Social anxiety isn't about being liked • Hacker News Board

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#21

Post by jdonaldson » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:43 PM UTC

bongodongobob wrote: post #13

turtledragonfly wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This seems fairly culture-dependent, from my experience. For instance, I've noticed a distinct difference in how sarcasm is received in the Northeast US vs the West Coast. What you described feels more Northeast-y to me (I'm sure it varies by other segments and sub-sub-cultures, too). There's the saying: "If an Irish person calls you 'asshole,' it means they think you're a friend. If they call you 'friend' it means t…

Ha that's funny. I'm from the Midwest and found my dry/sarcastic humor tended to confuse people on the West Coast. A lot of people tended to take me completely seriously when I was obviously joking.

I always chalked that up to being around people that were new to the country and hadn't yet wrapped their head around the latest fashionable American cynicism. Generally takes a few decades to kick in, but when it does it's usually worth the wait (see Kumail Ali Nanjiani).

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#22

Post by Etheryte » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:43 PM UTC

NAHWheatCracker wrote: post #8

isk517 wrote: post #5

As a person with social anxiety and a fear of being disliked I get to be the person that people love to talk about how much they hate all of the people that don't fear being disliked and all of the ways they are getting either getting screwed by other people or are being screwed by other people. We really deserve the society we live in

That first sentence is hard to grok.

No kidding, I read your comment first and then wondered how bad could it be. Turns out the whole comment is nearly that one sentence. Sentences are like functions, sometimes you need a really long one, but oftentimes they work better in reasonable chunks.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#23

Post by stronglikedan » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:45 PM UTC

BurningFrog wrote: post #12

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

Likely because women do it too, but they aren't joking.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#24

Post by starttoaster » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:48 PM UTC

brabel wrote: post #18

BurningFrog wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

Only some kind of men behave like that. I had many friends growing up and we never did that sort of thing, and it always put me off to see people who did.

Why did it put you off? Did you not understand the intention behind the words, or were the words unforgiveable despite their intention?

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#25

Post by drewda » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:48 PM UTC

dustincoates wrote: post #7

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

Not sure why this article didn't link to the original when citing it, but here's the link to the Scott Alexander blog: https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/04/23/friendship-is-counters... And a follow up: https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/08/09/friendship-is-still-co...

FWIW, this blog writer appears to only be cross-linking to his own posts. Perhaps good for his own SEO, but not as much for his readers...

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#26

Post by stronglikedan » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:49 PM UTC

I can dig it. I'm constantly and annoyingly replaying every social interaction in my head for days, and even longer when they're (in my perception) bad. Why would I want to go out, if I might subject myself to more of that? (I do go out and continue to subject myself to that, but nowhere near as frequently as my more social friends.)

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#27

Post by erikerikson » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:49 PM UTC

dmesg wrote: post #11

Quote: > Why else would someone be so anxious about how others see them? The scientific consensus would tell the author that judgement in humans happens already the moment they see a person and it is immediate, even if the person not doing anything: https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700 >across three studies, we find that first impressions [...] made from thin slices of real-world social behavior by typically-dev…

This study seems to look at a different dynamic than seems under discussion in the article.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#28

Post by trinsic2 » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:50 PM UTC

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

This is a great observation. The concept from article was a eye opener. I always wondered why we give each other shit.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#29

Post by card_zero » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:51 PM UTC

Etheryte wrote: post #22

NAHWheatCracker wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That first sentence is hard to grok.

No kidding, I read your comment first and then wondered how bad could it be. Turns out the whole comment is nearly that one sentence. Sentences are like functions, sometimes you need a really long one, but oftentimes they work better in reasonable chunks.

Should be "to talk to", I think. Missing a "to". But has an extra "getting".

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#30

Post by nemomarx » Fri, Oct 03, 2025, 4:52 PM UTC

dmesg wrote: post #19

layer8 wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don’t think the article is about autism.

Curious, yet the most people suffering from anxiety as secondary comorbid psychiatric condition are the depressed, autistic and ADHD sufferers. The article is definitely a mental health topic. A little harmless stage fright before a presentation is not real clinical generalized anxiety and affects most normal people.

You can be diagnosed with GAD or social anxiety disorders without being autistic. The comorbidity isn't total.

I think there's a good question about whether people can tell you're anxious at a glance but worrying about that will make your anxiety much more visible.