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Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

larahogan.me

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Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#21

Post by sethammons »

Trasmatta wrote: post #15
klabb3 wrote: post #3

Definitely gonna borrow this language, it’s a really important aspect of social life. I’ve always been very, very thermometer-like, with a strong tendency to mirror which allows me to connect with people 1 on 1 easy, but on the flip side I absorb vibes I don’t want. My coping mechanism is to avoid bad vibes, confrontational situations, etc. Even being in a social group for long can affect me negatively if the people…

Therapy helps. Building a stronger sense of self and with it, more internal boundaries between your thoughts and beliefs and those of others. I'm this way as well, and it's like your emotions are totally porous, absorbing everything from those around you. It's a blessing and a curse. Generally stems from a childhood where you had to be very in tune with the emotions of your caregiver in order to stay safe.

Oof. Being in tune with your caregiver hits hard. My mom was a manic, bi-polar, depressive person also suffering from schizophrenia. I learned to read some situations like you mention but toss in some randomness so it gets real dicey.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#23

Post by sethammons »

> You’re being a thermometer. When they’re subtly giving off weird vibes—they’re frowning, answering your questions with fewer words than normal, etc.—you’ve noticed that their temperature is different.

And if you are doing this as a coping mechanism from having an unstable parent and you are like me (also maybe a bit of adhd): you internalize the person's chilled behavior and often assume it is your fault.

In case you need to hear it: You are not responsible for other's emotions (though you are responsible for your actions)

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#24

Post by jjj123 »

klabb3 wrote: post #3

Definitely gonna borrow this language, it’s a really important aspect of social life. I’ve always been very, very thermometer-like, with a strong tendency to mirror which allows me to connect with people 1 on 1 easy, but on the flip side I absorb vibes I don’t want. My coping mechanism is to avoid bad vibes, confrontational situations, etc. Even being in a social group for long can affect me negatively if the people…

Wow I’ve always felt much more comfortable in 1:1 situations than group situations, but I never framed it the way you have here. Your comment really resonates, thank you!

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#25

Post by brigandish »

deisteve wrote: post #6

While the article has some good points about the importance of emotional intelligence and awareness, I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Humans are complex and emotional creatures, and our emotions can be triggered by a multitude of factors beyond our control. The article's suggestions, while well-intentioned, feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsus…

What is emotional labour?

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#27

Post by hi_hi »

Trasmatta wrote: post #15
klabb3 wrote: post #3

Definitely gonna borrow this language, it’s a really important aspect of social life. I’ve always been very, very thermometer-like, with a strong tendency to mirror which allows me to connect with people 1 on 1 easy, but on the flip side I absorb vibes I don’t want. My coping mechanism is to avoid bad vibes, confrontational situations, etc. Even being in a social group for long can affect me negatively if the people…

Therapy helps. Building a stronger sense of self and with it, more internal boundaries between your thoughts and beliefs and those of others. I'm this way as well, and it's like your emotions are totally porous, absorbing everything from those around you. It's a blessing and a curse. Generally stems from a childhood where you had to be very in tune with the emotions of your caregiver in order to stay safe.

Thank you. This lines up with my experiences, which I never knew were connected. Prefer 1:1, alcoholic mum growing up who had good days and bad days. I could tell which it would be from the "vibe" when I walked through the door after school before seeing anyone.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#28

Post by ulf-77723 »

AStonesThrow wrote: post #26

[flagged]

When I read the article, I assumed that it was written by a guy first - when I saved it to my favorites I noticed that Lara is a woman.

I do work most of my time in my home office, yet I do spend also some time in virtual meetings. The things Lara describes are even more important if you are not present in person, from my point of view. Harder to sense some of those feelings and emotions if you are not in the same room, but possible.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#29

Post by vvanders »

dmoy wrote: post #4

> Make sure you’re squarely facing the person Awww shit that's gonna be hard for my inner Minnesotan. All that deep listening stuff needs to be done at a 135-165 degree angle, so you're both vaguely looking in the same-ish direction but can make occasional side glance eye contact

This is giving me strong How to Talk Minnesotan vibes[1] (in a good way :D).

[edit] 10:50! https://www.tptoriginals.org/how-to-talk-minnesotan/

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Talk_Minnesotan

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#30

Post by bfung »

deisteve wrote: post #6

While the article has some good points about the importance of emotional intelligence and awareness, I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Humans are complex and emotional creatures, and our emotions can be triggered by a multitude of factors beyond our control. The article's suggestions, while well-intentioned, feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsus…

> I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats.

Well, it’s like most things, it takes practice and time to be good at it if natural talent isn’t there.

Sure, things out of our control can trigger emotions, but one incredible ability of humans is to rationalize those emotions and act in more constructive ways than to immediate react back.

It can be quite liberating and fun to understand and process these things, much like understanding code and data structures in order to recombine them into things you want to achieve.

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