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The Forgiver's Dilemma: Can Letting Go Set You Free?

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Re: The Forgiver's Dilemma: Can Letting Go Set You Free?

#21

Post by erokar »

sshine wrote: post #16
erokar wrote: post #15

I think it can set your free, but I don't think it's a necessity. I think it's totally possible to move on and process something without forgiving. There's currently a cultural pressure to forgive, as if that's the only option. That makes things more difficult for those who are not able to forgive. There is no right way to process a wrong.

> There's currently a cultural pressure to forgive Currently, as in since Christianity became popular? I’m reminded of a song lyric by Die Antwoord: I hope my enemies live long, so they can see me prosper.

I was mainly thinking about pop psychology advice from the last ten years or so. But you have a good point.

Re: The Forgiver's Dilemma: Can Letting Go Set You Free?

#24

Post by alecco »

marcosdumay wrote: post #17
alecco wrote: post #10

No mention of the dimension and consequences of what to forgive. Forgetting to take out the trash is not the same as sleeping with somebody else. > "Once a cheater, always a cheater." [...] Someone is three times more likely to cheat if they have cheated in the past. https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study...

The article has quite a way of completely misunderstanding the term it defines right away. It's not about staying with the person and not expecting to be cheated again. Forgiveness is about whether you break up and stay angry for the rest of your life, or break up and stop caring about it. One of those is trivially and obviously counterproductive, with no upside at all.

> Forgive (Cooperate): David forgives Samantha, giving her another chance, and tries to rebuild trust.

giving her another chance

Re: The Forgiver's Dilemma: Can Letting Go Set You Free?

#25

Post by iamthepieman »

lfmunoz4 wrote: post #19

I don't really understand forgiveness. Unfortunately many situations are you have 1 chance and if you mess up it there is absolutely no way to reverse the type of relationship that was created. For example if you are wronged as a child from parent. Yes later as an adult you can "forgive" (whatever that means) but then you are not a child anymore, so it is just not the same. You needed that parent as a child as an adu…

Forgiveness is part taking control and part letting go and part accepting reality. It's not about the other person. It also doesn't mean you don't make any changes in your thoughts or behavior or adjust to the reality of whatever it is that the person did to need forgiveness for. If you were mistreated as a child, you can forgive the person who did it. But you'd be irresponsible to then just send your own kids over to that person's house or let them be a primary caretaker of your children.

Re: The Forgiver's Dilemma: Can Letting Go Set You Free?

#26

Post by TeaDrunk »

lfmunoz4 wrote: post #19

I don't really understand forgiveness. Unfortunately many situations are you have 1 chance and if you mess up it there is absolutely no way to reverse the type of relationship that was created. For example if you are wronged as a child from parent. Yes later as an adult you can "forgive" (whatever that means) but then you are not a child anymore, so it is just not the same. You needed that parent as a child as an adu…

Forgiveness isn't like acting like what a person did never happened. It's describing the cessation of the feeling of resentment and anger at being wronged. Depending on how small or large the action is, the wrongful action can be but is not always treated as if it never happened. I can cease being angry at my abusive parents but that doesn't mean I have to engage with them.

Re: The Forgiver's Dilemma: Can Letting Go Set You Free?

#27

Post by [deleted] »

alecco wrote: post #24
marcosdumay wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The article has quite a way of completely misunderstanding the term it defines right away. It's not about staying with the person and not expecting to be cheated again. Forgiveness is about whether you break up and stay angry for the rest of your life, or break up and stop caring about it. One of those is trivially and obviously counterproductive, with no upside at all.

> Forgive (Cooperate): David forgives Samantha, giving her another chance, and tries to rebuild trust. giving her another chance

[deleted]

Re: The Forgiver's Dilemma: Can Letting Go Set You Free?

#28

Post by marcosdumay »

alecco wrote: post #24
marcosdumay wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The article has quite a way of completely misunderstanding the term it defines right away. It's not about staying with the person and not expecting to be cheated again. Forgiveness is about whether you break up and stay angry for the rest of your life, or break up and stop caring about it. One of those is trivially and obviously counterproductive, with no upside at all.

> Forgive (Cooperate): David forgives Samantha, giving her another chance, and tries to rebuild trust. giving her another chance

He defines the word just bellow that. The definition doesn't include giving her another chance.

The definition he gives is aligned with the common usage on the philosophical and religious contexts. The way he uses all around the article is aligned with the popular usage and has a completely different meaning.

Nobody will ever go claiming forgiving people by the popular meaning is something you should always do. It's patently stupid.

Re: The Forgiver's Dilemma: Can Letting Go Set You Free?

#29

Post by sorokod »

"Forgiveness is a personal choice"

This is the core of the matter, and even more: feeling "anger and resentment towards someone who wronged you" in the first place, is a personal choice too.

To put it another way, the real question is not "Can Letting Go Set You Free?" but "Who exactly took away your freedom to start with?"

The mock game theoretic prelude in the post is confused and obfuscates these simple facts.

Re: The Forgiver's Dilemma: Can Letting Go Set You Free?

#30

Post by jprete »

marcosdumay wrote: post #17
alecco wrote: post #10

No mention of the dimension and consequences of what to forgive. Forgetting to take out the trash is not the same as sleeping with somebody else. > "Once a cheater, always a cheater." [...] Someone is three times more likely to cheat if they have cheated in the past. https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study...

The article has quite a way of completely misunderstanding the term it defines right away. It's not about staying with the person and not expecting to be cheated again. Forgiveness is about whether you break up and stay angry for the rest of your life, or break up and stop caring about it. One of those is trivially and obviously counterproductive, with no upside at all.

I was bothered that the OP didn't make this distinction properly in their post. They instead gave the false dichotomy of "forgive and risk being stabbed" or "hold a grudge".

Who knows. Probably it was just AI-generated incoherent blogspam.

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