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How to deliver constructive feedback in difficult situations (2019)

productivityhub.org

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Re: How to deliver constructive feedback in difficult situations (2019)

#21

Post by punnerud »

jdsampayo wrote: post #11

Maybe add a 2019 on the title? Feels strange to read on the title header: PRODUCTIVITY TIPS AND APPS by PRODUCTIVITY HUB like if it was an original article from the website but at the very end there is the note 'All Rights Reserved for Dave Bailey' without any link to the original source: https://medium.dave-bailey.com/the-essential-guide-to-diffic... which is taken from Dave Bailey website ( https://www.dave-bailey.…

The link should be changed. You can email Dang and the HN team on: hn@ycombinator.com

Re: How to deliver constructive feedback in difficult situations (2019)

#23

Post by nooorofe »

epicureanideal wrote: post #9

(By the way, I’m writing this from a place of exhaustion and disappointment with the industry, rather than just knee jerk negativity.) Although I do think it’s worthwhile to try to think and communicate as clearly as possible, over the years I’ve learned in this industry that 90% or more of coworkers and managers are not going to put the same effort into it. You can do everything right and the majority of the time it…

> The only thing that (almost) guarantees good relationships with management is to just do whatever they want even when it is leading the company to ruin, never voice your objections, etc.

That is not my experience. When management asks to do something, it doesn't mean it likes any outcome. I am not calling to oppose any decision, but usually there are ways to express concerns. "High risk" for example is language they may understand. I've found that managers many times more confused and disoriented than you may expect. Sometimes asking questions discovers, that there are missing parts in the plan. But it is not easy, even to start questioning you need to have reputation (ex. guy that make things done). Finding right forum ("small group discussion") is another way to communicate concerns.

>they don’t usually care about the success of the company, just their own personal success

Well, people who put "success of the company" at highest priority usually not become manages. Many times managers are blind, because they have to follow orders (directions). Hearing from subject matter expert that the direction doesn't make sense not helping to their mental state.

My general position: I prefer to warn about potential bad outcome of decision without refusing to follow orders.

Re: How to deliver constructive feedback in difficult situations (2019)

#24

Post by epicureanideal »

nooorofe wrote: post #23
epicureanideal wrote: post #9

(By the way, I’m writing this from a place of exhaustion and disappointment with the industry, rather than just knee jerk negativity.) Although I do think it’s worthwhile to try to think and communicate as clearly as possible, over the years I’ve learned in this industry that 90% or more of coworkers and managers are not going to put the same effort into it. You can do everything right and the majority of the time it…

> The only thing that (almost) guarantees good relationships with management is to just do whatever they want even when it is leading the company to ruin, never voice your objections, etc. That is not my experience. When management asks to do something, it doesn't mean it likes any outcome. I am not calling to oppose any decision, but usually there are ways to express concerns. "High risk" for example is language the…

> Well, people who put "success of the company" at highest priority usually not become manages.

Right, that’s exactly the situation I’m complaining about. (That seems to indicate some kind of problem with aligning incentives in companies, because in theory from top to bottom we would want to achieve alignment of rewards and career success with actions that lead to company success.)

I generally agree with everything you wrote.

Re: How to deliver constructive feedback in difficult situations (2019)

#25

Post by lmilcin »

The best advice I can give is to start investing into it early on.

For example, I try to make sure my team understand that I have always team's best interest in mind, that I am first to admit if I make a mistake and that I am always ready to evaluate my position as new information comes.

It goes really a long way to help in a difficult situation but it also prevents a lot of difficult situations from happening in the first place.

It also tends to make other team members and management to be on your side which may help in a lot of situations (but not always, not with the most stubborn people).

Re: How to deliver constructive feedback in difficult situations (2019)

#26

Post by soared »

muntzy wrote: post #2

On the topic I often recommend the great book Hard Conversations , and another by the same authors Thanks for the Feedback . They give a detailed breakdown of how communication actually works so that my overly technical brain can apply it.

Radical Candor is a very common recommendation along these lines as well.

Re: How to deliver constructive feedback in difficult situations (2019)

#27

Post by soared »

kleer001 wrote: post #5

Ah , non-violent communication, a great tool. I've copied an excellent summary by @BeetleB To add to the above: 1. Observations should be specific, not generic ("you are lazy" vs "you have not accomplished any of the tasks you've been assigned"). They should also be objective - third party witnesses should have consensus. We can agree that you've not accomplished your tasks for the week. We will likely disagree on wh…

The only times I've actually been able to use this kind of stuff is when explicitly telling a person I work with, "Hey, I want to start improving myself and our processes. Can we set up some time for talking about feedback?"

And then like once a month you do a feedback meeting, but the first one is talking about nvc/radical candor/etc and how the future meetings should go.

This has only ever worked for me with people at the same level as me but on a different team (account managers, where I'm their technical AM) and literally never has worked with a superior. I think my managers don't like someone else suggesting a management/feedback style for them.

Re: How to deliver constructive feedback in difficult situations (2019)

#28

Post by PradeetPatel »

camillomiller wrote: post #17
wombatmobile wrote: post #13

These methods for NVC are useful because (a) they decouple analysis from emotions, and (b) they protect the target from feeling attacked, so it is possible for the target to receive the analysis instead of going into defensive mode. Daniel Dennett takes the paradigm further by adding a prequel, which is to clearly articulate the other person's logic and state of mind empathically first, before going into the analysis…

This in turn feels quite manipulative, though.

On the contrary, I see it as good leadership. One could argue that getting a group of people aligned on a single objective manipulation, but knowing the right words to say to elicit actions from them is the hallmark of a good leader.

Re: How to deliver constructive feedback in difficult situations (2019)

#29

Post by BeetleB »

sdoering wrote: post #3
muntzy wrote: post #2

On the topic I often recommend the great book Hard Conversations , and another by the same authors Thanks for the Feedback . They give a detailed breakdown of how communication actually works so that my overly technical brain can apply it.

After searching a while for the first title I tried the second one (as the plural authors made me question my results). Did you mean: "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most" by Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen, et al.? and: "Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well" by the same authors?

Not the original commenter. Difficult Conversations is a great book for understanding the dynamics of communications. It has a lot of overlap with the NVC book, but it's very poor in terms of giving actionable advice. The NVC book has the opposite problem: Great in terms of giving actionable advice, but poor in explaining the "why" behind the advice.

Re: How to deliver constructive feedback in difficult situations (2019)

#30

Post by burnished »

baxtr wrote: post #8
kleer001 wrote: post #5

Ah , non-violent communication, a great tool. I've copied an excellent summary by @BeetleB To add to the above: 1. Observations should be specific, not generic ("you are lazy" vs "you have not accomplished any of the tasks you've been assigned"). They should also be objective - third party witnesses should have consensus. We can agree that you've not accomplished your tasks for the week. We will likely disagree on wh…

> However, if you want to take things to the next step and have better relations with people around you, do care about their feelings and use techniques to have them feel better - but out of empathy and not out of responsibility or guilt. This might be a very stupid question… Aren’t responsibility and guilt and empathy somehow very intertwined? At least you’re probably empathetic if you feel guilt or responsibility,…

Have you ever righted a fallen bicycle? It wasn't your responsibility, you probably didn't feel bad or guilty, maybe you just wanted things to be right/nice. I think that might be the emotional tenor under discussion. Being in an emotional state where you take action because you have some investment in the outcome and not because you are trying to soothe a negative emotion.
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