Just looking at the examples, these are "Sleazy salesman tips about how to get a person to say 'yes'".
Anybody who uses this kind of language needs to be shut down, and bluntly.
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Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#22the requests all sound very passive aggressive to me. eg, “ would you be willing to only eat the food that you buy?”
I wouldn't say passive aggressive because that has a specific definition which this doesn't meet but there's something about them that's off. "Would you be willing to only eat the food that you buy?” isn't really a question because "no" isn't really an acceptable answer so there's something dirty about phrasing like a question but I can't quite put my finger on what.
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Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#23Unbiased evidence is violent to some people. "Don't confront me with evidence, care about how I feel!"
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#24the requests all sound very passive aggressive to me. eg, “ would you be willing to only eat the food that you buy?”
They're certainly manipulative. The weasel-worded "requests" demand compliance by placing the victim in a bind: either comply, or look like a terrible friend/spouse/employee/etc..
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#25I've read "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" and found it helpful in personal & work communication. I _hate_ the name, though. I don't want to suggest to someone that they read about non-violent communication because that suggests they're being violent when they're not. I'd prefer almost any other name. Some better names: "observational communication", "non-judgmental communication", "empathetic communica…
Agreed.
It is hugely ironic that the title of the book does seem to translate to "How to stop being a violent jerk."
A standard joke of mine when I recommend the book to others that the sequel, "Violent Communication", hasn't yet received much traction in the corporate sphere outside of Comcast's strategic planning department.
I like "Empathic Communication". Nice one.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#26I've read "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" and found it helpful in personal & work communication. I _hate_ the name, though. I don't want to suggest to someone that they read about non-violent communication because that suggests they're being violent when they're not. I'd prefer almost any other name. Some better names: "observational communication", "non-judgmental communication", "empathetic communica…
If only she had consulted some marketing people before publishing the book! It might've been accepted by a larger audience.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#27I think non-violent communication is great when you actually have to ask someone to change something about the way they operate in the world. If you want to improve your relationships though, make rule zero "minimize the extent to which you require other people in the world to change."
I've found that some of my most worthwhile relationships have been with people that pushed me out of the comfort zone.
I'd say make sure that if you do push people to change, it is for their benefit rather than yours.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#28the requests all sound very passive aggressive to me. eg, “ would you be willing to only eat the food that you buy?”
What would you recommend a person in that situation say instead?
Hmmm maybe sth like “Please don’t eat my food” :)
I guess the request should be clear also when I say “I don’t like that you eat my food.”
I wonder why nowadays you have to be ultra-PC with everyone. If everyone gets used to that, won’t everyone’s sensitivity for non-PC drop? I feel like we’re creating a generation of people that can’t take a punch anymore.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#29The audio version of the book is read by Rosenberg himself. He managed to avoid the annoying persistent mildly-psychotic caffeinated bravado that's ubiquitous in ‘self-help’ audiobooks. It's rather a pleasure to listen to, just for his mild tone—even if he doesn't quite steer clear of other tropes.
Can't remember any other book in the genre that sounded sincere instead of hopped-up, aside of David Lynch's reading of his “Big Fish”—but he's a different kind of writer anyway. Though, “Why We Sleep” and Guy Meadows' “The Sleep Book” might count, probably because they're more of informing instead of peddling.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#30Kevin Hale, at startupschool 2019, spoke in length on How to Work Together [0].
Key points aside from non-violent communication were, everyone fights, but when you fight, stay away from these four horsemen [1]:
1. Criticism: Involves bringing in variety or unrelated issues to the discussion / argument. Focus on the one thing that needs resolution.
2. Contempt: Argumentum ad hominem. Intention to insult, making things personal rather than engage in productive problem solving.
3. Defensiveness: Not owning responsibility. Can't reach a resolution as one doesn't admit to a problem.
4. Stonewalling: Silent treatment. Zero engagement. Complete communication breakdown from one or all sides.
Kevin then proceeds to offer remedies to overcome these [2]:
1. Divide and conquer responsibilities, define success and failure metrics to prevent defensiveness.
2. Know the attachment style of the person to prevent stonewalling, which are:
- Secure: Don't mind going up to people, relying on them or have them rely on self. Don't mind being vulnerable.
- Anxious: Tend to hold on to people. Look for confirmation and acceptance, more often than normal.
- Avoidant: Feel inadequate, tendency to not approach and prefer distancing themselves from relationships, or simply prefer being alone.
Anxious and Avoidant styles don't go well along with each other, by definition [3].
3. Create processes when things are normal to deal with when issues do arise, kind of like a disagreement decision framework [4] to prevent criticism.
4. Use non-violent communication, to ward off contempt [5]. Avoid making a mole out of a mountain. Pay-off emotional debt respectfully, no matter how small.
5. Have a honest one on one (level 3 conversations) about hard things, if required [6].
Highly recommend the talk [0].
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[0] https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/30a5yFBd7Fo
[1] https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-c...
[2] https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes...
[3] https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/2s9ACDMcpjA
[4] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20156285
[5] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19490573
[6] https://medium.com/@darynakulya/4-unexpected-lessons-after-y...