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Ask HN: How do you deal with professional envy?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with professional envy?

#21

Post by Roritharr »

I'm still deeply affected by this, although my life, having a son and a second on the way, should have taught me better by now.

I didn't grow up very competitive, never played any sports, but I started working very early so that's where I got most of my positive affirmation, so that's one reason why I always put so much focus on the importance of my professional success.

Another is that I grew up relatively poor and tell myself I've fought to attain wealth and happiness at the same time for myself and my family, so seeing someone else achieving these goals before me triggers me to see myself as a failure, doubting and regretting decisions in my past, which is obviously self-destructive and not a good way to live your life.

So far I've managed to use the emotions of envy to focus myself in times of distress or immense pressure, but it's only a stopgap solution until I manage to find contentment with my situation, however the outcome, the road to stoicism can be quite long though.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with professional envy?

#22

Post by DantesKite »

Whenever I feel envy (and I inevitably do) I try to to use it as a guide for what I should work on.

I acknowledge I’m not as good as I could be. And I try to use it as fuel to improve my own life.

I crucify myself with all that I lack in the hopes of a “transformation.”

In practice, that means setting some time aside in the day to read more, workout more, practice more.

But I have to be careful. Sometimes envy can be deceitful. It’s easy to fall for things I don’t actually want.

So I use envy as a guide, an approximate one, to reflect on what I lack and what I can do to change it, if anything at all.

It’s my Elysian mirror.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with professional envy?

#23

Post by rib3ye »

As others have said, acceptance is a big first step. Next, consider that jealousy comes from a scarcity mindset: There is only x wealth/success/power, and this other person got it.

If you can transition yourself to an abundance mindset, I think you'll find the success of your peers as a collective asset: as your field or group becomes more credible/successful, more opportunities will open up for you. If you can figure out how to use their success to your benefit, you maybe find yourself thankful for them.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with professional envy?

#24

Post by Silhouette »

I work in software development in the UK. Even good, highly experienced developers working for top employers over here rarely make what a total newbie in their first job makes in a place like SV. In purely financial terms, almost every developer I know is in the position where much younger, much less capable people are earning a lot more than them somewhere else.

The thing is, it doesn't matter. There are sports players in the world who make more money in a week than most of those SV developers make in a year, too. Maybe I could move to the US and make enough to pay off my entire mortgage in a year or two. But I don't want to live and work in the US, so for me personally, that opportunity isn't interesting or relevant.

What matters to me in terms of my professional career is making the most of opportunities when I do want what they offer, and being content that my professional development is OK and I'm doing good work that I enjoy. Obviously better compensation is always welcome, but the reasons I'm glad I went freelance and ultimately started my own businesses are mostly about increased flexibility, diversity, and making my/our own decisions instead of being subordinate to The Boss. You can't put a price on the improvements in quality of life that come from a better work environment and better work/life balance.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with professional envy?

#25

Post by csa »

Acknowledging your feelings is a good first step.

The next step is to realize and accept that you can only impact things that are within your sphere of influence. Focus 100% on those things, especially the things that make you happy.

Note that you rarely know the full story behind someone else’s success. It may have been luck, it may have been privilege, it may have been that they are simply able to perform at a level that you are not capable of (at least not yet). All of those things are OK — just focus on what you have influence over.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with professional envy?

#26

Post by tomiplaz »

When it comes to that, I accept that I am a different person, a person with different past, values and traits. I also like to think (mostly to make myself feel a bit better) that such a person might not be experiencing many other (valuable) things in life that I am or other people are. If that is not true and that high level peer is having a great life outside of work as well, then I simply admire them. If anything, that just shows me how good one can be; it propels me to push harder at least a little bit more.

It all depends on one's state of mind. I've had times when it was difficult for me to face such a fact, and times when I looked at it in a quite positive way.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with professional envy?

#27

Post by misc1972 »

rb808 wrote: post #10

I have a variety of ways to analyse this: 0) Remember that social media and the press shows the best parts of people's lives and rarely the crappy parts that everyone has. 1) You can't have it all. Often people sacrifice other parts of their lives to achieve in one area. My old boss that got promoted to a very high position never found a partner or children. Other tech friends who have earned a lot have worked thier…

2) Some people have advantages. Eg Bill Gates was a millionaire before he ever finished college, many famous people had privileged upbringings.

Bill Gates was a billioniare multiple times over before he finished college, considering that he never received a degree.

Harvard did grant him an honorary law degree in 2007, but not before he acquired his wealth.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with professional envy?

#29

Post by sverige »

aikinai wrote: post #15
rb808 wrote: post #10

I have a variety of ways to analyse this: 0) Remember that social media and the press shows the best parts of people's lives and rarely the crappy parts that everyone has. 1) You can't have it all. Often people sacrifice other parts of their lives to achieve in one area. My old boss that got promoted to a very high position never found a partner or children. Other tech friends who have earned a lot have worked thier…

Three of these methods are effectively, "My life is probably better than theirs anyway," and two are, "It wasn't a fair fight anyway." This might work on a surface level, but you're just plastering over the problem, not rising above it.

Not OP, but I thought that response was very good. Rising above the problem first requires an accurate assessment of what the problem really is. 'Seething' over the success of others is an emotional problem, and it is likely that the root cause is fear that someone else is getting more (of whatever) than I am.

If that's true, then examining what it is that you think someone else is getting is worthwhile, as is examining what you actually already have. Comparisons are appropriate to make sure your expectations are calibrated to something more realistic than feelings.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with professional envy?

#30

Post by CapmCrackaWaka »

I have ~6 years of experience since graduating, so I can give you my experience and what I am currently going through.

Two of us were hired as actuaries at the same time fresh out of college to work in the same department. Immediately, it was clear that he was much more competent, smarter, and and overall better employee than I was. The bosses would consistently praise him, call him smart, etc etc while I got average performance reviews. As someone coming out of college with a degree in mathematics, where I was constantly called 'the smart one' in my friend group, it was brutal. I was not mentally prepared to fall behind a peer like this in such an obvious manner. When I wasn't sulking, I was angry. I was the smart one, or so I had been told.

It took a change in perspective to get myself to a better place. I deleted social media and stopped comparing myself to other people. I started congratulating my coworker when he did well, because honestly, he deserves it. His success does not have to be my failure, working at a company does not have to be a zero-sum game.

Getting to this better place has helped me tremendously in my professional and personal life. I am a very high performer now, have a great girlfriend, great friends, a great job, everything I could ask for. I learned that it does not pay to stress about being the best, because you will never be the best, and if you are, you need to find a different company, friends, whatever.

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