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Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

theatlantic.com

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Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#21

Post by cup-of-tea »

mercer wrote: post #20
cup-of-tea wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true and don't forget the sex with other people that everyone secretly wants at all times. Women are ready to "trade up" for another man, men just want to mate with other women. Couples who have only slept with each other don't seem to suffer from this. Couples where one or both had a lot of sex before getting together will suffer and will usually end having affairs.

Do you have any links to evidence for this being the case? Honestly curious.

Evidence? Sure, I know many couples. The bit about differences between couples who have only slept with each other is my own theory based on my observations. But it seems this has been studied more rigorously, for example: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1741-3737... But this talks about marital dissolution, not simply affairs. Affairs are happening way more than you think.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#22

Post by Renaud »

throwaway713 wrote: post #11

I'll quote Richard White's answer on Quora to the question "What was the worst thing your parents ever did to you?" > Every day from as early as I can remember, they were clearly and obviously in love with each other. Even after 50 years of marriage they were still acting like two teenagers going steady. They always supported each other in everything they did or tried to do. They "had each other's backs" at all times…

Kindness appears to me as the decisive element for a successful relationship. It’s not the only one of course since there are many other factors that must be handled successfully (managing sexual satisfaction, financial stability, common life goals, ability to raise kids, etc) but kindness to each other is a determinant; it’s the ‘sauce’ that binds everything together and make it hold.

And it must be reciprocated.

If you are in a relationship where there is no way to get that, and counselling isn’t helping enough, the future will most likely be bleak: full of accrued resentment, feelings of being trapped that get worse as time goes by, bitterness and pettiness will rule your life.

People always hope that things will get better and if the relationship is worth it, it’s essential to fight to overcome the struggles, but if there is no foundation of kindness, I’m convinced the only outcome is misery.

We shouldn’t stay with someone out of fear of being alone.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#24

Post by mmsimanga »

Renaud wrote: post #22
throwaway713 wrote: post #11

I'll quote Richard White's answer on Quora to the question "What was the worst thing your parents ever did to you?" > Every day from as early as I can remember, they were clearly and obviously in love with each other. Even after 50 years of marriage they were still acting like two teenagers going steady. They always supported each other in everything they did or tried to do. They "had each other's backs" at all times…

Kindness appears to me as the decisive element for a successful relationship. It’s not the only one of course since there are many other factors that must be handled successfully (managing sexual satisfaction, financial stability, common life goals, ability to raise kids, etc) but kindness to each other is a determinant; it’s the ‘sauce’ that binds everything together and make it hold. And it must be reciprocated. If…

I want to add that kindness should be paired with gratitude. I know that people shouldn't expect anything back from kind acts but sometimes being kind isn't so easy. When someone is grateful for your kindness it makes things it easier. In long relationships showing gratitude is even more important.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#25

Post by kstenerud »

cup-of-tea wrote: post #21
mercer wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you have any links to evidence for this being the case? Honestly curious.

Evidence? Sure, I know many couples. The bit about differences between couples who have only slept with each other is my own theory based on my observations. But it seems this has been studied more rigorously, for example: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1741-3737... But this talks about marital dissolution, not simply affairs. Affairs are happening way more than you think.

Except that the study cited didn't take into account confounding factors (cohabitation in earlier decades was associated more strongly with lower socioeconomic status, for example). The study has since been replicated with more recent data, and shows a weakening correlation: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000053/

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#26

Post by watwut »

telltruth wrote: post #7

Ok... I'll bite. This feel good article doesn't do justice to relationship issues at all. A lot of relationship issues simply arise from compromises that have been done in past. May be woman is desperate in finding husband and man is realizing he is getting out of options. Both gets married despite knowing incompatibilities here and there. People tell them "opposite attracts". Ummm... no. There is of course honeymoon…

I think that issue there is not solving problem when man is turning into bank account and women is turning into child care provider with relationship between them not being treated as important. It sounds like at that moment, each cares about own unhappiness but does not think much about other.

They are not kind and understanding at each other at that time. They are settling into roles without talking about whether they like roles and without talking about how to change their roles so that they are happier.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#27

Post by logicchains »

ScottBurson wrote: post #16
throwaway713 wrote: post #11

I'll quote Richard White's answer on Quora to the question "What was the worst thing your parents ever did to you?" > Every day from as early as I can remember, they were clearly and obviously in love with each other. Even after 50 years of marriage they were still acting like two teenagers going steady. They always supported each other in everything they did or tried to do. They "had each other's backs" at all times…

No marriage is perfect. Every couple fights sometimes, if both people are being real with each other, and if they're not, that's a huge problem in itself. (I think everdev is probably right: they didn't let you see them fighting.) The goal is not to never fight; it's to always fight fair . Sounds like your parents didn't show you how to do that — which is too bad, if they themselves knew, because most people don't. I…

>No marriage is perfect. Every couple fights sometimes, if both people are being real with each other, and if they're not, that's a huge problem in itself.

Buying into this argument that "every couple fight sometimes" is why so many people never eliminate fights from their relationships, because they think it's normal and so never put the effort into bettering themselves and addressing the root causes of problems so that fights don't reoccur. It's much easier to treat fights as inevitable than work on improving one's own self-control, compassion and empathy.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#29

Post by growlist »

propogandist wrote: post #13
5thbootloader wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you imply that the only way of having a meaningful life when your job is mediocre is by creating a family? What about other recreational activities or hobbies? Somewhat anecdotally, I recall a grade school teacher that was single in her 50s but remained active within a large volunteer community supporting youth. She often discussed how her participation in this circle gave her life purpose. Maybe the systemic issu…

the only thing that is certain in life is the grave, all else is vanity (Ecclesiastes AMP).

It's interesting how hostile most people are to this idea.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#30

Post by lordnacho »

throwaway713 wrote: post #11

I'll quote Richard White's answer on Quora to the question "What was the worst thing your parents ever did to you?" > Every day from as early as I can remember, they were clearly and obviously in love with each other. Even after 50 years of marriage they were still acting like two teenagers going steady. They always supported each other in everything they did or tried to do. They "had each other's backs" at all times…

Keep in mind your memory of your parents tends to start well into your childhood. You might have been as old as 10 before there's anything in there at all about how your parents behaved towards each other. Certainly 5.

I say this because when kids are small, they stress the hell out out their parents.

And that stress often turns into arguments. Little sleep, and endless menial tasks like cleaning poop does that even to people who never had any issues before. As the kids get older, there's less of the drudgery and the kids end up being more interesting. Less pressure on the relationship, and a huge relief as you slowly realise you've wiped your last poop. As stress recedes, kids are getting older and forming positive memories.

Also remember survivorship bias. If you have a fight and get divorced before you have kids, there won't be any kids around to remember your happy marriage.

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