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Discretion still matters – don’t hurt your career by sharing too much

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Re: Discretion still matters – don’t hurt your career by sharing too much

#21

Post by watwut »

sergers wrote: post #10
strictnein wrote: post #8

Honestly, this is a long article, but it's worth reading. It's written somewhat in response to another article by a millennial wanting her older colleagues to share more. Part of that is quoted in this article, including this passage: > Most of my new colleagues are at least 10 years my senior. Several of them have children, spouses, and mortgages. They are adults. Comparatively, I am a child. This really hits home,…

I am 31, moved into a new team 1.5 years ago. I am married 7 years, no kids... and have carried a hefty mortgage for 8 years. My other team mates are 38-55. Have kids, some even grandkids. While I can relate to alot of things, I can't stand their constant discussions about their kids and other family stuff... I just can't relate.(edit: not that I can't relate really, I just can't stand their constant distractions wit…

In every single workplace I was, there were people talking about things I could not relate to. Isn't it kind of normal in any group that is not excessively homogenous? Some people you relate to, others don't.

Re: Discretion still matters – don’t hurt your career by sharing too much

#22

Post by nathanasmith »

orev wrote: post #11
xutopia wrote: post #9

There is a backlash to this ancient mode of thinking. It's called Conscious Leadership and it's predicated on the idea that vulnerability brings better results and that you need a safe environment for the dynamic to flourish. Some of it sounds very new-agey but from what I've read and experienced it has really good fundamentals.

That's very naive though. Eventually there will be someone around who is politically motivated or otherwise adversarial, and then your safe space is gone and everyone who exposed themselves remains exposed. No matter how much we want the new-agey stuff to work, it just doesn't because it requires everyone to play by its rules, which doesn't happen in reality.

To add to this, I made the huge mistake a few years ago of admitting to an amount of social anxiety at a certain workplace. Within a few weeks that admission of vulnerability was used against me as a reason I wasn't a good fit for a project that I know I would have been great at. I left over it. Never again.

Re: Discretion still matters – don’t hurt your career by sharing too much

#23

Post by JTon »

rainbowmverse wrote: post #18
curyous wrote: post #7

If you make yourself vulnerable, a competitor can exploit it.

Your competitors will find things to exploit anyway. Opening yourself up will attract people who'll help when things get tough.

Surely a balance between sharing and not sharing is optimal. How x and y are weighted depends on the work environment.

Re: Discretion still matters – don’t hurt your career by sharing too much

#24

Post by foobarchu »

rainbowmverse wrote: post #15
aetherson wrote: post #13

I'm 40, and some of my coworkers are like 25. I'm about two management levels above the basic engineers, but we're a small company and everyone knows everyone. So I'm having lunch with some of the engineers, and one of them shares out of the blue that she regrets getting a computer science degree at her (good) college, and thinks she should've gone into business instead. And my immediate thought is, "For god's sake,…

>> (Separately: Don't get an undergraduate degree in business. What a worthless degree.) It's hard for people to learn things like this if they're afraid to talk to people who've gone down that road for fear that an honest expression of concern will be read as a critical lack of confidence. Just because we're yelled and beaten down for every expression of vulnerability growing up doesn't mean we have to perpetuate it…

I don't think the point was that she shouldn't have shared that information with peers at all, it's that she needs to be more careful about exactly who she's telling it to. OP may easily be in a position later of promoting her to another position. Even if she is confident in her choices by that point, OP will still have that information tucked in their mind, and will (maybe unconciously) utilize it in their decisions.

Nobody is yelling at her or beating her down about this, but she needs to be more discrete in who she shares what information with. Even if you see someone as a friend, friends aren't all equally deserving of your hopes and fears.

I think a good analogy is group projects in school. If you had a classmate who you were good friends with, and they had been sharing with you how much they were struggling and that they were considering dropping the class...wouldn't you factor that information in when choosing partners for a group project? You might decide that "no, I like them too much", and go with them, but it's going to be a decision you have to make because you already possess the information.

Re: Discretion still matters – don’t hurt your career by sharing too much

#25

Post by lkrubner »

hartator wrote: post #19

> We worked with Lisa for 2 years and we produced our biggest successes with her. So, being honest paid off for her? Most successful CEOs are very open about everything, and don't keep secrets. Secrets and opacity are what destroy companies and relationships, not the reverse.

Maybe it was her focus on her fears that was an issue? If she'd simply said, "This project is really ambitious" then maybe everyone would have agreed? It is possible to be honest about the risks of a given strategy, without turning the conversation into a discussion of your personal fears and discomforts, yes?

Re: Discretion still matters – don’t hurt your career by sharing too much

#26

Post by OnlyRepliesToBS »

xutopia wrote: post #9

There is a backlash to this ancient mode of thinking. It's called Conscious Leadership and it's predicated on the idea that vulnerability brings better results and that you need a safe environment for the dynamic to flourish. Some of it sounds very new-agey but from what I've read and experienced it has really good fundamentals.

Extract all value, then discard.

Re: Discretion still matters – don’t hurt your career by sharing too much

#27

Post by watwut »

lkrubner wrote: post #3

For emphasis, I would add, if a woman says, "I'm really scared and overwhelmed by this task" then it is possible that she is sharing too much. But managers should recall that she is perhaps simply trying to create a friendship. It isn't automatically an expression of a lack of confidence.

If you never feel overwhelmed and a bit of nerveous, then you never really challenged yourself and play it too safe. Or just lie about your feelings.

I am not sure why saying something like that is seen as worst then overconfidence and acting sure when you dont know what you are doing. The latter does more harm.

Re: Discretion still matters – don’t hurt your career by sharing too much

#28

Post by hartator »

lkrubner wrote: post #25
hartator wrote: post #19

> We worked with Lisa for 2 years and we produced our biggest successes with her. So, being honest paid off for her? Most successful CEOs are very open about everything, and don't keep secrets. Secrets and opacity are what destroy companies and relationships, not the reverse.

Maybe it was her focus on her fears that was an issue? If she'd simply said, "This project is really ambitious" then maybe everyone would have agreed? It is possible to be honest about the risks of a given strategy, without turning the conversation into a discussion of your personal fears and discomforts, yes?

I don't think I agree. Being fearful about specifics - she was talking about making sure servers don't lag, loads, etc. - is actually a green flag when hiring.

It applies to CEOs too. I remember reading - can't find it back sorry - a ML study that shows a reverse correlation about how optimistic a CEO appears in the video of quarterly meeting and stock performance.

Re: Discretion still matters – don’t hurt your career by sharing too much

#29

Post by rainbowmverse »

foobarchu wrote: post #24
rainbowmverse wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>> (Separately: Don't get an undergraduate degree in business. What a worthless degree.) It's hard for people to learn things like this if they're afraid to talk to people who've gone down that road for fear that an honest expression of concern will be read as a critical lack of confidence. Just because we're yelled and beaten down for every expression of vulnerability growing up doesn't mean we have to perpetuate it…

I don't think the point was that she shouldn't have shared that information with peers at all, it's that she needs to be more careful about exactly who she's telling it to. OP may easily be in a position later of promoting her to another position. Even if she is confident in her choices by that point, OP will still have that information tucked in their mind, and will (maybe unconciously) utilize it in their decisions…

A good group project with people who are mature enough to handle someone's expression of vulnerability without judgement might be what keeps them in the class.

If you reject someone over an expression of doubt, it was never about the doubt.

Re: Discretion still matters – don’t hurt your career by sharing too much

#30

Post by [deleted] »

watwut wrote: post #21
sergers wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am 31, moved into a new team 1.5 years ago. I am married 7 years, no kids... and have carried a hefty mortgage for 8 years. My other team mates are 38-55. Have kids, some even grandkids. While I can relate to alot of things, I can't stand their constant discussions about their kids and other family stuff... I just can't relate.(edit: not that I can't relate really, I just can't stand their constant distractions wit…

In every single workplace I was, there were people talking about things I could not relate to. Isn't it kind of normal in any group that is not excessively homogenous? Some people you relate to, others don't.

[deleted]
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