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Why Online Dating Sucks for Men (2013)

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Re: Why Online Dating Sucks for Men (2013)

#21

Post by bobdole1234 »

jbooth wrote: post #13
bobdole1234 wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Just wait, the dating pool for men and women flip later in life. Quality men pair off with significant stability early on, and the remaining single men have significantly larger viable age range than women can generally expect. Also: the biggest trick for being successful online is to keep your profile as brief as possible. Everything you say about yourself someone will find off-putting. You need just enough to show…

Counterpoint: A friend of mine had an okcupid profile where he dedicated 500 words to denying that he ever had sex with a bowl of macaroni and cheese. It was hilarious, and he's the one person I've met in my entire life who reversed the equation presented in the article. That said, unless you've got some comic gold up your sleeve, you're probably right.

I suspect none of those 500 words were about him directly, so the respondents had something to ask about, and no information about him specifically to dislike.

Sounds like he found the butter zone with that.

Re: Why Online Dating Sucks for Men (2013)

#22

Post by throwaway91111 »

sneak wrote: post #5
autokad wrote: post #3

when i was young, my female friends would say just be yourself, happy, etc and someone will just come along. i did that, failed, and i said why did it go so wrong? then i considered their world view, and i face palmed myself. same thing happens, women say try online dating, its so easy! my response rate (let alone something that leads to a rl meeting) is about 1/50. not worth it. i wonder if online dating will become…

One of the reasons most women put little/no effort into online dating is because the median quality of men is generally so low. There are ways of differentiating, like anything else, but it's become much worse in the last 3-5 years.

Is that the median quality of men, the median quality of men reaching out to you, or the median interactions you've had with men overall? Honest question.

Re: Why Online Dating Sucks for Men (2013)

#23

Post by throwaway91111 »

Thriptic wrote: post #9
pottersbasilisk wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

why would the quality of women be higher than men on dating sites ? Is it some american cultural thing? I assumed the quality would be pretty even.

I would venture to guess that many "higher quality" women have less trouble finding partners irl. They don't need to use online dating.

Isn't this true of men as well?

Re: Why Online Dating Sucks for Men (2013)

#25

Post by Lazare »

Eh, sure, I guess, kinda? However, the article presents the situation as being: 1) very positive for women and 2) very negative for men. In reality, neither is entirely true.

As many, many women will tell you, the unrelenting torrent of creepy messages and dick picks is by no means an unmitigated positive. Yes, you can just open your inbox and find it full, but mostly it's full of utter crap, which actively drowns out the actual good messages. The article glosses over this; just ignore the "addled idiots" and exchange an email with the good guys. For many women it's more a case of "find inbox 100% full of unsolicited pictures of genitals; close it and go watch Netflix alone".

Similarly, as many guys can attest (including me, and other guys in the comments here), not being massaged out of the blue is survivable (it's no different than real life, and I'm somehow survived the experience of never being accosted on the street and asked out on a date...), and response rates are not that low if you're smart about it. People talk about 50 messages to get a reply; my experience is more like 10 to get a date (and no, I'm not conventionally attractive).

In short, I'd say online dating sucks for everyone, in different ways, but it's not that bad for anyone. "Soul crushing"? Hardly. And if all of your messages are being ignored, maybe it says something about your messages.

(The real trick, I think, is empathy. Think about the person you're messaging. They have an inbox full of terrible messages. What can you write that will stand out? How can you make the reply interesting? What do they want to see? They have too many messages; they're looking for a reason to filter your out; what do you need to avoid saying? Your goal is to get them to read the message, then click on your profile, then reply to your message. It's not that hard a problem!)

Re: Why Online Dating Sucks for Men (2013)

#26

Post by paulcole »

I'm a man and in my late 20's (currently mid-30's and been with my partner for a few years now) had a great time using OKCupid. I was able to average 2-3 dates per week and received replies to ~25% of my messages.

Before anyone asks, I am average appearance. I don't drive (bicycle only). Things I had going in my favor: I'm white, had a flexible job (could meet whenever) and vegan diet (probably the biggest help as vegan women way outnumber vegan men even here in Portland).

Here are my tips for men seeking women:

1. Say as little as possible in your profile.

2. Spend as close to no time as possible on the messages you send. Should be 3-5 sentences max and end in a relevant question that the recipient can answer.

3. If you get a response, don't waste time with back and forth. Immediately ask to meet for coffee.

4. Ask questions and listen. When someone tells a story, don't immediately tell one that's similar-- ask a question.

5. Open your age range to include women who are older than you are (try as much as a decade, not just 1-2 years).

Re: Why Online Dating Sucks for Men (2013)

#27

Post by mikelyons »

pottersbasilisk wrote: post #7
sneak wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One of the reasons most women put little/no effort into online dating is because the median quality of men is generally so low. There are ways of differentiating, like anything else, but it's become much worse in the last 3-5 years.

why would the quality of women be higher than men on dating sites ? Is it some american cultural thing? I assumed the quality would be pretty even.

The measures of quality for men and women are different. A woman's quality is how hot she is, a man's quality is how much status, motivation, wealth, strength and awareness he's cultivated. Looks for women, energy for men. (the energy you come across with, not how much energy you have) If sex is your #1 desire and motivator in life, life is much easier for women.

Re: Why Online Dating Sucks for Men (2013)

#28

Post by lumberjack »

autokad wrote: post #3

when i was young, my female friends would say just be yourself, happy, etc and someone will just come along. i did that, failed, and i said why did it go so wrong? then i considered their world view, and i face palmed myself. same thing happens, women say try online dating, its so easy! my response rate (let alone something that leads to a rl meeting) is about 1/50. not worth it. i wonder if online dating will become…

Don't bother with online dating. First of all the quality of women is much lower than any you'd meet IRL. Secondly, they purposefully set absurdly high standards. Thirdly, if physical looks aren't your strong point, you cannot really make a good impression because that is what they are going to be judging you on. What you write in your profile is close to useless

If you have trouble finding women, move to a big city and start working on meeting people. It's pretty much a numbers game for men of average/below-average looks.

Re: Why Online Dating Sucks for Men (2013)

#30

Post by ThrustVectoring »

muninn_ wrote: post #14
sneak wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One of the reasons most women put little/no effort into online dating is because the median quality of men is generally so low. There are ways of differentiating, like anything else, but it's become much worse in the last 3-5 years.

Nah. The issue is that women generally have higher perceived self worth than men do in this regard, and so are more selective.

I think it's more general than that: everyone has higher perceived self worth than they actually have. And so the response rate sucks in general, since everyone's going after folks outside their league and never settling for what's actually reasonable for both parties.
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