You Can Change Your Personality • Hacker News Board

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#21

Post by ArkyBeagle » Sat, Jan 21, 2017, 9:22 PM UTC

tw04 wrote: post #8

nxc18 wrote: post #5

People often use "its just my personality" as an excuse for bad behavior. Intuitively I think most people know that you have control over your behavior at the very least as well as aspects of your personality. Just like any other activity, you can practice being a more considerate, or more respectful, or less neurotic personality. There is a weird meme that tech people aren't capable of being "team players" or workin…

I've always wondered, given this "stereotype" if there isn't more to it. Is it possible that because, in general, people who were "nerds" were likely more of a social outcast growing up, that they have essentially become "hardened", if you will, to social graces. They spent so much of their developmental years being teased/ridiculed/whatever that what is "normal" treatment of others has essentially become foreign to…

There is a scene in "Better Things" where Sam's oldest expresses a dread of the future because she'd spent all her time "being social" and felt unprepared. This when the school counselor had demonstrated that her options for college were quite limited.

This appears to be still encouraged, or at least not discouraged.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#22

Post by zw123456 » Sat, Jan 21, 2017, 9:28 PM UTC

I think there are limitations to how much someone can change. The analogy I would use is physical traits, you can loose weight, or you can exercise and increase strength and so on but there are limitations. I am 59 and no matter how hard I train I am not going to be able to run a 4 minute mile but I am sure if I worked at it a little harder I could improve my running skills. Similarly, I think one can, through therapy, meditation or other types of mental fitness activities, can make improvements if they have the sufficient desire to do so, but within limits.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#23

Post by dpark » Sat, Jan 21, 2017, 9:29 PM UTC

tw04 wrote: post #8

nxc18 wrote: post #5

People often use "its just my personality" as an excuse for bad behavior. Intuitively I think most people know that you have control over your behavior at the very least as well as aspects of your personality. Just like any other activity, you can practice being a more considerate, or more respectful, or less neurotic personality. There is a weird meme that tech people aren't capable of being "team players" or workin…

I've always wondered, given this "stereotype" if there isn't more to it. Is it possible that because, in general, people who were "nerds" were likely more of a social outcast growing up, that they have essentially become "hardened", if you will, to social graces. They spent so much of their developmental years being teased/ridiculed/whatever that what is "normal" treatment of others has essentially become foreign to…

I think this is mostly an effect of nerds not wanting to be exclusionary and therefore enabling this kind of behavior. If you're a nerd and you're kind of a prick, other nerds will tend to excuse it rather than just pushing you away. They'll disregard your behavior and keep inviting you to events. They'll ignore the fact that you're unpleasant when bonuses/promos are being handed out at work because it should be based on merit, as if there's no merit in behaving sociably. They'll generally look the other way because the alternatives are to be confrontational (which most people, including nerds, don't want to do) or to exclude you.

On the other hand, if you're not a nerd and you act like a prick, people will just start to cut you out of their lives. You won't get invited to social events. You probably won't get promoted because no one wants to work with you. Your behavior will impact your life. You can be a prick and be successful, but it's harder, because you have to balance it by being really good at something else. You're an amazing salesperson so you get rewarded despite being unpleasant. You're wealthy so people hang out with you even though you're rude.

The bar for nerds looking the other way seems to be lower. You're rude, but that's just how you are. Obviously there are limits even for nerds, but the limits seem to be pretty high.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#24

Post by usloth_wandows » Sat, Jan 21, 2017, 9:33 PM UTC

zw123456 wrote: post #22

I think there are limitations to how much someone can change. The analogy I would use is physical traits, you can loose weight, or you can exercise and increase strength and so on but there are limitations. I am 59 and no matter how hard I train I am not going to be able to run a 4 minute mile but I am sure if I worked at it a little harder I could improve my running skills. Similarly, I think one can, through therap…

Honesty you having that mind set will make it impossible to get the 4 minute mile, but it is possible for someone with the motivation.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#25

Post by dpark » Sat, Jan 21, 2017, 9:35 PM UTC

_0ffh wrote: post #12

nxc18 wrote: post #5

People often use "its just my personality" as an excuse for bad behavior. Intuitively I think most people know that you have control over your behavior at the very least as well as aspects of your personality. Just like any other activity, you can practice being a more considerate, or more respectful, or less neurotic personality. There is a weird meme that tech people aren't capable of being "team players" or workin…

I'm not familiar with that meme, and I wonder how it came to be. Maybe from people who got on the nerves of others who do not suffer fools or lazy people gladly? Personally, I work in a environment where most of my colleagues are also engineering professionals, and most everyone is friendly and helpful. And while probably being the most stereotypical tech nerd in my department, I still get occasional commendations fo…

The meme is that tech people are generally just assholes. It is a pretty common meme, but I don't think it's actually true. Very few of the tech people I know are actually assholes. Most are quite pleasant, even the ones that are socially awkward.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#26

Post by jaytaylor » Sat, Jan 21, 2017, 9:41 PM UTC

nommm-nommm wrote: post #15

vivekd wrote: post #13

Did I just miss something or did the article offer no evidence for it's position that personality can changer other than presenting some writing exercises by high schoolers that asked them if personality can change. It didn't seem to elaborate about how these exercises affected or changed their personality or present any other evidence or examples of changing personality. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that persona…

They named the the journal and the issue but not the title of the meta-analysis itself. "In an analysis of 207 studies, published this month in the journal Psychological Bulletin, a team of six researchers found that personality can and does change, and by a lot, and fairly quickly. But only with a therapist’s help. (Imagine that.)" Edit: someone tracked down the original. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1345207…

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Brent_Roberts/publicati...

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#27

Post by visarga » Sat, Jan 21, 2017, 9:47 PM UTC

vivekd wrote: post #13

Did I just miss something or did the article offer no evidence for it's position that personality can changer other than presenting some writing exercises by high schoolers that asked them if personality can change. It didn't seem to elaborate about how these exercises affected or changed their personality or present any other evidence or examples of changing personality. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that persona…

> I do believe that personality can change

I don't think personality actually changes much, it just has some latent and some manifested aspects, depending on circumstance. In different circumstances it can manifest different aspects. It doesn't mean it changes, just that it can variate depending on context.

It's often possible that trying to change your personality would lead to much suffering, because it's inherently difficult. I read some time ago a psychological study that applied MBTI to cult members. They were asked how they viewed their personality before, in the present and in the future. The trend was to attempt to emulate the personality type of the cult leader. Their happiness was inversely correlated to how much off-base they were attempting to be.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#28

Post by nommm-nommm » Sat, Jan 21, 2017, 9:49 PM UTC

steanne wrote: post #6

pretty typical salesmanship: if you convince people a) there's something wrong with them and b) that thing can be changed, you can sell them a cure.

If one is seeking therapy they usually do so because they are experiencing some sort of distress in their lives, thus they don't need to be convinced there is something wrong with them - they already know and presumably want to fix it.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#29

Post by underwater » Sat, Jan 21, 2017, 9:58 PM UTC

nxc18 wrote: post #5

People often use "its just my personality" as an excuse for bad behavior. Intuitively I think most people know that you have control over your behavior at the very least as well as aspects of your personality. Just like any other activity, you can practice being a more considerate, or more respectful, or less neurotic personality. There is a weird meme that tech people aren't capable of being "team players" or workin…

It is a really counter productive meme. My theory is that engineers are so comfortable using logic to solve problems, and viewing solutions as right or wrong that they fail to adapt when there are shades of grey.

Get a bunch engineers in a room and they'll argue forever about a solution because they don't understand their own biases or how emotion is clouding people's judgement. Bringing a bit of empathy can resolve these impasses so much more quickly.

The most effective technical people I've met have combined intelligence with an ability to get people on board with their vision.

Re: You Can Change Your Personality

#30

Post by RileyKyeden » Sat, Jan 21, 2017, 9:59 PM UTC

zw123456 wrote: post #22

I think there are limitations to how much someone can change. The analogy I would use is physical traits, you can loose weight, or you can exercise and increase strength and so on but there are limitations. I am 59 and no matter how hard I train I am not going to be able to run a 4 minute mile but I am sure if I worked at it a little harder I could improve my running skills. Similarly, I think one can, through therap…

The problem with this perspective is you can't know your true limit until you actually reach it by trying to improve. So you might as well keep aiming a little higher.