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How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

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Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#191

Post by hazzajay »

This is my first time on HN. Don't know what the chances are, but what a coincidence. I'm building a startup that solves this exact problem. I have been struggling with social anxiety & introversion for years, so I'm sick of it.

As the OP has mentioned, "it saddens me that I find myself idling on weekends, doing everything by myself. Its really painful on times when I have a lack of self-confidence." Don't worry OP, you're not alone :)

Not going to post links or names of the startup because this is my first time posting. If anybody is interested, feel free to ask me.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#192

Post by squigs25 »

Confidence is the name of the game.

I understand that it's tough not speaking English as a native language. I understand that you don't feel like you have a lot going for you socially. At the end of the day any one person can come up with a million reasons why they're not "cool".

I program all day. I have bad breath. I don't drink. I have trouble hearing. I have a soft voice. I get really sleepy.

It up to you what you want to let hinder your social life. In high school, I was extremely introverted and had little experience talking to girls. To build up my confidence, I started working out, reading magazines like men's health and GQ to build out a more stylish wardrobe and pick up on some social queues. And slowly I became friends with a few other people. We weren't the coolest bunch in town, but by the end of my senior year, I was certainly one of the best-known faces on my high school campus.

Of course, then I realized years later that while this was all good, I had lost sight of one of true passions: programming ;-)

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#193

Post by alandarev »

typon wrote: post #77
dnautics wrote: post #65

I stated this in a sub thread, but: Get in the practice of getting in debt to other people (not necessarily monetary). Asking for favors, or help. If you read Debt: The Last 5000 years, debts are the glue that held society together for milennia. It sounds like you have done a lot of work making yourself independent. But if you want to be social and have friends, you have to do exactly the opposite, and find a way to…

From my experience, indebting other people to you works really well too. However, you must not expect anything in return when doing the favour, and act gracious even if they don't return it.

If you want to lose a friend, lend him/her. (Russian proverb)

To highlight your message, I as well suggest anyone lending to prepare for the worst case scenario - never see it back. If you start persuading person owing you, he/she might pay back but you will never be friends.

On other hand, why indebt people? What happened to genuine helping others?

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#194

Post by rfzabick »

My advice? Learn to partner dance. I always say it's the most fun you can have with modular arithmetic.

I'm pretty introverted, but I've been an enthusiastic swing dancer for 17 years now. Start by taking classes. You'll meet a bunch of people. Also, there's a structure to the interactions there. You're all there to learn, you're all just starting out in the dance, you're all meeting each other for the first time, etc. After a few months, you'll start making friends from classes. Somewhere in your first 1-3 months of classes, you'll go out dancing socially, like to a bar, or a club, or a concert, etc. You'll meet more people there, too. Also, it's super fun!

Another thing that has been great for me about dancing is that it's social, but it's not very verbal unless I want it to be. There have been many times I've felt drained and didn't want to spend a lot of energy holding up a conversation. On those nights, I'd go out for an evening of dancing and dance with 1 or 2 dozen different women and barely said more than "Would you like to dance?" and "Thank you for the dance." I'm a native English speaker, but I still find conversation draining sometimes. Dance gives me a way to get out of the house and interact with people and avoid staying in the house and compounding anxiety. Also, it's super fun!

Pick a dance where people go out and dance socially at places other than dance studios (swing/lindy hop or salsa are your best bets. IMHO, lindy hop is far and away the best. Also, there are tons of guys in IT in lindy hop, so you'll fit right in.) Technically, people can ballroom dance anywhere, but in practice, at least in Chicago, there are no weekly ballroom events that I know of outside of ballroom dance schools. The reason I advise this is that classes are great for learning the dance and for having a social structure to rely on, but you also want to have unstructured social time with people you've been meeting in classes. Also, you'll meet more people this way and dancing socially is a ton of fun. If you have a weekly dance or two to go see friends at, it's easier to stick with classes than if you're taking classes so that you can get better for... taking more classes.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#195

Post by DanBC »

alandarev wrote: post #193
typon wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

From my experience, indebting other people to you works really well too. However, you must not expect anything in return when doing the favour, and act gracious even if they don't return it.

If you want to lose a friend, lend him/her. (Russian proverb) To highlight your message, I as well suggest anyone lending to prepare for the worst case scenario - never see it back. If you start persuading person owing you, he/she might pay back but you will never be friends. On other hand, why indebt people? What happened to genuine helping others?

There is some psychological "research" that suggests if you ask a person to help you they then like you more.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#196

Post by typon »

saalweachter wrote: post #146
typon wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

From my experience, indebting other people to you works really well too. However, you must not expect anything in return when doing the favour, and act gracious even if they don't return it.

A poem on the subject of lending & taking: Lending Out Books Hal Sirowitz You’re always giving, my therapist said. You have to learn how to take. Whenever you meed a woman, the first thing you do is lend her your books. You think she’ll have to see you again in order to return them. But what happens is, she doesn’t have the time to read them, & she’s afraid if she sees you again you’ll expect her to talk about them,…

That's such a sad and pessimistic way of looking at life.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#197

Post by rayiner »

JTxt wrote: post #134
rayiner wrote: post #108

Are you necessarily an introvert, or do you find it difficult to interact with people because of language/cultural barriers? I say this because extreme introverts enjoy being alone. I used to think I leaned toward introversion, but gradually between high school and college I realized that I enjoyed having a big circle of friends--what I didn't enjoy was the social context of school. I'm a drinks in a nice lounge kind…

I agree with all of that except going into debt... When I can help it. (I can see having a car helping a social life though.) When I have a buffer of cash and food I feel more free and feel better about myself. When I'm happy with myself, others like me more too... but then I also start to care less of what most others think. Edit: You edited out getting debt for a car? That may not be a bad idea for some.

> Edit: You edited out getting debt for a car? That may not be a bad idea for some.

Sorry for the ninja edit. I felt the post was getting too long and it was sort of an ancillary point.

Anyway, I think it's important to have a car if you live in a car dependent area. It's really easy to justify spending all weekend at home alone if you need to rely on awful public transit to get anywhere.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#199

Post by oalders »

bshimmin wrote: post #160
saalweachter wrote: post #135

Here's my thoughts, as someone who's naturally shy, socially awkward (or maybe just plain weird), and loaded with anxiety issues. Start small. Don't try to make friends at first, just practice interacting with people. Ask totally random people questions you can Google. Is the 6 train running on time today? Is this the way to Market Street? Do you know a good coffee shop around here? Ask people in social situations pe…

Some great advice! Getting into a routine of going to the same place seems like a real winner to me. Mastering small talk in England is incredibly easy. If the weather is inclement, talk about the weather. If the weather is clement, talk about the weather. If you get bored talking about the weather, talk about football (particularly apt right now). If you know nothing about football, either watch enough that you can…

Indeed. Every 4 years it feels like you can talk to pretty much anyone about football. At least that's how it seems in Canada. The good thing about living in a country which almost never qualifies for the finals is that there are lots of different teams to chat about.

This year the good news is you don't even need to know much about football in order to have an opinion on Goal-line technology. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goal-line_technology

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#200

Post by xxs »

dimillian wrote: post #73
Treyno wrote: post #56

Have you tried online gaming? No it doesn't solve the fact that you'll be sat alone still. But from past experience, personally online gaming being a huge hobby of mine I often like to meet people from other countries in-games such as counterstrike and World of Warcraft or DayZ. We speak a little through game chat (Mic, if they're enabled). If I enjoy playing with them I get them to hop on to Teamspeak or skype with…

Hey, +1000 for online gaming. I'm an moderate introvert with some greats friends. Nowadays I play a lot a certain MMO. I met some greats & awesome people, even had some meetup IRL. I've met people working at Apple, Blizzard & more. We shared passion & experience, it got me some business opportunity too. The world is so small it's amazing.

No, online gaming is a bad idea for the person in question. I tell that having an online maxed out toons diablo II hardcore (if you die you lose your toon), maxed out toons (gear) in Linage2, Aion and Rift.

The escapism offered by the online gaming is a no substitute for real life. You're basically asking a person with no social life to become a true no-lifer.

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