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Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

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Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#191

Post by all2 »

zoogeny wrote: post #105

I have an understanding/interpretation of the philosopher Kierkegaard's metaphor of the Knight of Infinite Resignation from his work Fear and Trembling [1] that relates to this. He tells the story of a Knight that falls in love with a princess. In the olden days princesses were married off by their parents for political reasons. There is no way his love, even if it is returned, can ever be fulfilled. So the Knight re…

I handle this by not dwelling too much on the past. Things undone do haunt me, but they are not and what is, is. The ephemeral is as useless as the emotions I have about them, and I treat it as such. Anything else is inviting agony and regret. I have enough of those and I don't need more of them.

A lot of this emotional anguish can be quashed with what might be considered "rude" pragmatism. Remove what is useless, ignore what intrudes and cannot be changed, get on with what you have and don't dwell too much on what you do not have.

Another way to frame this is from a Biblical perspective: be thankful for what good things you have and do not yearn for what you have not been given. Everything in this life is a gift. Every penny you earn, every breath you draw is more than you deserve. In that light, the life I have is wonderful, and full of joy and satisfaction. I have so much that I do not deserve, so many good things and many beyond the limit of my awareness. So I choose thankfulness before the pain of seeking that which is not, that which is unattainable, or that which is long past.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#192

Post by imafish »

donatj wrote: post #143

I turned 40 the other day. There has been unrelenting reflection on where I am and how I got here. A lot of lament for a small handful of decisions and a life marked by avoiding uncomfortable decisions. I don't know where the last 20 years have gone. Last I remember, I was playing Wii in my friend's basement. I remember the seemingly endless opportunities nights laid out before us. DVDs and pizza and furious laughter…

In the blink of an eye you'll be 60, looking back thinking where the last 20 years went. Make them count :)

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#194

Post by all2 »

jdw64 wrote: post #145

When I was young, I wanted to become a physicist. The physicists I admired were people like Faraday and George Green. I was moved by the lives of people who, despite difficult circumstances, reached toward nature through their own curiosity and discipline. But when I actually entered graduate school, I realized that I had not learned English well enough. I could understand books written in Korean, but reading papers…

I think you should try to go back to school for physics. Or teach yourself physics. If this idea still draws you, you should do it.

What sub-field were you going for?

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#195

Post by NoSalt »

marcus_holmes wrote: post #97
stego-tech wrote: post #50

It’s the not-knowing that is the most haunting. I know I’ll never be able to take martial arts; I have made peace with that. I know I will never be an amazing athlete; I have made peace with that as well. Same with my body composition: I will never be rail-thin, I will never “fit” into most “fun” cars even when I finish my weight loss journey, I will never be the kind of guy who can fit into a Medium of anything clot…

Journey over destination. The thing is to enjoy the process, not focus on the desired outcome. > Perhaps I need to make peace with the fact that some dreams are worth fighting for until the bitter end, never knowing if they’re achievable or not Most of the time, the dream changes as you chase it. Going on the journey changes you, and your perspective gets better and more detailed, and the original dream fades and new…

I will agree with this ... to a point. An endless journey, often fraught with physical and/or emotional pain, without any kind of satisfying destination, would be completely miserable.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#196

Post by jdw64 »

all2 wrote: post #194
jdw64 wrote: post #145

When I was young, I wanted to become a physicist. The physicists I admired were people like Faraday and George Green. I was moved by the lives of people who, despite difficult circumstances, reached toward nature through their own curiosity and discipline. But when I actually entered graduate school, I realized that I had not learned English well enough. I could understand books written in Korean, but reading papers…

I think you should try to go back to school for physics. Or teach yourself physics. If this idea still draws you, you should do it. What sub-field were you going for?

I majored in superconductivity

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#197

Post by [deleted] »

ericmcer wrote: post #190
donatj wrote: post #143

I turned 40 the other day. There has been unrelenting reflection on where I am and how I got here. A lot of lament for a small handful of decisions and a life marked by avoiding uncomfortable decisions. I don't know where the last 20 years have gone. Last I remember, I was playing Wii in my friend's basement. I remember the seemingly endless opportunities nights laid out before us. DVDs and pizza and furious laughter…

Only 39 but definitely relate. From 18-28 life was sharing apartments with various friends just wiling our time away working easy jobs, rock climbing, video games, girls, etc. Then the looming pressure of "you are wasting your life!" drove us all into serious careers and relationships one by one. Is it societal pressure that pushes us out of that life? It would be considered an "empty" existence, but being a part tim…

[deleted]

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#198

Post by tinyplanets »

I really appreciate the article and responses here. This is a topic that resonates with me, and is something I often struggle with. My early dreams were to be an ecologist, wildlife biologist, or conservation scientist, along the lines of Jane Goodall, George Schaller, or E.O. Wilson. Life circumstances and choices I made early on diverted me from that (along with the fact that these are extremely difficult careers to break into), and I ended up in a relatively comfortable, tech-focused career. I have a loving family, live in a beautiful area, have great friends and my income is good...

And yet I still wrestle with "could-of" or "should-of" thoughts about my life. It's tiring, and often detracts from my well-being and happiness.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#199

Post by zoogeny »

all2 wrote: post #191
zoogeny wrote: post #105

I have an understanding/interpretation of the philosopher Kierkegaard's metaphor of the Knight of Infinite Resignation from his work Fear and Trembling [1] that relates to this. He tells the story of a Knight that falls in love with a princess. In the olden days princesses were married off by their parents for political reasons. There is no way his love, even if it is returned, can ever be fulfilled. So the Knight re…

I handle this by not dwelling too much on the past. Things undone do haunt me, but they are not and what is, is. The ephemeral is as useless as the emotions I have about them, and I treat it as such. Anything else is inviting agony and regret. I have enough of those and I don't need more of them. A lot of this emotional anguish can be quashed with what might be considered "rude" pragmatism. Remove what is useless, ig…

That sounds like a good attitude.

I think that Kierkegaard was considering that this attitude has to be permanent. You can't praise yourself for having resigned yourself last year, last month or last week. You have to resign yourself each and every time the urge to "dwell on the past" arises. And that urge finds a person when they are at their weakest.

There is some subtlety in how one chooses to look at the past. For example, you say "I choose thankfulness" and you recognize "the life I have is wonderful, and full of joy and satisfaction" which sound healthy. However, this describes your attitude to the present while leaving out your attitude toward the past.

He specifically calls out when a person trying to move on from the past degrades the lost alternative. In the metaphor of the princess, perhaps the Knight forms a negative opinion about her, or about aristocracy in general. He may choose to lie to himself like the fox from Aesop's fables, who when it cannot reach the grapes decides they must be sour. He may get angry with the girl, angry with himself, or angry with the world.

For Kierkegaard the ethical life requires staying true to your desires, even in the face of depravation. One ought not deny that they still want the thing they can't have. They will not rely on self-deception or ignore their true desire. They will realize that these desires will resurface and they cannot spend their life running from them.

All of this is easy to say but hard to live. It ends up forming the basis of what Kierkegaard suggests is a true faith. Fear and Trembling goes on to describe a Knight of Faith that lives beyond the Knight of Infinite Resignation but that is another thing entirely.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#200

Post by thinkingtoilet »

donatj wrote: post #143

I turned 40 the other day. There has been unrelenting reflection on where I am and how I got here. A lot of lament for a small handful of decisions and a life marked by avoiding uncomfortable decisions. I don't know where the last 20 years have gone. Last I remember, I was playing Wii in my friend's basement. I remember the seemingly endless opportunities nights laid out before us. DVDs and pizza and furious laughter…

I'm 43 and I'm about the happiest I've been in my life. I say that not to boast, but to say that putting some sort of restriction on your life because of your age is a bad way to frame things. It's never to late to try and build something that brings you joy. I've found my people where I live. I make an effort to see people and go out. The vast majority of weekends my wife and I are at home but we make an effort to host fun parties a few times a year. I find having a fun experience like that once every couple months does wonders for my mental health. Yes, I am very tired some times. And at this age, sometimes it will take 2 or 3 days to recover from a "late" night (that term has changed dramatically as we've aged). This isn't drinking related, I just can't sleep past 6:30 am.

It makes me so sad to see people basically give up. Therapy is a great start. You only have one life. Get out there and live it!

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