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How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

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Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#191

Post by balamatom »

em-bee wrote: post #151
catcowcostume wrote: post #135

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> (and yet i do it anyways) > which status would I be seeking You just answered your own question there. Being perceived as different, as beyond social conventions, as too cool for silly language rules. Or as they put in your parent comment - nonchalant

ok, that's helpful, thank you. but i think some background matters here: i was always (yes, since i can remember, at least starting from first grade) treated like an outsider. i was always treated like i was different despite growing up in a white homogeneous community simply because i was not a local and had difficulty making friends. my only defense was to run with it. it went as far as me wearing a different cloth…

this thread is funny, i picked up lower case writing around the outset of puberty from someone who seemed a little more awake than average and i thought that was cool

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#192

Post by xg15 »

balamatom wrote: post #190
xg15 wrote: post #187

Drama! It's an interesting list, and yeah, I'd say most are common sense and well put. But I'm still a bit very of those "negative lists". (I actually just found a webcomic which tries a similar approach - gives their characters intentionally the worst possible ways of interaction, with the "quest" of the story essentially being if they manage to grow and learn the right ones.) But in both, its easy to employ "persua…

QC?

Children of the Light, though haven't read QC yet. But from what I've heard, it sounded like it could qualify as well, yeah.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#193

Post by balamatom »

reactordev wrote: post #88
doubled112 wrote: post #83

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Instructions unclear. I don't usually smile at puppies, I point them out to my wife. She does the smiling for us. What if she isn't there? Who will do the smiling?

What makes you happy when you see it? Imagine that.

I don't know about you, but things that make me happy and things that automatically make me bare my teeth at them are not the same things. Deal with it.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#194

Post by poemxo »

I am guessing the author is either criticizing people who are anti-social (in the pop culture definition) or believes he was before and after some thinking arrived at the conclusion that antisociety was not the way. But I don't feel it describes my internal motivations, so I've translated them to my behaviors:

- if someone is confusing or upsetting you, assume it is your fault

- interpret others' actions in the context of your fears (this one is spot on)

- assume your assumptions are wrong and that you shouldn't even bother

- pivot conversations when someone asks you about something you actually know or are good at, it might be a trick, tell them you're dumb instead

- if you must ask questions, convince yourself you must not, just figure it out instead

- dig in your heels at no point in time whatsoever and just tell people the minimum they need to hear so they leave

- do not develop narratives or it means you will have an immediate network

- do not research the acumen or credentials of anyone

- do not grant grace to those who make mistakes, they might actually be wrong and you're not a judge

- when all hope is lost in conversation, pretend to take their side to end the conversation

- do not seek to understand anyone at all

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#195

Post by bsoles »

gensym wrote: post #173
0xmattf wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You reminded me of one of the first interviews I ever had in tech. I took 2 phone screens, and a take home assignment. Last step: Zoom interview with some of the IT team (3 people). It started well, but I slowly started panicking. All three of them were shooting questions at me, which I answered them all correctly, as far as I know, but I was so... cold. Started stammering my words and speaking like a terrified child…

Honestly, it sounds to me like the CTO, not you, is the one who should be embarrassed by memories of that experience. Unless being a polished speaker under high pressure situations was a requirement for the job, the CTO, as leader, should have had the skill to make you more comfortable expressing your knowledge and skills. I have memories of experiences freezing up and losing the physical control required to speak as…

One of my worst experiences as a junior member of our interview team was when a candidate was "walked out" when the hiring manager decided that the person was not going to work out. I still feel embarrassed about it myself. What a terrible experience for the interviewee.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#196

Post by randusername »

labrador wrote: post #94

As a anti-social person and a misanthrope, these are all tips for amateurs that assume you must be in a relationship with other people. This is not true. One can be a hermit and enjoy the solitude. My comment here is not designed for replies and social interaction. I'm making it to test my idea against the wisdom of the crowds in case someone can enlighten me about where I might be wrong. I'm seeking information, not…

Is it not contradictory to value isolation but also to peek outward from it to access information? Surely reading books is some admission that there is value in experiencing the perspectives of others, albeit a one-sided experience.

I don't think reclusiveness is a moral failing. I don't think we owe society participation. But I do think that hermithood forgoes unbounded unforeseen possibilities for a known, bounded experience. I'd call this "the safe bet is not necessarily the best bet" argument against isolationism and towards social/collaborative open-mindedness.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#197

Post by gensym »

bsoles wrote: post #195
gensym wrote: post #173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Honestly, it sounds to me like the CTO, not you, is the one who should be embarrassed by memories of that experience. Unless being a polished speaker under high pressure situations was a requirement for the job, the CTO, as leader, should have had the skill to make you more comfortable expressing your knowledge and skills. I have memories of experiences freezing up and losing the physical control required to speak as…

One of my worst experiences as a junior member of our interview team was when a candidate was "walked out" when the hiring manager decided that the person was not going to work out. I still feel embarrassed about it myself. What a terrible experience for the interviewee.

That shit makes me so mad. Bringing people to your office in a truly vulnerable state - they're inviting you to judge them. Anyone who doesn't treat them with compassion and kindness lacks what it takes to be a good leader.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#198

Post by bsoles »

justonceokay wrote: post #42
foo12bar wrote: post #33

How about the old fashioned freezing with a face contorted in fear like your being held at knife point unable to think of anything to say and just waiting to be able to leave? When you get asked a question, fumble over your words and say something stupid. Later on, you can reflexively watch the memory played over and over again so you're even worse the next time. If you see anyone you met during the encounter afterwa…

If any one single interaction makes you have such a response, that might be a reason to see someone. I wish for everyone to be able to move through the social world with grace and ease. Put less kindly: there’s nothing so special about you that being yourself around a new person should cause such a panic. Even if they take an instant dislike to you, that should be something you can take in stride

My favorite Jane Austen quote on this subject:

Perhaps,' said Darcy, 'I should have judged better, had I sought an introduction, but I am ill qualified to recommend myself to strangers.'

'Shall we ask your cousin the reason of this?' said Elizabeth, still addressing Colonel Fitzwilliam. 'Shall we ask him why a man of sense and education, and who has lived in the world, is ill qualified to recommend himself to strangers?'

'I can answer your question,' said Fitzwilliam, 'without applying to him. It is because he will not give himself the trouble.'

'I certainly have not the talent which some people possess,' said Darcy, 'of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done.'

'My fingers,' said Elizabeth, 'do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women's do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault -- because I would not take the trouble of practising. It is not that I do not believe my fingers as capable as any other woman's of superior execution.'

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#199

Post by [deleted] »

Miraltar wrote: post #119
em-bee wrote: post #100

Earlier quoted context omitted.

hmm, i have been writing all lowercase almost anywhere since a few decades. but it most people have complained about readability. this is the first time that someone suggests that it is manipulative, status seeking. if i want people to read my stuff, then what kind of manipulation would writing all lower case accomplish? seems counterproductive. and if it is counterproductive then it can't really be manipulative in m…

I personally dislike all lowercase, to me it feels like not greeting someone but I don't get GP's argument either. The article is a bullet point, yes, but some items have multiple sentences with no caps

[deleted]

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#200

Post by doright »

balamatom wrote: post #180
legacynl wrote: post #159

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The point is that a fully grown person (i.e. adult) should be able to regulate their emotions to the point of being able to have a conversation with 3 strangers. You might not like it, it might stress you out a bunch, you can cry afterwards, or have a stiff drink after, but you should be able to set those emotions aside for 30 minutes, especially for something important like a job interview. If someone cannot do that…

> No matter if it was 'done to them', Love the quote marks. Next time try a Marx quote. I mean the brothers. To fellow humans reading: the point is that the ones who did this to you are extremely unlikely to repent. Or even to comprehend that what they did to you is wrong. Even if you were to explicitly hurt yourself - or place yourself in a position where you get hurt very badly - with the intent to communicate "do…

Sadly the human need for being heard and understood is innate, and it has been my experience that books can't substitute for that need. On the other hand, there are swathes of incompetent therapists that can only aggravate one's mental state.

The only solution I see is to find the right therapist. Some people might not when their future depends on them finding one, and they give up too early. I can't see how that would be fixed except maybe having a mediator that pairs you up with therapists they recommend and asks if you feel an improvement each week. You'd be surprised, but I had nobody to do this for me. So I ended up losing years worth of time sticking with incompetent therapists because "going to therapy" like everybody told me to seemed more important than "fixing my life."

As cruel as it sounds, I was in no position to think critically about my own treatment because my mental state only allowed me to see checking off the box of self-care to get people off my back as the ultimate goal. It's the nature of the problem of mental healthcare. If I had been given a simple questionnaire to rate my treatment providers on a scale of 1-10 in various dimensions, I would have been put in front of someone else within a month or two.

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