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The year I didn't survive

bessstillman.substack.com

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Re: The year I didn't survive

#191

Post by mattmaroon »

lux wrote: post #58

Sisyphean is the word I’ve come back to a lot myself since my wife took her life on November 6, 2024. Feeling like I’m now trying to live for both of us, grasping at ways of honouring her memory despite the incredible love we had being unable to “save” her, and somehow not at all myself anymore, but having to keep moving forward feels hopeless beyond belief. I lost my dad suddenly just two months prior, and my grandm…

You're still in the valley. It does seem Sisyphean and it will for ahwile. I went through this in 2021 and it took a few years to get to the point where it doesn't feel hopeless.

You won't be the same person after, but in some ways that's good. Highly recommend grief counseling. Feel free to reach out if you need help from someone who has been through it.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#192

Post by amonon »

DFHippie wrote: post #137
lux wrote: post #58

Sisyphean is the word I’ve come back to a lot myself since my wife took her life on November 6, 2024. Feeling like I’m now trying to live for both of us, grasping at ways of honouring her memory despite the incredible love we had being unable to “save” her, and somehow not at all myself anymore, but having to keep moving forward feels hopeless beyond belief. I lost my dad suddenly just two months prior, and my grandm…

I sympathize. I won't offer platitudes. I find those don't lessen grief. My son took his own life on February 1st, 2023. I feel like someone took a huge melon baller and scooped out the middle of my chest. My wife and I had been trying to get him back on his feet for two years at that point. He died quietly about 10 feet from me. The family cat kept trying to get me to open his bedroom door. I kept trying to respect…

>I sympathize. I won't offer platitudes. I find those don't lessen grief.

The most meaningful thing someone ever said to me, after my daughter was stillborn full term, was: "There is nothing to say."

Re: The year I didn't survive

#193

Post by roughly »

jajko wrote: post #68
throwcatowayne wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Jeez, this resonates with me so much. In 2019 I was constantly on the upswing. But in 2020, it's been an intensely downward spiral since. I was under so much stress from a 60hr/wk job, isolated during covid with a partner who turned physically abusive and having constant mental breakdowns, on top of trying to endure it all for a once in a lifetime housing opportunity, and then both of my parents ended up hospitalized…

Sorry to hear that, really sorry. One thing I dont get with similar stories - you felt things are seemingly going to shit in relationship yet no reaction, no quitting but maybe even double down? Abusive people will be abusive with no easy fix in sight, sucking it up for some real estate opportunity is a sure recipe for disaster and misery and no money gained will ever compensate for that. Thats one of 101 of life, th…

Every single person who winds up in that situation has said or thought exactly that about someone else. There’s a reason all this advice is a cliche, and there’s a reason we have to keep giving it, and just consider yourself lucky that you still don’t understand why that is. It’s harder to be human than it seems.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#194

Post by giancarlostoro »

notwhereyouare wrote: post #189
giancarlostoro wrote: post #179

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> One thing I will suggest is a death doula. My in-laws already prepaid for their funeral burial and arrangement and my wife's, and his own fathers as well. So when it all happened, it as a lot less stress. It was still emotional, but everything was handled ahead of time. It might seem morbid to think about, but if you can preplan your funeral arrangements so your loved ones don't have to, it's definitely one of the…

something of note though, if it's with a specific funeral home, plan to follow up with them yearly to make sure they are still around. Dad found that out the hard way when his mom passed. He called up the funeral home and the number was disconnected. He had to scramble NYE to find somebody to take the body and then scramble and replan everything because the funeral home had been investigated by the state after a fire…

Good call out, and also really sad.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#195

Post by dwaltrip »

tombert wrote: post #19
danparsonson wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was reflecting just yesterday how, as we get older, gradually more and more of those who have been part of our sphere for significant portions of our lives (whether direct acquaintances, or just people who we know because of their public actions) begin to leave us, and how everyone who passes, whoever they are and however well we knew them, leaves a space that can't be filled. I'm truly sorry for all that you've be…

> I'm truly sorry for all that you've been through and I hope you find comfort. Reading through your other post it seems likely to me that nothing you said or did could have made any difference. Yeah I know, that's not really why I feel guilty, at least not exactly. I feel guilty because I noticed signs of someone who was suicidal, and explicitly chose to not do anything. Even if nothing would have changed, I still t…

We all fuck things up. Life is really hard and complicated.

It wasn’t a character test. That’s a narrative that you are telling yourself. It was a thing that happened. In the past. Same thing with “it shouldn’t take 3 years to get over this”. Says who? It takes what it takes.

Our life is a garden, we can only tend it as best we can. The plants grow how they grow.

Let yourself grieve as you let go of old narratives and rediscover yourself and your life in each moment.

For me, narratives like this were an attempt at being a “good person” who “deserved to be loved”. I’ve slowly and painfully learned that isn’t how it works. We are all worthy of love. Love isn’t earned, it is a gift that we give and receive. I’m learning how to receive it, most importantly from myself. It’s the hardest and most beautiful thing.

I offer these words in the hope that they are helpful and to share things I’ve learned. Take them if they are, forget them if they are not.

Sending love and wishing you the best. I’ve been there. It’s hard. But time will pass, things will change, and it gets better.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#197

Post by dwaltrip »

anal_reactor wrote: post #101

You all are writing about the loss of loved ones, and I'm like > You guys had loved ones? There's so much societal attention to loss, but any complaint about the inability to form meaningful relationships in the first place is usually met with enthusiastic "git gud". Nobody cares about the slow burnout of knowing that you'll always be on your own. Which makes sense if you think about it. A person going through loss m…

Loss of what of could have been can be just as painful as loss of what was. I hear you. Your feelings are valid. Wishing you best and sending love.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#198

Post by pbronez »

ErigmolCt wrote: post #82
wonger_ wrote: post #3

Very sad. In case you didn't open the link yet, this is from the widow of Jake Seliger, who was very active on HN: https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=jseliger . He died a few months ago. Grieving while being a new mom must be brutal.

I just hope she has the support she needs

If you want to help, she has a Go Fund Me here

https://www.gofundme.com/f/secure-a-bright-future-for-bess-a...

Re: The year I didn't survive

#199

Post by bsder »

jcims wrote: post #167
CobaltFire wrote: post #13

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…

My wife died of ovarian cancer in February of 2020, right as covid started. It felt like I was running on adrenaline and cortisol for two years. Scrambling to find anything to help, steadily applying the steel tip of my proverbial boot to the backside of the healthcare industry, doing home IVs, changing ostomy bags, making sure meds were straight, trying to gently urge her to eat something at all, deep diving into th…

> I should have accepted much earlier that it was over and just prepared for that inevitability rather than clawing and scratching for options right until the end. I just didn't know how to do it.

And yet with the other choice you might have regretted "not having done everything you could have". That is the curse of those with the ability to actually do something. In many ways, those who do not understand and simply place their faith in doctors are less burdened.

You did what you thought best at the time; that is all you could have done. Nothing you did or did not do was a mistake.

There are no "right" answers when facing mortality. My sympathies for what you went through, and I hope you are doing better.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#200

Post by sfjailbird »

throwaway155381 wrote: post #175
throwaway356356 wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throwaway: when my daughter was 4, she took a bath. My wife was in the living room doing laundry, literally 5 steps away. At that point, my daughter had just finished swimming class 3 months before. I was at work. When she called "mum!", my wife said: "Coming" and folded one final shirt. When she then entered the bathroom, my daughter floated in the tub, face down. No breathing, no sign of life anymore. My wife reviv…

This terrifies me. My mom died when of cancer I was 11, and I am much more anxious about things happening to my kids than my wife is. One day my wife said she was going to give our 4 year old daughter a bath, then I find my daughter by herself in the bath and my wife all the way across the house in the bedroom. I asked “Why aren’t you watching her?” The reply, “She’s fine. She knows how to swim and the water isn’t ev…

Those don't sound like unreasonable concerns at all. Wish you the best.

There's something I wanted to say reading this whole thread. I just hope it does not come off as lecturing or preaching. It's this: Don't feel bad about things that there is no way for you to change. Just do your very best about the things you can. Nobody can ask more of anyone.

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