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What really happens inside a dating app

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Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#191

Post by knallfrosch »

ggm wrote: post #184

The advice to boys/girls felt very real. And also, objectively not equal. Girl: lower your standards. Boy: pay a photographer to look nicer. This double disadvantages women as I see it: Their standards are held to be unrealistic (downpoint) and they have to incur the dissatisfaction of beleiving it, and acting on it to lower their expectations. AND Boys are expected to glam up and project a demonstrably less real sta…

Men are judged more harshly. Men need to pay a photographer to have their picture taken.

> This double disadvantages ..women?

Sorry, I don't follow you.

Especially since women's unrealistic judgement is to blame. Women are, objectively, rating men all wrong:

https://www.stevestewartwilliams.com/p/how-men-and-women-rat...

(I just pulled the first article that has the famous Okcupid graph.)

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#192

Post by aianus »

bradlys wrote: post #22

> More than 50% of men just never receive a like, and never means maybe 2 or 3 likes in the lifespan of several weeks As someone in that more than 50%, it’s very annoying to constantly get told to get on the apps to meet women. I’m surrounded by men in the top 20% because I’m affluent, well educated, and spend a lot of time at the gym. Sadly, I’m just around these people and wasn’t born into the same kind of family.…

Get a passport. You only have one life.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#193

Post by ggm »

knallfrosch wrote: post #191
ggm wrote: post #184

The advice to boys/girls felt very real. And also, objectively not equal. Girl: lower your standards. Boy: pay a photographer to look nicer. This double disadvantages women as I see it: Their standards are held to be unrealistic (downpoint) and they have to incur the dissatisfaction of beleiving it, and acting on it to lower their expectations. AND Boys are expected to glam up and project a demonstrably less real sta…

Men are judged more harshly. Men need to pay a photographer to have their picture taken. > This double disadvantages ..women? Sorry, I don't follow you. Especially since women's unrealistic judgement is to blame. Women are, objectively, rating men all wrong: https://www.stevestewartwilliams.com/p/how-men-and-women-rat... (I just pulled the first article that has the famous Okcupid graph.)

"blame" and "wrong" being words you brought to the table not I. So, in agreeing the bias exists, I don't cast the same emphasis as you in the situation. I see this as women demonstrably are being asked to accept lower standards than endogenously they seem as a set to believe in. To me thats a net cost on women, against their own beliefs. To you, they are to "blame" and they are "wrong"

I did say disadvantage. I own that word here. In fact, the situation disadvantages men just as much: either project an unrealistic version of yourself or be cast aside. But, thats the singular burden on men, because Women are being advised both to accept "less" and to believe the best they see, which is an artifact of professional portraiture. I've seen myself in candid shots and in pro shots and the pro shots are not me: I don't usually wear a shirt without food stains, and like George washington I am careful about my smile.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#194

Post by seabird »

throwaway314155 wrote: post #126
beeflet wrote: post #123

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think most people feel entitled to a romantic relationship in their life, and they're going to do whatever they need to do to attain that, regardless of whether or not you think it's "entitled".

You're not entitled to a relationship is the fact of the matter. It should be treated with respect and not as something you are owed. You know why? Because the man or woman on the other end of it is a person with a whole lived experience, feelings and capacity for love. They deserve better than some bitter resentment at never getting something you were "owed by destiny".

People say this to feel better about the situation with zero regard for the insidious societal issues it causes. It's absolutely true but it's basically never productive to make a point of it. For your own good and the good of society, develop more helpful insights or don't say anything at all.

Going through life with basically zero romantic opportunities will completely fucking fry the brain of an average human. Sex, romance, etc. are a top psychological priority to ensure the continuation of the species and most people on this planet are hardwired to be in pain in the absence of it. With some luck, people hurting like that hold on to some hope of things changing for them and it provides enough motivation to break even on societal contribution.

If they give up hope, our society is structured in a way that doesn't give them any reason to play by the rules any more. If you're holding down a good job, blow your money on stupid shit; you have no wife to disappoint and no kids feed. If your hobbies consist of jacking off and playing video games (these are super easy, so you should definitely consider them) just half-ass whatever job lets you squeak by on rent if you're not fortunate enough to crash at your parents' place indefinitely. Get super into drugs, you're not really hurting anybody but yourself. Your friends might think you're a fuckup, but they're busy with their family and don't have a lot of free time to spend with you, so you don't have to be ashamed of your situation all that often. 30+ years of no responsibilities other than don't die (and even that part is kind of optional). Gonzo lifestyle. It's all yours, baby. It's lit.

There are people out there that are just plain bitter, unstable, unable to be reasonably loved, and maybe even ugly to boot. There's not much to be done about that. That being said, in the modern era, it is very possible (maybe even easy) for good people to never form any romantic relationship that would tie them into productive society, and turn into burnouts with apathetic, bitter worldviews. "You aren't owed anything and you got what was coming" is not encouraging in the slightest.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#195

Post by itronitron »

bawolff wrote: post #146
carabiner wrote: post #117

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Lowering your standards will find guys who aren't just interested in sex. The problem is that most women want the same (small proportion of) men. He said that the more matches a man gets, the more likely he'll just want sex and not a relationship. So you go for the less desired men and you find better quality matches, if you are looking for more than casual relations.

It does seem like there are a lot of hidden assumptions here. Is the man who gets less matches really more likely to want a relationship rather than sex, or is he faking that opinion because he doesn't think he has options and thinks lying will get him more matches. My assumption would be someone who changes their mind on what they want based on availability of choices would probably not be a good relationship partne…

Presumably, men who get less matches would have more sex when they are in a relationship versus when they are not in one.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#196

Post by killingtime74 »

ggm wrote: post #184

The advice to boys/girls felt very real. And also, objectively not equal. Girl: lower your standards. Boy: pay a photographer to look nicer. This double disadvantages women as I see it: Their standards are held to be unrealistic (downpoint) and they have to incur the dissatisfaction of beleiving it, and acting on it to lower their expectations. AND Boys are expected to glam up and project a demonstrably less real sta…

Life's not equal. This is the least of it.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#197

Post by eloisius »

AnthonyMouse wrote: post #91
Workaccount2 wrote: post #3

The data here falls in line with the infamous OKcupid study (which got cancelled and taken down because men and women are identical, donchaknow?) The takeaway is that humans best date by meeting people in person through mutual acquaintances. Without the forced direct social interaction, women are only interested in the top 10% of guys, and guys are just aimlessly running at anything that moves regardless of their act…

It does imply a potentially interesting algorithm though: Show all of the women to all of the men. From this you get numbers on which women are the most highly rated. Then, show women a) men who are at the same percentile as them or below and b) the smaller number of men who have already liked them. The result is that 60th percentile women end up primarily liking 60th percentile men and so on, because they're the hig…

This only works in a vacuum. In the real world women will just close your app and open the one that has hot guys. I do wonder what would happen if you told people their own ranking and the ranking of their recommendations plainly though.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#198

Post by eloisius »

AnthonyMouse wrote: post #190
naijaboiler wrote: post #178

Earlier quoted context omitted.

won't work. many women won't end up liking anyone. And like he said, the most expensive thing to acquire is women. You have to be able to give women their "dream man" to retain them. And in apps, much much much more so than in real life, they will mostly all choose the same dream man. showing a 60 percentile woman, men that around 60 percentile is a sure way to drive women away from your app

> many women won't end up liking anyone. The implication being that the 60th percentile women who don't like 60th percentile men would have liked 95th percentile men. But that's useless, because finding matches for those men was never your problem to begin with. And those men are also going to match with 95th percentile women and then choose them over the 60th percentile women anyway unless they're only looking for a…

> And those men are also going to match with 95th percentile women and then choose them over the 60th percentile women anyway unless they're only looking for a hookup

That’s exactly what happens. Those guys have plenty of hookup opportunities, and the women have the mirage of being able to get any guy, just for some reason all these jerks only want sex, but somehow someday one will stick

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#199

Post by 4gotunameagain »

parliament32 wrote: post #59

My anecdotal user-end data-science-ish story about dating apps: A few years back I was single and on Hinge a fair amount. If you used Hinge back then, you'll remember some key differences between the platform and other dating apps: 1) when you "like"'d someone, you'd have to comment on a specific part of their profile (a photo, a prompt answer, etc), 2) these likes showed up in their inbox, independent of whether the…

Funny, thank you for sharing. I wonder what the relationship with girl's age is.

I would imagine there are huge differences between let's say 20,25,30 and 35+.

Did you happen to group by age bucket ?!

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