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Do not try to be the smartest in the room; try to be the kindest

jorgegalindo.me

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Re: Do not try to be the smartest in the room; try to be the kindest

#191

Post by BeetleB »

mgh2 wrote: post #187
ffsm8 wrote: post #170

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think you're misunderstanding the point they were making. The given example for nice > nice would be to let the person working for you continue to perform poorly without feedback, being "nice" to them, but privately considering them incompetent. Is actually being hypocritical, not nice. The nice person would still tell the under performing person what's what, they'd just not be rude about it. You can also create a…

Most people are nice (convention, norm, culture, etc.) to conform to a set of rules, being kind is the exception to the rule.

Yet another faulty categorization and coopting - this time of both words.

Kind is only the exception to the norm if you're in a crappy culture. In some places the ethic is such that kindness is the norm.

Re: Do not try to be the smartest in the room; try to be the kindest

#192

Post by zackmorris »

doubloon wrote: post #167

"Being nice is the new punk" yes, this is a huge adjustment for me as old Gen X trying to work with Gen Z / Millenials. I feel like Michael Scott sometimes to be honest... raised in an environment where bigoted jokes, brutal insults, shouting, were the norm and expected, adjusting to being around the new generation which was raised on anti-bullying and therapy. I am glad things are changing, the old ways were very dy…

Glad to see that kindness is finally going viral.

I'm Gen X, raised feral like the rest. Movies like The Lost Boys, The Goonies and Explorers feel like biographies. We were vicious to one another before the arrival of political correctness in the early 90s, which received backlash like today's woke. But kindness is always on the right side of history.

I agree though about feeling like some kind of crass around young people today. I have a hard time staying domesticated as I watch society crumble under the guise of gentrification. I just want to act out so badly sometimes, deface something, watch it all burn like the good old days, SLC Punk style. But the real punk is to be ruthlessly human to one another.

There's a certain thrill in sacrificing one's ego to help someone achieve their dreams that just can't be replaced. The biggest baddasses are teachers, nurses, your mom, and everyone knows it.

Re: Do not try to be the smartest in the room; try to be the kindest

#193

Post by NickC25 »

Disagree with the title.

What one should try to avoid being, is a dick. Help people improve. Point out their weaknesses and how they can improve, but get your ducks in a row beforehand - don't be a hypocrite. He who lives in a glass house and all that....

Have empathy, and understand your surroundings, as well as reading the room with context. Be direct with people, don't waste their time, but don't be rude or crass with them. Pleases and thank you's.

If someone is falling behind at work, talk to them and understand why - don't just fire them (perhaps something outside of work that is serious is weighing them down - if that is the case tread with caution, and don't be so quick to make a decision that could cost you or your organization socially or fiscally down the road). If you must cut ties with someone, make sure you do so in a direct, honest and respectful way. If YOU were to be fired, how would you like to be treated? There's your baseline.

Don't act like an HR drone trying to use flowery language around everyone. Be respectful of everyone as well as their time, and have a baseline level of professionalism that is applied to EVERYONE regardless if they are above or below you on the org chart. Every organization I've worked in, everyone from the janitor to the CEO got a "good morning" and a "yes sir/no sir" on a daily basis. Respect in life is earned, but there's a baseline of where it should be a given. Treat people with dignity.

Re: Do not try to be the smartest in the room; try to be the kindest

#194

Post by atmavatar »

mydriasis wrote: post #6

Work is hard and stressful. If we're sweet and kind to one-another, we get through it more easily, no matter how smart each of us is individually. Being kind is an investment, and its dividends pay out enormously as your organization grows. Like the article says, it's infectious. I believe that. I believe that if I show kindness, especially to people who are new to the organization, they'll mirror it right back, and…

You have to be careful, though: there is no shortage of people who will happily take advantage of someone who shows them kindness.

While I believe you should show a baseline level of kindness to people when you first meet them much like you should give people a baseline level of respect, there are actions which can and should lose both.

Re: Do not try to be the smartest in the room; try to be the kindest

#195

Post by ekanes »

derefr wrote: post #154
codelikeawolf wrote: post #59

Ever since that back and forth about "East Coast being kind vs West Coast being nice" thing a while back[1], I think it's important to distinguish the two. Because they are noticeably different (at least to me) and shouldn't be used interchangeably. I want someone to be kind to me in a meeting. I think niceness could seriously inhibit progress. A kind person will tell me that an idea I have won't work, but they'll of…

Which of the two would say nothing in the public meeting to let you save face, but then would pull you aside for a "quick chat" afterward, and tell you your idea is bad then?

The one who is both nice and kind. :P

Re: Do not try to be the smartest in the room; try to be the kindest

#196

Post by farmeroy »

therobots927 wrote: post #71

I definitely agree with this article. I’m at the stage of my career where my primary limiting factor is my inability to tolerate situations where it’s clear co-workers aren’t pulling their weight, don’t have the same philosophy I have about a project, or when they disagree about how to implement a solution. And nothing makes me angrier than when the tech lead or director in charge is clueless, which happens more ofte…

I feel like I am struggling with the same thing in my current role and point in my career. On one hand, I feel like I just need to come to terms with the fact that different people have different standards. On the other hand, I just desperately want to work with people who hold themselves to high standards and also get stuff done. In the meantime, I'm finding I'm running out of kindness. I often wonder if it's just me thinking I know more than I do and everything is always this way, that some people just don't care about what they produce and how, or if there teams out there who _do_ care and I just need to find one of those

Re: Do not try to be the smartest in the room; try to be the kindest

#197

Post by navane »

lotsofpulp wrote: post #113
Kye wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is real. When the car broke down in a turn lane in the rain: lots of honking behind me When the hazard lights came on: honking stopped, people materialized to help push it back out of the road

I don’t understand the relevance of this example. Without the hazard light, there’s a 99% chance the person is simply looking at their phone, needlessly delaying everyone else, hence the honking to alert them to move. What else is another driver supposed to do? A hazard light means there is a problem that can’t be solved with honking.

Nice people wouldn't honk at the stationary car without it's hazards on.

Re: Do not try to be the smartest in the room; try to be the kindest

#198

Post by WarOnPrivacy »

brudgers wrote: post #184
WarOnPrivacy wrote: post #180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Ever since that back and forth about "East Coast being kind vs West Coast being nice" thing a while back Missed the thing but what a front-loaded mess. What we want to say is Nice sucks, be kind. The rest feels unhelpful. Kinder to state the principle and let folks chew on it.

A person can be both...though that might just be skilled kindness.

You're right. Doubly so because either-or scenarios are usually false choices.

The pithiness works in presentation but past that...

Re: Do not try to be the smartest in the room; try to be the kindest

#199

Post by delichon »

seneca wrote: post #105
delichon wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Tough love" is kind but not nice. There doesn't seem to be a good phrase for the opposite in English but there should be.

The book Radical Candor calls the opposite "ruinous empathy".

Feeding my dog as much as ...

  tough love: I think she needs.
  ruinous empathy: she thinks she needs.

Re: Do not try to be the smartest in the room; try to be the kindest

#200

Post by farmeroy »

I really disagree with the quote at the end `just a few people are going to miss the smartest in the room, but everyone is going to miss someone kind.` This is true if the smartest person in the room is a jerk, but I don't find that to often be the case. In every group I've worked in, the smartest, most talented people are often _also_ confident in their abilities to the point where they don't have to _prove_ it to anyone. They help the team succeed. The people I am never sorry to see go are the insecure people with a chip on their shoulder who constantly try to prove that they are the smartest, most talented person in the room. They often are not.

The kind or nice person, sure if they are some kind of glue to the team that helps the entire group work together, they don't need to be the highest performers. But incompetent nice people also are a problem.

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