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The Never Married, a New Normal

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Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#191

Post by runarberg »

orangepurple wrote: post #160
adam_arthur wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why commingle finances at all? A large percentage of divorces are due to financial disagreements... joint accounts have proven to be a failed model at scale. If you want to share money, have separate accounts and transfer money between them as needed/on a schedule. No room for impropriety/mistrust. Everybody has autonomy. If we choose to be realistic, rather than idealistic, we would recognize that a large percentage…

> Yet people with kids get divorced all the time anyway. This ruins the child

A child of a single parent here (a bastard if you will). No it does not.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#192

Post by lvl102 »

I know this is a touchy subject but I hate the fact that I am married. If it works out you’re golden but if it doesn’t then it’s going to be a constant source of depression for the rest of your life.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#194

Post by lapcat »

ameminator wrote: post #90
throwaway1492 wrote: post #49

I’ll risk it and defend marriage to this crowd. To me getting married was about getting out of myself. As someone who got married later in life, I’d spent decades living only for myself, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Relationships were shallow and lasted only so long as convenient. By choosing to get married and intentional build a family, I knew I was sacrificing a lot of ego and choosing to give…

I can sacrifice my ego through meditation and acts of charity/volunteer work. No need to risk half of my current assets and future income on the whims of some potentially capricious other person, who probably doesn't like me very much anyways. Good luck to you, however.

> who probably doesn't like me very much anyways

This feels like a straw man, or straw woman, as the case may be. Why would you even consider marrying someone who probably doesn't like you very much? And why would they consider marrying you?

(He says, fresh off watching the finale of Succession.)

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#195

Post by Nursie »

orangepurple wrote: post #160
adam_arthur wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why commingle finances at all? A large percentage of divorces are due to financial disagreements... joint accounts have proven to be a failed model at scale. If you want to share money, have separate accounts and transfer money between them as needed/on a schedule. No room for impropriety/mistrust. Everybody has autonomy. If we choose to be realistic, rather than idealistic, we would recognize that a large percentage…

> Yet people with kids get divorced all the time anyway. This ruins the child

There is some evidence that kids do better in aggregate in stable two parent homes. There is no evidence I'm aware of that kids do better in homes where their parents would have divorced but are compelled to stay together by social mores or legal compulsion and now hate each other.

This is the problem with all these "marriage is best for the children" pieces that get published. They don't (can't?) look at situations that show what would happen if their agenda, to force people to stay married, was actually carried out. They can only see that a stable household under existing conditions has good outcomes. That's hardly a surprise. The question is whether a child in an unstable household gets a better outcome with that specific household staying together 'for the children', and my guess there would be no.

I know some successful 'ruined' children who would probably take issue with your summation there too.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#196

Post by xupybd »

I'm married with one child and another on the way. Raising children seems to require both of us to work together closely. We pool all our recourses to provide for our children. I work to provide financially but that wouldn't be possible without my wife at home with our very needy 8 month old.

The contract of marriage makes this easier than I imagine it would be without it.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#197

Post by JenrHywy »

shadowgovt wrote: post #130
emodendroket wrote: post #127

> Cohabitation has become a popular alternative; living together is a less complicated relationship model that comes with an easy escape hatch (compared with marriage) if the relationship fails This seems like a bit of a false promise... Once you commingle finances, own a house together, have children, and so on, there's no "easy escape hatch." Plus thinking of having an "easy escape hatch" probably does not do wonde…

Children? In this economy?

You are the last in an extremely long lineage of people who had children in circumstances far worse that the current economy.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#198

Post by Dalewyn »

emodendroket wrote: post #170
adam_arthur wrote: post #166

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Then they have their own account that you transfer $X/month into. If you can't agree as a couple on what each person should be spending, then the relationship is on bad footing to begin with.

I think this creates an uncomfortable/unequal situation for the non working partner as you’ve essentially set yourself up as an authority figure over them rather than an equal.

Freedom is equivalent to responsibility.

If you offload your responsibility of paying your expenses upon another, you surrender that freedom to them.

If a couple wants equality, have separate finances and incomes and make agreements as to how any financial matters that must be handled together should be handled.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#199

Post by stevekemp »

exabrial wrote: post #124

Fawk me. Nearly 40, hurts me in the feels. On the other hand… I’m for once a trend setter.

I'm married, but I live in a separate house to my wife. I've started to see others in similar situations and apparently it's a trend these days.

"Living Apart Together", or "LAT":

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Living_apart_together

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#200

Post by shadowgovt »

nine_k wrote: post #172
shadowgovt wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Children? In this economy?

No. Children, in your one and only life which is going to end soon enough. Economy will never be perfect.

My parents' generation could raise two kids on one full time job. No way I'd try raising even one on a single income any more. So my wife and I can have a much nicer quality of life with zero kids.
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