First, thank you for sharing.
Second, please don't play your life on hard mode, utilize the resources the humanity has for getting out of this hole:
* Therapists are walking knowledge bases which have studied all the ways people are driven into awful states, and can help you understand both why you got there, how you got there, and where you need to go to get out of there faster.
Not using therapy = wasting time on reinventing the wheel to arrive at the same answers by trial and error years later.
* Coaching augments therapy by helping you set specific goals, and helping you get there. Therapy helps you understand what to do, coaching is about doing it.
* Psychiatry augments therapy by giving you access to tools beyond what you already use go get you into a state where you are able to actually do the changes in your life that are necessary to get out of the hole.
People use and abuse caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, sugar drinks, weed, etc. to cope with unbearable situations and/or get the kick to get going, often with detrimental health effects.
We can do better than that. Modern psychiatrist is 99% a potion expert, who can guide you to finding the right potion tailor-made for your specific type and state of mind.
Psychiatry alone won't solve your problems, just like getting a rifle isn't going to win the battle. You've got to actually use it. But having one helps a ton.
As humans, we are similar in many ways. The problems you just wrote about are shared and experienced by many among us, as are the solutions.
Going at it alone is like going into a battlefield before stopping by the armory and getting your mission briefing.
You may get out, but the statistical casualty rate indicates that it isn't a solid idea.
To that end, analogies:
* Therapy = strategic command
* Coaching = tactical planning
* Psychiatry = getting your kit
Or, if you are more fantasy inclined:
* Therapist = spell master
* Coach = swords master
* Physiatrist = potion master
Your job is one of your mental health battlefields. Going unarmed and unprepared when you're losing hit points is not going to help you beat the odds.
Personally, I can attest that I couldn't make the jump the OP did without all three backing me up.
The silver lining was that all three were provided as a part of the benefits package. For anyone in the same boat:
* Therapy was listed as "free counseling sessions"
* Taking time off to take SSRIs and let them kick into gear was under "short term disability"
These words are deliberately off-putting so that people are discouraged from getting what they pay for. In particular, short-term disability package is an insurance, and if you're at a point where your productivity drops, it applies.
It doesn't mean you are disabled. What it means is that whenever a doctor can vouch that your performance is negatively affected by health reasons, whether it's a broken leg or severe anxiety, to the point where you're struggling to meet expectations, the time off you take to get treatment is going to be reimbursed by the insurance you already paid for, up to three months in CA, and this can't be held against you.
That's to say, they can't use that as a reason to fire you.
Unlike whatever assignments you half-ass while being miserable and not getting help.
Reminder: for software engineering, most common mental health issues will generally fulfil the requirements necessary to get a short-term disability leave approved, as our work is mental work.
Note: looking for a different job during your leave is explicitly OK, so if you find yourself in OP's shoes, find a psychiatrist who will do the short-term disability paperwork. It's a simple, short form.
Note 2: y'all be thinking "it's not that bad" — it is that bad. I've been there, and I lied to myself too.
Do NOT let yourself get to the point where you're contemplating suicide, like OP, or having suicidal/self-harm ideation, like me (i.e. you don't have plans, but the idea starts to seem appealing). If you don't feel revulsion at the thought of suicide or self-harm, WAKE UP CALL: seek out ye potion master.
Here's another reframing that can help you get over the internalized stigma:
* Short-term disability leave = prepaid sabbatical
Remember, STD leave — if available — is an insurance that comes as a part of your benefits package, i.e. out of your compensation.
You not only deserve it, it benefits your employer for you to make use of it before it gets real bad. To them, it's fleet maintenance. Y'all are money-making vehicles, your brains are engines, so take time off to change that timing belt before it snaps and renders the entire machine unusable (and unprofitable).
Taking advantage of these resources is conspicuously missing from OP's account, so I hope this will be of use to others.
To the OP: you are out of the toxic quagmire, but the very same resources can significantly speed up recovery, increase your productivity and boost both your career and your utility to your employer.
If you aren't using these resources already, do that. If benefits don't offer them, online counseling like BetterHelp / Cerebral / etc. is an affordable out-of-pocket option.
And all those who aren't in the hole now: find out what resources are available now, before you need them. Burnout is very common in our field, so it's best to be prepared.
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It's dangerous to go alone, take these:
* Therapy/counseling = strategy
* Coaching = tactics
* Psychiatry = ammo
* STD leave = ceasefire
More so if you already paid for all of those as a part of comp.