> Don't smartphones... kind of suck?
No, not really, they take great photos, I can surf internet, send mesages, check my calendar etc. Though I was doing most of this already before Android/iOS on my Symbian/Java phones, "smartphones" just made the experience more pleasant.
> How many times have you had to replace a phone in the past 10 years?
Had to replace? 0. But I wanted to replace the phone (running 5th phone in 11 years, technically 6th but I gave the last phone to wife after few months and returned back to previous one because I couldn't stand the size), because I wanted better specs, better camera etc. Since smartphones reached certain level of performance I don't really have this need since my last phone bought in 2018. I wanna upgrade it already for like 2 years but there are no available compact options to upgrade really until recently (great camera, good battery, compact size).
> Do you have a drawer of random crap with a growing pile of phones, or have you tried to absolve some regret and taken a few trips to an e-waste "recycler"?
No, previous phones I donated to mother, now with older kids they will be inheriting my phones, though I still have "in drawer" 2 decent older phones in case current phone would break so I (or wife) can use something temporarily.
> The battery no longer holds a charge;
It holds still pretty well even after 4 years, can get me through the day, which is all I need. That's why you buy phone and take into consideration battery life deteroriation over 2-3 years, so you don't buy phone with crap capacity straight out of box (see Pixel 4A or Mi 9SE which I bought considered to buy).
> it gets way too hot;
No, I don't game.
> replacing a cracked screen costs more than just getting a new phone;
In 11 years I've never break my phone screen, neither did wife which use phone few years less and her poor phones take lot of beating, but we use tempered glass screen protectors.
> new updates are unbearably slow; updates stop altogether; support stops altogether.
I don't really care about any of these, if it works don't fix it. Why would I upgrade to new shiny Android version which peaked anyway around 7-8 and there is hardly anything useful introduced since then. Apps are still supported.
Btw. in 11 years I've never used official ROM, always only custom ROMs, mostly LineageOS, maybe 7+ years my phones don't have even gapps, luckily I don't use ride hailing apps or grocery delivery from phone (why would I use horrible small screen of phone instead mice and 32" display? and if your service doesn't have web version for PC it doesn't deserve my money), otherwise it could be a problem.