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Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

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Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#191

Post by cartoonworld »

meheleventyone wrote: post #182
sul_tasto wrote: post #166

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is excellent advice. I was 26, living alone in Chicago, and I was having a hard time making friends- let alone getting a date. I signed up to learn French at the Alliance Francaise - and I ended up meeting my wife. We’ve been happily married for 16 years. My assumption from the outside is that Tinder is a hookup site, and that you’re not going to meet anyone worth dating there anyway. I’d suggest volunteering wi…

Just as a counter point to hookups are bad I met my wife by randomly hooking up with her at a bar. Just because people are interested in finding people to have sex with doesn’t reduce their worth.

Hi & congrats! What you say is very true, but I would like to point out that you were following my advice. Bars are a classic social gathering and definitely work too. Bar activities include casual conversations, billiards, dart games, magic tricks (there are scads of tricks with cups and drinks) dancing, etc

Personally I avoid bars, but it is indeed fine when approached with appropriate caution (as would be rock climbing gyms, for example, which are a stellar choice btw)

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#192

Post by chaircher »

Listen mate. I had a tinder profile for a bit too. I would have looked like one of those well rounded people but my life was a mess. I learnt it was the same for most other people with tinder profiles.

When I finished school aged 16 (UK) there were kids who went and got well paying jobs at the local factories. The rest of us who stayed in education were well jealous of them - they were living life like proper adults with all the freedom and a good lifestyle, while we felt a bit trapped and stuck. As we got older we were scraping by on bar and care jobs to pay for rooms in a shared house to study etc while those kids who left aged 16 were getting a mortgage on a nice house and thinking about getting married and starting a family.

Except years later having pushed myself through education and up the career ladder as much as I could tolerate before taking the decision to plateau in a job for a bit, my lifestyle is a lot better than what I'd been jealous of, but those kids who had those jobs aged 16 are still doing the same job and looking a bit trapped.

This isn't a story about how to live your life or what the best career is. All of the paths me and my schoolmates took were valid. What I am trying to say that progress through life isn't linear, and we all end up going through these cycles of change-stagnation-change-stagnation at different rates to everyone around us.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#193

Post by pixel_tracing »

Hey OP. I don’t know you but I want to tell you I love you, I understand the feelings and pain. You are important so please don’t harm yourself. Things DO get better. Trust me on this, I had severe depression from late teens to early twenties, and things turned around after 24. I was also VERY late to the medication game, I was against anti depressants for the longest time because “didn’t want to mess with my brain,” I can’t tell you how wrong I was on that one.

I also did brain scans, therapy and hormone testing and found out I had low testosterone due to the stress I would put myself under, so I worked with my doctor (had to find the right one who I trusted and was competent in these matters), and we got a plan to improve my levels.

I did it all on my own and life turned around 180. I got everything I wanted, which if you’re anything like me is probably also what you want too.

Trust me you can do this OP, just hang in there.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#194

Post by brailsafe »

ljf wrote: post #152
brailsafe wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One of the tricky things about this from my own perspective, after having stopped giving a shit about web dev and to a lesser extent programming, is how do you continue to give enough of a shit to actually do a job? It's almost all worthless trash advertising or pointless middlemen products. How do you rebuild after realizing that it's just not worth the intense energy it sometimes requires?

It isn't as easy as it sounds I know, but find a job you love. What passions do you have in life? Where can you work that will scratch at least a tiny part of that itch? I had a friend who hatred coding again, but got a job doing we dev for a vegan charity and that was it, he was back in the room since animal welfare was a major passion of his. Find what it is you love (or at least like) and a job that will give you…

I like the advice. Thanks

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#195

Post by friehe »

zd123 wrote: post #190
f6v wrote: post #178

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m going to argue that Tinder just highlights your issues. If you don’t dress well, don’t work out and aren’t confident enough to approach any woman, you’ll probably suck at real-life dating too.

Imho this is not true at all. The underlying assumption in your argument is that Tinder provides an accurate assessment of your issues, which is not true. Tinder dating success reflects a heavily skewed dating market that focuses on shallow metrics, such as how photogenic you are. There was a study done by one of the large dating sites that showed 20% of male profiles get 80% of the matches. Now, this skewed proporti…

And not getting matches on tinder doesn't necessarily mean you aren't photogenic. When I used it I didn't get many matches either. Later I went on a trip and swiped through Tinder out of boredom, I suddenly got a lot of matches. Not very helpful because I went back home the next day. I think it's important to remember that Tinder varies the "exposure" you get by a lot, for seemingly arbitrary reasons.

@OP Easier said than done, but try not to make too much out of this. I think the recommendation for doing some activities with others is a good idea.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#196

Post by GeoAtreides »

DistressedDrone wrote: post #129

It's literally a therapist's job to help you figure this out, I don't want to undermine this. Please speak to a professional, you are not alone. In the meantime, here are some of my own "no bullshit mantras" I found comforting in similar times, mostly from Zen Bhuddism : * You are not supposed to be anywhere. Your only real obligation is to be you, now. * There is no "better" version of you now. There is no other way…

> There is no "better" version of you now.

I mean, if someone is fat and unhealthy, then sure is a better version of them. If someone has wishes, goals and plans for themselves, then there is a better version of them, when they achieved everything they wanted.

If it's not, then why try to improve yourself? If you are the best you ever were, then why try to reach for a higher purpose?

As an eastern European, this kind of saccharine mantras feel like self defeating, toxic positivity, ambitionless kind of things. The western people do like them, for some reason.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#197

Post by smitty1e »

One possible model is to view existence as a 3-dimensional space of body, mind and soul.

Your AskHN hints at a crisis of the soul. Recognize this. Specifically, this is not a crisis that any sex or drugs or rock'n'roll can address (more than temporarily).

Nor is it really an intellectual question, though you've come to an intellectual venue. If philosophy could quench this (all too frequent) thirst, that beverage would have long since arrived.

I can only offer you what worked for me, the Gospel. Read it prayerfully and carefully, for its counter-intuitive saga is the meaning of life, and is capable of delivering meaning to you.

Best wishes to you in dealing with everything.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#198

Post by ttonkytonk »

You've only "lost in life" upon the nihilistic assumption that this life is all there is. I remember maybe 12 years ago eharmony basically telling me "sorry but we can't help you", rejecting me from their platform after doing the questionnaire.

Judging from Bill Bryson's A Short History of Everything, social ineptness is often a necessary condition for exeptional scientists, etc. We badly need a coherent understanding of life. We have the means to propagate it.

As for me, if I had a "poke of egress" laying around, I might be getting inert myself, but as those are as scarce as meaningful social connections, I reckon I'll have to see things through.

I remember significant personal events occurring in my mid-twenties that radically changed my outlook (perhaps for the better).

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#199

Post by strgcmc »

GeoAtreides wrote: post #196
DistressedDrone wrote: post #129

It's literally a therapist's job to help you figure this out, I don't want to undermine this. Please speak to a professional, you are not alone. In the meantime, here are some of my own "no bullshit mantras" I found comforting in similar times, mostly from Zen Bhuddism : * You are not supposed to be anywhere. Your only real obligation is to be you, now. * There is no "better" version of you now. There is no other way…

> There is no "better" version of you now. I mean, if someone is fat and unhealthy, then sure is a better version of them. If someone has wishes, goals and plans for themselves, then there is a better version of them, when they achieved everything they wanted. If it's not, then why try to improve yourself? If you are the best you ever were, then why try to reach for a higher purpose? As an eastern European, this kind…

Not the person you're replying to, but I wanted to offer a perspective that might bridge what you see as a gap in philosophies.

The "future you", the one that is healthier (i.e. literally from a medical perspective, not just perception), can only exist if you make choices today that enable progress towards that future state. In other words, the current you, the unhealthy you, already contains the seed of what is necessary to become the future you. Perhaps all you need is a conducive environment, so you can blossom; a seed requires water and fertile soil, but the seed is the one doing the work. You might need to find some water (most metaphorically, but sometimes literally: lots of people are just dehydrated and it contributes to low energy or lethargy), or a different soil to plant yourself in (different city, different job, different friends, etc.), but it is you who does the work to allow yourself to germinate, to bloom.

The point of thinking like this, is to avoid disassociating the future you, to avoid thinking of that person as somehow different from or "other-than" your current you. People already get discouraged enough by looking at the glossy and fake Instagram influencers around them; what a tragedy it would be to let your present self get discouraged by your future self!

You are already that person. You are already worthy.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#200

Post by a3n »

uchiga wrote: post #96
a3n wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No point to make, just responding ... I had to quit Facebook, it amplified my depression. I met my first wife IRL, in high school. I met my second wife IRL, in a language class. She was the teacher.

Second wife in school?

Yeah, I was in my 30s. Private language school.
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