When I was in high school I was deeply afraid of death and thought about it daily. Then a few times over that period I got sick. Not unusually, or deathly sick, but feeling like utter garbage and perhaps enough to wonder if there was a very remote chance that the illness could threaten my life. And everytime I wondered that I realized that I had no fear of death which struck me as really odd given that I would otherw…
When I was younger, I was like you describe. I'd lay awake nights kinda freaked out that I would die some day. I remember looking up life expectancy and comforting myself that I had more than 75% or whatever left. When that wasn't enough, I'd think about how far away I was from graduation, and how, even after that, I'd have whatever-percent left. I knew it didn't work that way, and it was irrational, but it helped me…
I also had a combination of a vasovagal episode and a panic attack, and it has taken years to mostly get over the resulting panic disorder. (It wasn’t helped by the fact that, during one trip to the ER for panic, a nurse performed an EKG incorrectly and I was misdiagnosed with a heart condition and admitted to the cardiac ward for the night. I still can’t believe that one.)
Being sick makes me panicky too. I have a host of coping techniques and it seems to get easier each year, but it still sucks. Having to mentally navigate the current pandemic seems to be adding some resilience, at least.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. It helped to read it. Best of luck.