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The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

happiness.hks.harvard.edu

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Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#181

Post by chasd00 »

xiande04 wrote: post #150
mikemcquaid wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have 2 young kids, run a widely used open source project and a startup, eat dinner with my kids 6/7 nights a week and do this. Here’s some ways how: My best friend comes over once a weekend and we watch the TV that my wife doesn’t want to. I participate in a sport (powerlifting) where I’ve made friends and there’s room to socialise while exercising. I chose to move back to my home town and also go to college there.…

You just said all the things that you do while raising kids. What is it that you are doing differently that allows you to do all those things? Is it simply just a matter of hiring a cleaner? Because otherwise, as the father of a 1 and 5 year old, I completely agree with OP and find your story unbelievable. Like OP I work/exercise/do chores from 6 am to 10 pm. I'm on HN right now only because it's Saturday and I'm rel…

Young kids are a different story but that doesn’t last forever. My kids are older, 13 and 15, and there’s a lot more time for personal interests and friends. Also, as kids get older you begin to have mutual interests. I’m watching/helping my 15 year old play an Indiana Jones game on his ps5 while typing this and have no desire to do anything else.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#182

Post by mikemcquaid »

xiande04 wrote: post #150
mikemcquaid wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have 2 young kids, run a widely used open source project and a startup, eat dinner with my kids 6/7 nights a week and do this. Here’s some ways how: My best friend comes over once a weekend and we watch the TV that my wife doesn’t want to. I participate in a sport (powerlifting) where I’ve made friends and there’s room to socialise while exercising. I chose to move back to my home town and also go to college there.…

You just said all the things that you do while raising kids. What is it that you are doing differently that allows you to do all those things? Is it simply just a matter of hiring a cleaner? Because otherwise, as the father of a 1 and 5 year old, I completely agree with OP and find your story unbelievable. Like OP I work/exercise/do chores from 6 am to 10 pm. I'm on HN right now only because it's Saturday and I'm rel…

You’re on HN because it’s Saturday and you’re relaxing. I’m in an Uber to go see some gym friends because my kids are in the bath and almost ready for bed. Another night this week: I’ll do the same for my wife.

Zero judgment here, genuinely, but: I keep hearing people say my life is impossible and it doesn’t seem like it.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#183

Post by mikemcquaid »

Aurornis wrote: post #164
xiande04 wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You just said all the things that you do while raising kids. What is it that you are doing differently that allows you to do all those things? Is it simply just a matter of hiring a cleaner? Because otherwise, as the father of a 1 and 5 year old, I completely agree with OP and find your story unbelievable. Like OP I work/exercise/do chores from 6 am to 10 pm. I'm on HN right now only because it's Saturday and I'm rel…

I have kids in similar ages and I also find time with friends. Even on some weekdays. > Like OP I work/exercise/do chores from 6 am to 10 pm. I hear this a lot, but let’s be honest: You don’t need to exercise and do chores every single day for the entire time outside of work, do you? Would it be the end of the world if you met up with a friend one night instead of going to the gym? Could you invite a friend to the gy…

Make friends with people at the gym. Kills two birds with one stone.

Is this great for everyone? Nope. Is it better than having no friends? Probably.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#184

Post by mikemcquaid »

h2zizzle wrote: post #129
mikemcquaid wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have 2 young kids, run a widely used open source project and a startup, eat dinner with my kids 6/7 nights a week and do this. Here’s some ways how: My best friend comes over once a weekend and we watch the TV that my wife doesn’t want to. I participate in a sport (powerlifting) where I’ve made friends and there’s room to socialise while exercising. I chose to move back to my home town and also go to college there.…

>We pay for a cleaner. Buried lede.

£3.2k a year here. Most people on HN have tech jobs. I don’t drink coffee. I barely drink alcohol. I’ve never bought a new car. Again: it’s probably possible for many people here but some people prefer to convince themselves it’s impossible. Learned helplessness.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#185

Post by mikemcquaid »

api wrote: post #83
mikemcquaid wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have 2 young kids, run a widely used open source project and a startup, eat dinner with my kids 6/7 nights a week and do this. Here’s some ways how: My best friend comes over once a weekend and we watch the TV that my wife doesn’t want to. I participate in a sport (powerlifting) where I’ve made friends and there’s room to socialise while exercising. I chose to move back to my home town and also go to college there.…

If you moved from a high cost of living city back to your home town, how much did that have to do with it? In HCOL cities the crazy rent or mortgage costs keep everyone running and cut into discretionary funds for assistance.

I live in Scotland. HCOL here is not very H, despite living in the most expensive city.

Part of the reason I don’t live in America is I see a lot of people on salaries 2-4x mine who seem to be unable to have time to see their friends.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#186

Post by chasd00 »

codr7 wrote: post #178
oddthink wrote: post #136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I mean, I could walk down to a bar at 10pm, if I wanted to. I live in a city. But if I'm getting up at 6:30, I don't think I want a pint let alone three that late. Plus, I'd still have two kids up, asking me to extend the wifi because they're not done with English yet or to help scan a page for math. I'm not going to just leave that to my partner. Even the more traditional pint-after-work would leave me coming home t…

When did staying at home and taking care of house/children become such a terrible punishment?

True, if your family is such a burden maybe you should focus on making better choices. Probably better off turning the kids over to the state vs forcing them to through 18 whole years and a childhood suffering your resentment.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#187

Post by astura »

api wrote: post #81
oddthink wrote: post #56

I don't really get where people with kids found these 6.5 hrs / wk to spend on friendships, or even the quoted current averages of 4 hrs / wk. On a workday, there isn't much time. I roll out of bed at 6:30, get the kids up and fed breakfast and out the door. I finally get actually working at 8:30-9:30, depending on if I exercise or not. Stop work in the 5:30-6 range, switch into making dinner, getting kids to eat din…

There were more kids around, which meant there were more kids for your kids to play with instead of hanging on you and more parents in the same boat to form a support network. It’s one of the problems with birth rate collapse. The fewer people have kids, the harder it is in very hard to measure ways.

This doesn't make sense, the population has only increased.

Quick Google tells me 40 years ago, in 1985, there was 62.6 million children in the US. In 2025 there are 74.7 million. That is more children in 2025 than 1985.

Parents not allowing their children to play independently isn't due to lack of other children, it's a choice.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#188

Post by mikemcquaid »

jjulius wrote: post #151
xiande04 wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You just said all the things that you do while raising kids. What is it that you are doing differently that allows you to do all those things? Is it simply just a matter of hiring a cleaner? Because otherwise, as the father of a 1 and 5 year old, I completely agree with OP and find your story unbelievable. Like OP I work/exercise/do chores from 6 am to 10 pm. I'm on HN right now only because it's Saturday and I'm rel…

I'm similar to the person you are directly applying to. I also have a 5 and 3yo. Unlike the first OP, I don't get involved with the PTA and we don't really email with the school at all. I don't understand the emailing constantly with school thing, but to each their own and I'm sure there's a valid reason for those that do. We, like the person you're replying to, also pay for a cleaner, but that's for deep cleaning an…

Good on you. Sounds like we have mostly made the same choices. It’s possible, even if some folks like to convince themselves it’s not.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#189

Post by tycho-newman »

heresie-dabord wrote: post #166
tycho-newman wrote: post #102

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Altruism, trust, and cooperation often emerge from acts and choices that seem completely self-interested. Heck, cooperation is a survival strategy that came out of evolution. It exists outside of humans. It doesn’t need to come from human intent. It feels weird to me that people think they can intelligently design cooperative societies and groups. You can try, but there’s always going to be trade offs between individ…

> In this moment, individuals are in a place where they can avoid many of those trade offs and costs. This sounds like what some call the Libertarian Housecat position. "My needs are met, and I am unaware of complex externalities that make meeting my needs possible."

Indeed. For me, being aware of those complexities is what gives me hope that there’s a new emerging paradigm.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#190

Post by 1123581321 »

xiande04 wrote: post #150
mikemcquaid wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have 2 young kids, run a widely used open source project and a startup, eat dinner with my kids 6/7 nights a week and do this. Here’s some ways how: My best friend comes over once a weekend and we watch the TV that my wife doesn’t want to. I participate in a sport (powerlifting) where I’ve made friends and there’s room to socialise while exercising. I chose to move back to my home town and also go to college there.…

You just said all the things that you do while raising kids. What is it that you are doing differently that allows you to do all those things? Is it simply just a matter of hiring a cleaner? Because otherwise, as the father of a 1 and 5 year old, I completely agree with OP and find your story unbelievable. Like OP I work/exercise/do chores from 6 am to 10 pm. I'm on HN right now only because it's Saturday and I'm rel…

You’re working too much and/or misorganized at home. Happens to many people. Unless you’re a single parent you can make a plan this weekend to at least alternate the days when someone has to do chores nonstop after work. I have kids those same ages.
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