Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

The year I didn't survive

bessstillman.substack.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

181–190 of 276 posts

Re: The year I didn't survive

#181

Post by nuancebydefault »

miningape wrote: post #126
fallous wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, one of the things that often gets overlooked about aging is that if you live long enough everyone you knew, and knew you, from certain eras of your life are gone... and that tends to make your life more ephemeral. Even the settings of your life are slowly removed, be it the house you grew up in, schools you attended, parks and other areas you played in with friends, businesses, styles, products, and technologies…

As a youngest child by about 15 years it kinda hurts knowing that likely I'll be the one attending everyone else's funerals.

It is likely, but life has very strange ways.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#182

Post by throwcatowayne »

jajko wrote: post #68
throwcatowayne wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Jeez, this resonates with me so much. In 2019 I was constantly on the upswing. But in 2020, it's been an intensely downward spiral since. I was under so much stress from a 60hr/wk job, isolated during covid with a partner who turned physically abusive and having constant mental breakdowns, on top of trying to endure it all for a once in a lifetime housing opportunity, and then both of my parents ended up hospitalized…

Sorry to hear that, really sorry. One thing I dont get with similar stories - you felt things are seemingly going to shit in relationship yet no reaction, no quitting but maybe even double down? Abusive people will be abusive with no easy fix in sight, sucking it up for some real estate opportunity is a sure recipe for disaster and misery and no money gained will ever compensate for that. Thats one of 101 of life, th…

> you felt things are seemingly going to shit in relationship yet no reaction, no quitting but maybe even double down? Abusive people will be abusive with no easy fix in sight

I loved them so much that constantly fighting and being abused was still better than their absence now. I believed we would both turn things around, but it only got worse every few months. Being in this situation felt like a 90/100 misery scale, that I couldn't bear, and leaving would be asking me to volunteer for 95/100

> Same for work it seems, working on edge of what you can handle means any little bad thing happening on top can send you over and down the spiral of breakdown.

Also thought it would be temporary and not do permanent damage. In the midst of crisis, I'm thinking "just get through this month, it will get better" and then before you know it years have went by and all those months accumulated their toll

Re: The year I didn't survive

#184

Post by froh »

CobaltFire wrote: post #13

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…

thank you for sharing. what you describe is akin to what other survivors of utter helplessness describe. usually we think of "trauma" as surviving naked angst, fear for our life or health, uncontrollable horrific events. and that's also in classic medical definitions. but we're slowly learning how many existential crises of utter helplessness, also proxy-helplessness for a dear loved one, can put our brains into a out-of-place state. If that resonates somehow, the good news is that there are exercises, guided approaches to help the brain reconfigure back into the original state of empowerment and optimism. "Somatic experiencing" is one of them, emdr another one (in the hands of an experienced and trained trauma certified clinician), and there are some more. long story short: there are paths forward.

I apologize if I overshared, hth.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#186

Post by codemixture »

Trollmann wrote: post #69
tasuki wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Grieving while being a new mom must be brutal. As always, yes and no. I'm a single father, my partner died when our daughter was 1.5 years old. A baby requires constant attention and care, so I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing. That said, I quite miss the abundant free time I used to have in my other life. Nowadays is constant battle about the littlest thin…

> I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing Don't know if this was your intention but this comes across as if having a depression was a choice, which it rarely is with any kind of illness.

No, it's rarely a choice, but having people (or even pets!) that depend on you is literally life-saving for many.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#187

Post by trogdor »

smackeyacky wrote: post #136
homefree wrote: post #11

The other posts on her substack are also worth reading (and the earlier ones from his perspective) - I read through a bunch of them last August when one was posted. A tragic story well told, something that waits for all of us.

The only measure for love is loss

I don’t understand that at all. Would you explain what you mean?

Re: The year I didn't survive

#189

Post by notwhereyouare »

giancarlostoro wrote: post #179
Balgair wrote: post #178

We had a similar thing happen to us in COIVD. My child was born and a few weeks later, my FiL died. We were the primary caretakers for both as one came into the world and one went out. One thing I will suggest is a death doula. Birth doulas are very good if you can afford them and worth the money, at least ours was. I really wish we'd gotten a death doula too, to help out with all the dumb things about dying. The pap…

> One thing I will suggest is a death doula. My in-laws already prepaid for their funeral burial and arrangement and my wife's, and his own fathers as well. So when it all happened, it as a lot less stress. It was still emotional, but everything was handled ahead of time. It might seem morbid to think about, but if you can preplan your funeral arrangements so your loved ones don't have to, it's definitely one of the…

something of note though, if it's with a specific funeral home, plan to follow up with them yearly to make sure they are still around. Dad found that out the hard way when his mom passed. He called up the funeral home and the number was disconnected.

He had to scramble NYE to find somebody to take the body and then scramble and replan everything because the funeral home had been investigated by the state after a fire and was no longer operational

Re: The year I didn't survive

#190

Post by _DeadFred_ »

Balgair wrote: post #178

We had a similar thing happen to us in COIVD. My child was born and a few weeks later, my FiL died. We were the primary caretakers for both as one came into the world and one went out. One thing I will suggest is a death doula. Birth doulas are very good if you can afford them and worth the money, at least ours was. I really wish we'd gotten a death doula too, to help out with all the dumb things about dying. The pap…

Thank you for sharing your story. As someone who's trying to get over my mom's passing (and not getting far) it helps so much to hear others. It wasn't until I entered the 'dead parents club' that others told me 'you never go over losing them'. Why is that some secret to bare after the fact? All my friends say 'just do some counseling'.
Post reply on HN