Me and ADHD

I'm currently on a rather high daily dosage of Medikinet CR (2x30mg + another 1x20mg on long days if anyone's curious). It works but too inconsistently. It's also rather expensive here in the Netherlands.

Both have an impact on cardiovascular health, but my impression is that Ritalin and the like are much safer than what people self-medicate with.

That's a good dividing line between 'actual pathology' as you say and normal experiences.

I always felt like something was wrong with me. From childhood, I was different. Never could put my finger on it, but a lifetime of experiences gave me some intuition that I was different, in a bad way, and that was just my lot in life. Fast forward to my early thirties, and after being fired from every job I'd ever had I reached rock bottom. I was a 'gifted' student, elite engineering degree and a law degree, but just consistently failed to live up to my potential. I finally dragged myself in to a therapist's office because I had intense and intrusive suicidal thoughts nearly all day every day for months. I didn't want to kill myself, I had a lot to live for, but some part of my subconscious was absolutely fed up and done. I never once thought that I was someone who could have ADHD. I was bright, I had a decent academic record, and I had gotten several high paying jobs. ADHD was about jittery kids or losers working menial jobs, not me. By the end of my first session, as my therapist would later reveal, he knew I had ADHD. It took some time for me to accept it. But once I did, and got on board with treatment including medication and regular therapy, my life changed. It made so much sense in retrospect. I did have a good academic record, but that's only because I could hyperfocus and ace exams - I never did homework on a regular basis from grade school through grad school. I wanted to, but never did. I did get high paying jobs, but would wind up being fired a year or two later because getting a job is exciting, keeping a job and, you know, doing a job, is boring. At least to a part of my ADHD brain it is. Everyone experienced boredom, but how many people let that boredom get them to a point of being unemployed when they have a wife and children to support? It's not a choice.

Frankly, I'm lucky that I happened to meet the right therapist at the right time that recognized the ADHD that was causing so much turmoil in my life, and I am forever grateful because I truly believe that without realizing it was ADHD and treating it, my children would have lost a father. ADHD is real, and it's serious. I ask you and everyone reading this who doubts ADHD is real to please try to find some empathy.

I've been toying with the notion that I may be having an undiagnosed ADHD for a while now (I've noticed that about 70% of the stuff in any ADHD thread on HN, like this here, tends to reflect my life or at least resonate with me...). I became more confident of that when, at one point recently, I realized - hey, I'm drinking some 10+ cups of black tea every day, and I did that since being single-digit years old. Turns out I may have been unconsciously self-medicating for as long as I remember.

BTW. I suffered from the same type of spiral you described in the past. I've managed to mostly overcome it for now, though I took it from the other end - I've manged to minimize "feeling bad about myself for not completing work that I was generally more than capable of doing", to the point of preventing the positive feedback loop. I wish I could do something about the focus part, though.

Fast, driving, intense techno of some sort is a game changer for me in terms of focus. Not a replacement for medication, but a useful tool with or without.

I also find bright, flashing lights useful for focus. Think those cheap led bulbs which a prism and motor. I think expensive night club versions would be better, but I’m not willing to drop $100s to find out.

I think I might just need stimulation in all forms - visual, audible, physical, chemical - to be at my best.

Anyone else experience that?