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‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

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Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#181

Post by apohn »

rayiner wrote: post #130
simonsarris wrote: post #11

"We should be more honest about the real tradeoffs between endless wanderlust/adventure-seeking and putting down real roots. The things that make for a great instagram feed or Bumble profile are very different from those of permanence that help us live well." (Friend's comment on article) Polly's reply is so shameless (including promoting her own book in the reply) that it's incredible just how badly it missed the po…

I agree that this is bad advice. I'm 35. I've got a wife, two kids, and a weird house with tons of maintenance projects. My parents live five minutes away, and I spend most weekends at Home Depot or hanging out in my parents' living room with the kids. I work too much and don't sleep enough. And I'm blissfully happy. I say this is bad advice not because I think what makes me happy will make everyone happy. I know lot…

>I agree that this is bad advice. I'm 35. I've got a wife, two kids, and a weird house with tons of maintenance projects. My parents live five minutes away, and I spend most weekends at Home Depot or hanging out in my parents' living room with the kids. I work too much and don't sleep enough. And I'm blissfully happy.

Something that seems to come out in what you're saying is personal growth. To be a decent spouse, to be a decent parent, to work through home maintenance projects, and find new ways to interact with your parents as you both age, all of these require you to push yourself to learn and grow. It may not seem like it over 3 months, but over years of ups and downs you realize you've changed and grown a lot, hopefully with purpose.

With jobs and moves, it's easy to change jobs and places just because you get bored. But change isn't equal to growth. Sometimes it's just change and it feels meaningless.

I don't mean to say family is better than career or vice versa. But lots of people (me included) can wander through different jobs without feeling there's any thread of continuity or purpose to those changes - it's just a change. Maybe it's easier for people who can actively manage their career and always have their next move/job be another way for them to grow.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#182

Post by stevew20 »

simonsarris wrote: post #11

"We should be more honest about the real tradeoffs between endless wanderlust/adventure-seeking and putting down real roots. The things that make for a great instagram feed or Bumble profile are very different from those of permanence that help us live well." (Friend's comment on article) Polly's reply is so shameless (including promoting her own book in the reply) that it's incredible just how badly it missed the po…

[dead]

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#183

Post by wwweston »

8bitsrule wrote: post #146
mc32 wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m reminded of a story an English tracher once related to us. A friend of the group decided to go off and teach English in Spain, had lots of fun and few worries, life was wonderful and friends back home felt “jealous”. But this person returned one day, many years later with little in the sense of career accomplishment and security (dunno what prompted the move back, age, money, career, crisis?). Moral was when they…

'little but transitory happiness' There are many people in the world who will never know happiness. Life itself is transitory, 'accomplishment' is not a substitute for it, 'security' is a dream. Old men may say 'Youth is wasted on the young'; I say bravo to the young who drink life to the lees. When you sell today, can you be so sure of tomorrow?

I think it's fair to say both viewpoints have merit. Building for the future allows one to accumulate resources and deploy them for meaningful goals, and is prone to a failure mode where one forgets how to be alive, or what is meaningful, trades away special capacity for enjoyment youth brings, and gambles against life ceasing before the building is done. Living for the moment leaves more room for present joys... and has a failure mode where one becomes unprepared for likely futures and arrives there to find the moment miserable.

Does a wise person minimax, or do they balance?

Does wisdom figure in, or do people simply externalize a neurological temperament?

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#184

Post by [deleted] »

ppeetteerr wrote: post #167
rayiner wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree that this is bad advice. I'm 35. I've got a wife, two kids, and a weird house with tons of maintenance projects. My parents live five minutes away, and I spend most weekends at Home Depot or hanging out in my parents' living room with the kids. I work too much and don't sleep enough. And I'm blissfully happy. I say this is bad advice not because I think what makes me happy will make everyone happy. I know lot…

What if those who travel and live a nomad life aught not have kids?

[deleted]

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#185

Post by jf- »

watwut wrote: post #136
yholio wrote: post #73

> And with men I date, I feel pressure to make something of the relationship too soon (move in, get married, “I have to have kids in a couple of years”; fun times!). All the while still trying to be the sexpot 25-year-old I thought I was until what seemed like a moment ago. It sounds like going from one end of the spectrum (aventuros, yolo) to the other (a family, fast), all while punching above their weight, so to s…

I know plenty of good looking men with social skills and reasonable success in long term relationships or having families. And also ugly men unwilling to commit. I think that your view of males is unfairly negative.

I think his view is fairly correct. I also don’t see it as being negative, you’re making your own value judgement equating commitment with positivity. Men do tend to want to have a lot of partners, and many of those who can, do.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#186

Post by dlivingston »

CPLX wrote: post #68

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain. You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today. And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun. So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking. Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older, shorter of br…

+1 for the Pink Floyd reference. Thanks for giving new context and meaning to an amazing song.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#187

Post by ohiovr »

MrBuddyCasino wrote: post #59
ohiovr wrote: post #7

The holidays are an emotional meat grinder. Its the hap hap happiest time of the year alright. This time of year is the lowest for most people but it is demanded of us to hide our desperation. Unfortunately it also distorts are situation. The situation really is better than we think it is. A lot of us get irrational this time of year. It will be better in the spring when the holiday hysteria is long gone.

There are more suicides in spring than during holidays. Spring wants you to be happy, the contrast is too harsh. Winter depression is normal.

Looks like you are right. I read a little that said january 24 is the most depressing day of the year and April is the worst month for suicides.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#188

Post by ams6110 »

ThrustVectoring wrote: post #39

I could give better advice in a single sentence. To wit, "you should schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to get screened for adult ADHD." These life problems are classic adult ADHD symptoms. Moving cities every few years. Not being able to hold down a long-term relationship. Your "who-knows-what-number" job. Debt from poor and impulsive decisions. Lack of internal drive. Difficulty making and keeping friends.…

I think also exploring the reasons why she behaves this way. It sounds cliche but I'm guessing it goes back to her childhood. She probably had a childhood full of instability, moving, absent or indifferent father, etc. and those patterns are imprinted in her thought process now. Good psychotherapy might expose the underlying reasons for her behavior and help her deal with them.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#189

Post by wlll »

peterburkimsher wrote: post #160
wlll wrote: post #132

Earlier quoted context omitted.

TCK? > My latest idea is to study a certification. Has anybody done this before, and does it work? Will that help me start a career? Maybe? I suspect it depends partly on where (the company) you want to work, partly why you haven't been able to find a job yet, and partly where you do (or want to) live. 1. The sort of company you want to work for Some places want certifications, degrees, etc. so if you identify those…

I'm sorry that I'm bad with people, and wrote a "privileged, muddled whinge." I grew up in the countryside and I don't know how to meet people. Please can you teach me how to get better? If certifications aren't the answer, do you have a better solution? I'll lower my dreams and take anything, anywhere.

> I'm sorry that I'm bad with people, and wrote a "privileged, muddled whinge."

Don't apologise to me! What you got was my take on how you have presented yourself. I've been responsible for hiring people in the past, and I'll hire people again in the future. Maybe my first impression could be useful to you.

All you need to do is take it (the criticism) or leave it. Defend it if you want, but there's no-one here interested in hearing that. Perhaps more valuably for you would be to try to work out why you came across like that.

> I grew up in the countryside and I don't know how to meet people.

I grew up having no friends at school and was bullied for 5 years. It took me until my 30s to recover from it. This included being incredibly shy and not knowing how to meet people. The process will never be complete.

> Please can you teach me how to get better?

I can tell you how I recovered, your path may differ.

After a year with no real friends in London (pints after work with colleages apart) I went to tech meetups. I learned to talk to people by just doing it. I realised that these people were very very similar to me. I persevered and eventually friendships just fell out of that.

Are you interested in reading? Join a reading group. D&D, join a… you get the picture.

I understand that it's paralysingly hard for some people to talk to other people, so I suggest gently pushing yourself to take small steps by surrounding yourself with relatively like-minded people, people who at least are likely to share a similar mental state.

I can now talk to people, go up to them, small talk. Even convince themselves that I'm outgoing. It's tiring and I need to take a break from it and it feels like an act, but it works, and I make friends and I have a better life because of it.

> If certifications aren't the answer, do you have a better solution? I'll lower my dreams and take anything, anywhere.

A better solution? Not really. Work out why you've not been getting the jobs. Getting a CCNA only to discover that not having a CCNA wasn't the reason you weren't getting the job will set you back $number_of_years_it_takes_to_get_a_CCNA.

Re: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

#190

Post by 5874-4b22-a4e0 »

hateful wrote: post #70
Tade0 wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Frankly I stopped reading the moment the book was mentioned. It feels off and insincere.

I did the same thing. In my mind I went "oh, there it is" and closed the tab. That's a shame, since the first half was quite harrowing.

First part was probably embellished anyways. Anyone can make up a two part sob story style q&a for promotional purposes.
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