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How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

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Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#181

Post by sliverstorm »

PrefixKitten wrote: post #164
sliverstorm wrote: post #79

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There's maybe a 5th category: - fails to recognize good candidates (solved by more dating) It's easy to wind up barking up the wrong tree because you haven't figured out what is really important to you, as well as how to find it.

One problem I have is that I'll never get the chance to date enough people to discover what qualities I like in women.

Why on earth not? Various networks offer anybody the opportunity to go on many first dates with many people. It takes some effort, and you have to learn how to come across well & take good photos & stuff, but few people have all doors shut to them.

I see you commented elsewhere you get few matches- why is that? Figure that out, fix that. Dating isn't take-it-or-leave-it, it's a life journey that most certainly includes working on yourself.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#182

Post by PrefixKitten »

sliverstorm wrote: post #181
PrefixKitten wrote: post #164

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One problem I have is that I'll never get the chance to date enough people to discover what qualities I like in women.

Why on earth not? Various networks offer anybody the opportunity to go on many first dates with many people. It takes some effort, and you have to learn how to come across well & take good photos & stuff, but few people have all doors shut to them. I see you commented elsewhere you get few matches- why is that? Figure that out, fix that. Dating isn't take-it-or-leave-it, it's a life journey that most certainly includ…

>Various networks offer anybody the opportunity to go on many first dates with many people.

Not if those people refuse to go on dates with the person.

>why is that?

No idea. I'm supposedly really attractive. If there's an answer I don't have a way of finding it out.

>it's a life journey that most certainly includes working on yourself.

Well I can't get in much better shape than I already am, I could make more money but I'm already making enough that that shouldn't be holding me back any. On paper there's basically nothing wrong with me.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#183

Post by dang »

greekyogurt21 wrote: post #50
overcast wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can’t share my life with someone, and not be married?

The hell are you talking about

We've banned this account for repeatedly violating the HN guidelines. If you don't want to be banned on HN, you're welcome to email hn@ycombinator.com and give us reason to believe that you'll follow the rules in the future.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#184

Post by finchisko »

FooHentai wrote: post #27
mikebenfield wrote: post #8

1. I have always hated the notion that having a happy marriage is about filtering through many candidates to find the one perfect partner. Although I do think it's reasonable to try to learn early on what you're looking for, this idea that we should all be dramatically expanding our dating pool to find the perfect person is abominable. Look at a city with a massive population of eligible young people, like say NYC..…

It's a variation of the travellers curse, where the more places you visit the less satisfied you will be with settling in any one place. That happens because you find new, positive qualities in each place, and no place will ever have them all. In fact, over time any place will have proportionally fewer of the positive qualities you've found, and everywhere becomes less appealing the further you travel.

Nice analogy. I'm thinking exactly same. More partners you have, more difficult it will be to stick with one.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#185

Post by finchisko »

chrisseaton wrote: post #94
morgante wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> listen to what people in NYC say about the dating scene there I live in NYC and think the dating scene here is fantastic, at least for someone in their 20s. There's lots of opportunity to meet interesting people and have fun together. This is going to sound silly, but one of my strongest reasons for preferring NYC to SF is the better dating scene.

There's lots of opportunity to meet people, but I think the point is do those people want to settle down? Or do they want to keep meeting more interesting people? When people want a good dating scene they don't want to keep dating - they want successful dating, meaning a relationship.

So "Sex in the city" is actually good portrait of life and relationships in NYC?

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#186

Post by makeset »

nolepointer wrote: post #71
tristor wrote: post #38

This was a very insightful read for me, where I introspected and identified a lot of things I had done wrong myself in relationships. That said, it was also kind of depressing. It seems that one of the greatest unsolved challenges of life is efficient matchmaking, and despite all the technology poured into it we are nowhere close to having a good solution. Swipe-apps (latest generation of matchmaking) are completely…

I haven't done it, but speed dating seems like the best approach. It puts you right in front of a person and, imo, you're less likely to dismiss him/her outright than you would be on the mentioned apps.

Back in my day, people met their partners in the course of normal social interaction. Weird, right? Like, you'd meet a friend of a friend, or be someplace fun and meet other people having fun. Super weird. Sure, online dating casts a much wider net, and there's something to be said for moving your thumb to make attractive strangers appear at your door, but the old way was efficient. More information up front meant fewer false starts and less time wasted. It was essentially speed-dating without the handholding. It wasn't that hard; you just had to get out and go somewhere, and you know, socialize.

Now with a whole new generation too averse to even talking on their phone over texting, it's probably becoming another lost art. We have managed to hack a process evolved over human civilization, only to replace it with a mildly less inconvenient but overall poorer and addictive substitute.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#187

Post by TomMarius »

MegaButts wrote: post #169
nether wrote: post #127

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Much of that can be summed up in the classic adage, "marry your best friend," someone that you really enjoy hanging out with in any setting.

I feel like what's missing from this though is sexual attraction - you are not necessarily attracted to your best friend. If there's no spark, it's just a close friendship. At least to me there is a distinct difference.

I understand it like it's all on top of sexual attraction.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#188

Post by zhorzh_alex »

true_religion wrote: post #160
Mahn wrote: post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Would I have consensual sex with an attractive celebrity if they took an interest in me? Sure. Would I fall in love with an attractive celebrity if they took an interest in me? Well, no, not automatically anyway, I would have to get to know this person first and see how I feel about spending time and do things together. I'd definitely not dump a person I've known and loved for years over a fling with an attractive ce…

My perspective is that falling in love with someone doesn't mean having to replace your current lover. That's only true in a society that enforces monogamy. My birth culture is plainly polygamous. My grandfather had five wives. My uncle has 4 and a half. My brother has 2.

4 and a half wives? would you mind to explain?

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#189

Post by mythrwy »

cookiecaper wrote: post #97
cproctor wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To put it in terms that might be more familiar around here, obsessing over finding the right partner is like believing that a successful startup is mostly about finding the right idea. (And from there, it will just work out on its own...) Sure, some ideas are more likely to work out a priori, but your success is going to be dramatically influenced by the amount of work you're willing to put into it, your willingness…

Yes! It is all about the amount of effort and commitment that the parties (plural) are willing to put into it. Bear in mind that each part of the married couple will have decades of their own personal evolution occurring underneath the current of regular life. Opinions, beliefs, or attitudes that are strongly held at the time of marriage will change. Even if you meet the Perfect Mate (TM), no one stays static for lon…

In spite of what religious leaders (career term bureaucrats who actually don't know any better at all) may tell us, that's hardly the way to find maximum fulfillment in relationships. "Cultural harmony" aside. Lot of quite desperation and Prozac eating. And that's no way to go through life. Maybe being a homeless junkie is slightly worse. Maybe. Ya, man and women are together for sake of kids. Miserable and crazy. Which.. produces bad effects on kids. Probably more than at peace separated parents in fulfilled relationships. Like I say, God isn't talking at all to those old men. Nor are they wise. They are mostly full of bias and baloney.

The idea of arranged marriages is abhorrent, very close to slavery in denying individual worth and choice.

But ideally there should be some flexibility and commitment, particularly if children are involved, yes.

How to find your ideal mate for lots of men? She'll have me!

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#190

Post by 3131s »

fizixer wrote: post #98
cousin_it wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Many people do have a need to be loved, you can't argue it away.

Most people have plenty of issues growing up, like low self-esteem, need for validation, etc. A combination of training, therapy, meditation, sense-of-purpose, etc can work wonders.

How about you worry about yourself and stop diagnosing people that choose to be with another person?
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