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I rebooted my social life

takes.jamesomalley.co.uk

171–180 of 433 posts

Re: I rebooted my social life

#171
post #97

Lovely read. Social health is my number one 2026 priority. I moved into a new city in 2025 and this hits home. I'm lucky to have a great and active group of online friends but it's no replacement for something local. Some things that I've picked up last year that are a good starting point: - timeleft dinners. I get dinner with 5 strangers every few weeks. Tons of fun and you meet a lot of interesting people. - swing…

What’s a timeleft dinner?

It's a "meet 5 random people for dinner/drinks" app. Actually sounds like it could be fun.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#172
post #154
post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have had this discussion with my wife, men need activities more than women to bond. My wife can make friends just by randomly running into other women at events or my daughter's activities.

[flagged]

It might change how a man and a woman discuss (or should discuss) how they might relieve their sense of isolation and poor social life.

Especially if, say, that man and woman always do things together, but one of them is starting to feel like they need a little bit of something else.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#173

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

Socializing is not a "dull chore" it is a essential component of healthy living[1] By not socializing, you are avoiding (to quote the linked article) a "fundamental human need." This is not something you can simply live without, just like you cannot live a good live without exercise. The view you are espousing is fundamentally unhealthy. [1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/

It definitely can be a chore.

I organized a large (600+-person at its peak) Meetup in Park Slope, Brooklyn, NY during Meetup's hayday (2010-ish).

Meeting heaps of different people from all walks of life was interesting at first. But like a previous poster stated, connections like these are fleeting and take a lot of work to maintain (especially if you're a man, which I am; see the end of this post for more on that).

Consequently, the process of meeting people eventually became very same-y after a short while, and knowing that these conversations usually won't amount to anything other than nice, fleeting moments got old.

There was also the drama of managing "interesting" personalities in a free Meetup group. I passed the baton in 2012 or so, but that's another post for another day.

I'll conclude this post with some unsolicited advice: try to learn what people do for work without asking them directly.

EVERYONE expects this question, and it can be a conversation killer if your occupations don't intersect (less likely) or if the person you're conversing with hates their job (more likely). Everyone ALSO loves talking about themselves. Finding out how someone spends the largest part of their day without asking point-blank adds interesting twists and turns that can really liven up a conversation. It also makes you a better listener and better at asking questions.

I lied; I have more unsolicited advice. The easiest way to give a shit about what someone does for work is to ask lots of questions! Unless they hate their job, in which case, you'll want to ask questions that get them talking about what they do enjoy!

Typing that last paragraph reminded me of another reason why I got burned out on socializing with people. I'm a man. Most men only like sports and video games; two things I couldn't care less about. Socializing with other men as a man who dislikes these things is extremely difficult, especially in the US South, where I live. I blame the suburban lifestyle, but that, too, is another post for another day.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#174
post #154

Earlier quoted context omitted.

[flagged]

This is generally known to be true for men. We have a much harder time connecting socially without some sort of shared activity or action. The OP isn't trying to project on to you. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S109051382... https://psychcentral.com/health/didactic-memory?utm_source=c... >> I have no data that it has to do with gender or sex, and why would it matter? The needs aren't predictable b…

While that may be true, there are exceptions. And hence I think parents comment is more inclusive to say: some people (that are overwhelmingly male) need activities to bond, while others (majority female) do not need that. (May not be the best example here but helps i.e criticising certain toxic behaviours that are somehow more linked to one sex without blaming everyone of that sex)

Re: I rebooted my social life

#175

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

I definitely see your point. I'd just say though that it can put a lot of pressure on the romantic relationship. Some can handle it; others might not. And also it makes it much more difficult to recover if things don't work out.

Social life is a bit like SEO. To get the full benefits, you needed to start on it years ago. Trying to do it just-in-time is generally a very frustrating experience. I think there's wisdom in doing casual cultivation when you don't feel you need it. It's like keeping your skills/résumé up-to-date just in case.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#176
post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Because they can’t reach you when there’s a power outage to check that you’re warm. They can’t share boiled water with you when the mains break. They can’t invite you to a meal when you’re lonely. They can mostly only ever wish you well.

Neighbors can provide these things if you’re willing to reciprocate. And you don’t have to be close with them, just friendly.

We've moved around a lot. Getting cool neighbors like this is like winning the lottery. We finally have neighbors that are fun to hang out with, and, yes, it's incredibly awesome.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#177
post #91

I came to the same conclusions as the author. Then I tried something like this and failed to get people interested. It’s draining for me to reach out to try and convince people, not sure if the social anxiety or the lack of executive functioning. Any tips for someone that understands and wants community but struggles with the building process?

I'll answer your question with a question. In the past, I would have recommended finding a Meetup on some activity you enjoy. Meetup isn't as popular anymore (another victim of COVID and WFH culture), but the spirit of the idea is sound. Are there apps or services that fill that void these days?

Re: I rebooted my social life

#178
post #97

Lovely read. Social health is my number one 2026 priority. I moved into a new city in 2025 and this hits home. I'm lucky to have a great and active group of online friends but it's no replacement for something local. Some things that I've picked up last year that are a good starting point: - timeleft dinners. I get dinner with 5 strangers every few weeks. Tons of fun and you meet a lot of interesting people. - swing…

> dancing

A "screwing club for men" was the scene at the Salsa dancing which I joined (with female friends). I really loved the salsa and really enjoyed everything with the rest of the learners, and with my friends. Unfortunately it took me too long to realize that the "top" men were more interested in fucking beginner women than in real socializing. Too predator vibe for me so we quit - I probably should have looked for a better group. That group was an outlier - later I've seen dancing groups with fantastic dynamics.

Dancing is amazing, and I'd recommend anyone to try it, but try to join a social group.

It looks like it would be great to travel with: I met a truly wonderful bunch of people at a LGBT friendly Tango (my AirBnB hosts took me in Argentina).

Re: I rebooted my social life

#179

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

> Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolerate people with radically different views/values, and either intellectually lacking or overly predictable in their interests.

Does every person need to be unpredicatable and intellectually stimulating in order to spend time with them? If a friend who lives in Rotorua is interested in mountain biking (how predictable, how shallow) does that make spending time on a bike in the forest with them somehow lesser?

Re: I rebooted my social life

#180

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

+1. For every one like the author of the blog post, it's likely to be another one in the opposite direction. But they will be unlikely to write a post about that. I too found weighting 'spend time with human persons v.s. with my own thoughts, or programming and writing, or reading a paper or a post, or listening to a podcast while walking in nature' lately come down on the side away from humans. So far - it's been wa…

> For every one like the author of the blog post, it's likely to be another one in the opposite direction. But they will be unlikely to write a post about that.

There's literally an entire website dedicated to people with this point of view, it's called Reddit.

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