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Maybe you’re not trying

usefulfictions.substack.com

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Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#171

Post by atoav »

TylerE wrote: post #121
atoav wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Paradoxically some things with human bodies work like that: Back pain? One of the best ways of usually getting rid of it is using your back more and building muscle. I once worked with a guy who was a grandmaster at finding rational explainations of why they needed to do the thing that clearly was bad for them. He was overweight, but every time he ate both extremely unhealthy and much next to us he would explain how…

[flagged]

Yes, because I don't like to lay bare all the details of my friends online. Contrary to what my post may have sounded like to you this person is my friend and I stayed with them for more than a decade always in support to help them get better.

And spoiler: they did get better, took up a sport and look healthier than at any point since I have known them.

As someone who grew up with multiple disabled people I am very aware of the pitfalls here, but you were the one who assumed knowledge of details I did not mention.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#172

Post by h33t-l4x0r »

txrx0000 wrote: post #56
h33t-l4x0r wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> And whether you believe that might depend on whether you read this, so consider yourself lucky. See right there you're saying trying depends on something I don't control which is making my point for me.

I never refuted your hypothesis, I just pointed out the fact that the universe being deterministic has nothing to do with whether it's worth it for you to believe that you can achieve things and therefore try. Nor did I say that whether you believe it depends on something you can control. Assuming determinism, it's always worth it to believe that you can achieve things and try, even if it's as a result of me saying t…

It sounds like you're saying that a being with no free will should strive to overcome that somehow, and you can't understand how ridiculous that is.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#174

Post by quails8mydog »

hiAndrewQuinn wrote: post #129
yousif_123123 wrote: post #58

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

The opposite conclusion is that you are more risk-taking when it comes to dictating the actions of others, because neither their gains nor their losses directly accrue to you. But human beings feel loss aversion more keenly than they desire gain, so this biases the advice you would give others (but not yourself) riskier in general.

I think this is exactly it. It's easy to see that there's a chance to improve things while ignoring the ways it could make things worse when they won't affect you. Should you quit the job you don't like? "Of course" the friend will say. But then you might just end up with a job you hate more that pays less, or even no job. Whether the outside perspective is helpful probably depends on how much your own perception deviates from reality. Though people do have a tendency to prefer the status quo until things change, so maybe you should always prefer the "change" option when you aren't sure.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#175

Post by Gravityloss »

yousif_123123 wrote: post #116
ekjhgkejhgk wrote: post #93

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm exactly the same, down to the specific examples you chose. So, what is to be done?

I was hoping someone points it out for us. Since you asked me, you are using the same concept and now I need to help you solve your problem (which seem to be the one I also have..) I think the solution must be we're primarily responsible for ourselves, and that unless we ask others for help all the time we need to figure things out. I also lately have been thinking from the perspective of the person I'm anxious to in…

One thing is also ability to have clearer start and end and boundaries, or some sort of mental boxing for the case at hand.

If you're visiting someone else, you arrive, and you leave. The helping them clean part has at least some sort of boundaries. Even if you don't finish, you have helped them along.

When you're at home, even if you start, if you leave it halfway, it will be your problem after you stop. And tomorrow still and so on. So it feels more daunting.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#176

Post by immibis »

Yoric wrote: post #81
nicbou wrote: post #55

Great post! I find that this happens when I want to do something The Right Way, but don’t have a clear path, nor the energy to figure one out. For example I want a nice winter wardrobe, but first I have to figure out what I like, what is trendy, where to buy it, what will suit the weather. I am wholly unprepared for it. Suddenly it’s a whole ordeal, so I just wait. In another category - art - I had to learn to be oka…

> Socialising is the same. You get better at it through practice. Practice is fun, it makes you do fun things and meet fun people. Not for all of us, though. For some, socializing is considerable pressure.

I had unexpected amounts of fun at long multi-day raves. You get into altered mental states (even without substances) and don't have to talk to people but also you can.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#177

Post by bob_theslob646 »

yousif_123123 wrote: post #58

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

>I wonder how much psychologically we can be more confident and less anxious when we're doing something for others vs ourselves

Thank you for taking the time to type this up. I would be extremely interested in any sort of research around this and may add( maybe others face the same ) that's incredibly difficult to introspect yourself and solve problems for yourself as easily as you can for others.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#178

Post by jhanschoo »

yousif_123123 wrote: post #58

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

That's why it's good to have close friends so that we don't have to be perfect ourselves in all respects in our private lives... humans are a political animal after all

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#179

Post by mahogany »

tetris11 wrote: post #35
danybittel wrote: post #20

This sounds a lot like Learned helplessness: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness

> Most of the Group 3 dogs—which had previously learned that nothing they did had any effect on shocks—simply lay down passively and whined when they were shocked What a cruel time for experimenting on animals the 1960s were...

Animal cruelty is alive and well in the factory farming industry, at a yearly scale orders of magnitude higher than the sum of all research experimentation in science during the 1960s.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#180

Post by throwpoaster »

throwpoaster wrote: post #50

If you, the reader, are having "productivity problems" please get assessed for ADHD. A lot of productivity writing has the frame "trust me, I was incorrigible and this system worked for me. If it worked for me it will work for you." None of those systems ever worked for me. I worried about learned helplessness. I worried that imposter syndrome was actually just me being an imposter. I worried I wasn't trying hard eno…

For clarity, prayed worked and was unfortunately one of the last things I tried.
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