The year I didn't survive • Hacker News Board

Re: The year I didn't survive

#171

Post by FlyingSnake » Wed, Feb 12, 2025, 2:12 PM UTC

kamaal wrote: post #107

tdullien wrote: post #106

This resonates with me very deeply. In the last few months of my 40th year, I exited my 2nd company - somewhat against my wishes (although I could've chosen differently). The day that deal closed my mother went into coma after complications from a routine hip surgery, and died after 9 weeks of intensive care. A few months later my dad had a brain hemorrhage leading to dementia; and due to a variety of factors I ended…

>>For quite a number of people the early 40s have some pretty brutal transitions in store. For me it was caring for my dad in the hospital during COVID and his surgeries around the time. I had to often wake in the nights to drain his catheter. For some reasons, my mom would find it disgusting. And for some reason, not only did I not, my love for him only increased. We also spent a lot of time together which made me a…

I lost my father in the big Covid wave of May ‘21 and it took me a while to get over that intense trauma. That, along with the midlife crisis hit harder and I can feel that I’m not the same person anymore. I now find myself doing things that I’ve never thought of doing before. Things like regular 10K runs, climbing mountains, solo trips etc. maybe it’s the sense of urgency that we feel after a major event.

Interestingly during that crisis a comment I found on HN about a book (Hannibal and me) helped me a lot to overcome that phase.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#172

Post by AbstractH24 » Wed, Feb 12, 2025, 2:28 PM UTC

rixed wrote: post #128

OhioMan2943 wrote: post #102

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think economic factors and the health of society at large are one of the largest parts of this. I'm young and didn't get to grow up in an innocent time, and anyone older than me seems worse off. The only way I think I can make things work is to make drastic life choices like relocation, and live pretty alternative lifestyles like off grid for economic security. I'm always wondering where the interesting people went…

I believe you are right about the larger factors shaping the individual experience. And since you mention that you are young, just to let you know: when "celebrating" the latest new years eve, all guests present (40 to 50yo) agreed that the main source of hope for the near future was the early disillusionment of younger generations. More power to you! :)

Woof

While I know this thread is self-selecting, it’s amazing how many folks share similar stories of how they feel burnt out in life since 2020.

I fear we’ve yet to hit rock bottom and more societal strife is impending, both in America and elsewhere. But like you, I agree there is some hope that those just starting out will rebuild something better from the ashes of it when it’s all over.

As a 35-year old though I worry I’ll be too old to truly reap the benefits. Although elder millennials, whose formative adult years were defined by the Great Recession and Gen Z, who had them defined by COVID, might have it even worse.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#173

Post by trentnix » Wed, Feb 12, 2025, 2:30 PM UTC

YinglingHeavy wrote: post #154

CobaltFire wrote: post #13

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…

The best is yet to come. My son is non verbal, non mobile. We live the life of the Servant. We used to define ourselves by our profession, now we define ourselves as "special needs parent". This is a step closer to actually being more human. How trivial our lives were before, how we wasted so many hours on shit that didn't matter!

God bless you and your family. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#174

Post by throwaway356356 » Wed, Feb 12, 2025, 2:30 PM UTC

CobaltFire wrote: post #165

throwaway356356 wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throwaway: when my daughter was 4, she took a bath. My wife was in the living room doing laundry, literally 5 steps away. At that point, my daughter had just finished swimming class 3 months before. I was at work. When she called "mum!", my wife said: "Coming" and folded one final shirt. When she then entered the bathroom, my daughter floated in the tub, face down. No breathing, no sign of life anymore. My wife reviv…

Your description of being in a trance after you found out is eerily similar to how I felt when I got the message that I needed to get to the hospital and start signing paperwork because my son had cancer. My life has a stark demarcation of before and after that, and sometimes it feels like nothing is quite real since.

Strangely, I feel that my wife was able to come to terms with this demarcation much more quickly than I, although she was obviously much more traumatized than me in the time immediately after the event. (I quickly talked to her on the phone when she was in the ambulance, she was mostly incoherent and it was impossible to even get the information out of her whether our daughter was dead). I think this is mainly because it was entirely and only her who saved her life. She took control of the entire situation just seconds after it collapsed on her, and successfully turned it around completely by herself. I, on the other hand, was forced to be completely passive for nearly 2 hours, alone, with incomplete information, and with periods in which I thought I had lost my daughter. It was me who had a breakdown in the night after the event, in a dark hospital room, and it was again my wife who handled that situation.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#175

Post by throwaway155381 » Wed, Feb 12, 2025, 2:35 PM UTC

throwaway356356 wrote: post #111

CobaltFire wrote: post #13

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…

Throwaway: when my daughter was 4, she took a bath. My wife was in the living room doing laundry, literally 5 steps away. At that point, my daughter had just finished swimming class 3 months before. I was at work. When she called "mum!", my wife said: "Coming" and folded one final shirt. When she then entered the bathroom, my daughter floated in the tub, face down. No breathing, no sign of life anymore. My wife reviv…

This terrifies me. My mom died when of cancer I was 11, and I am much more anxious about things happening to my kids than my wife is.

One day my wife said she was going to give our 4 year old daughter a bath, then I find my daughter by herself in the bath and my wife all the way across the house in the bedroom. I asked “Why aren’t you watching her?” The reply, “She’s fine. She knows how to swim and the water isn’t even that deep.”

I work remotely in the upstairs bedroom and will occasionally come down for water. Half the time I find my one year old eating alone in his high chair in the kitchen, with my wife doing something in the bedroom. “Where are you? What if he chokes?” “You don’t trust me. He’s fine. I can hear him from the bedroom.”

My wife will get in road rage incidents. People flip her off and yell threats at her as she slingshots through traffic with our little kids in the back seat. “You’re going to crash driving like that.” “Stop telling me how to drive.” Someone pretended to pull a gun out on her after she swore at them. “You’re going to get shot.” “No I’m not. I can tell if any of those people would have a gun.”

She also has severe ADHD. Our daughter got under the sink when she was two and ate half a dishwasher detergent pod before my wife noticed and called poison control. Another day when my daughter was two my wife forgot to shut the gate at the bottom of the stairs when she came upstairs to talk to me during the workday. Suddenly I hear a series of thuds and cries. Our little girl had fallen down the flight of stairs after trying to follow my wife without her noticing. Same thing happened to my 1 year old son under the watch of my wife’s mother.

I’m so scared that one day I’m going to get a call about something horrible that has happened to my kids either because of my wife’s inattention or anger issues.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#176

Post by coldpie » Wed, Feb 12, 2025, 2:37 PM UTC

wegfawefgawefg wrote: post #141

not intending to be rude but this probably doesnt belong on hacker news. I come here to read about tech.

I understand why you feel that way. There's a little "Hide" button under every story. It makes the stuff you're not interested in go away. There's no shame in using it. Story's gone, no harm done, move on to stuff you are interested in instead.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#177

Post by gbjw » Wed, Feb 12, 2025, 3:00 PM UTC

tdullien wrote: post #106

This resonates with me very deeply. In the last few months of my 40th year, I exited my 2nd company - somewhat against my wishes (although I could've chosen differently). The day that deal closed my mother went into coma after complications from a routine hip surgery, and died after 9 weeks of intensive care. A few months later my dad had a brain hemorrhage leading to dementia; and due to a variety of factors I ended…

“Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.” - Aeschylus

Re: The year I didn't survive

#178

Post by Balgair » Wed, Feb 12, 2025, 3:05 PM UTC

We had a similar thing happen to us in COIVD. My child was born and a few weeks later, my FiL died. We were the primary caretakers for both as one came into the world and one went out.

One thing I will suggest is a death doula. Birth doulas are very good if you can afford them and worth the money, at least ours was. I really wish we'd gotten a death doula too, to help out with all the dumb things about dying. The paperwork, the adult diapers, the cleaning of a large human, bedsores, the funeral homes, etc. It's a lot of dumb little things that add up in your head that will make it want to pop.

Anyway, reading this piece was going back to a place and a person I was. I get that feeling of living on stress and adrenaline. I took up drinking at night to help out, and that wasn't smart, it wrecked the little sleep I was getting. I should have gone coffee addict or vaping instead. No, honestly, nothing was going to help in the end.

I get the alonenese, the total burnout. For about 3 years afterwards, it was nothing but mechanical robot me. Not a lot of real feelings beside rage, which I barely had the energy for. The first year flus didn't help at all either.

It is better, but like some Dr. Who transformation, I'm a new me now. I have all the memories, but I'm not the old person. I know that sounds like 'Duh, we're all like that dummy', but this time, maybe due to the compression and intensity, it feels different. Like, you thought your first kiss would change you, and it did, but not as much as you though it would. The experience of being a new parent and having that kid's grandfather die within a month, that changed me a lot more than I thought it would. And I really don't like who it changed me into.

It gets better? Maybe, I don't know yet. I hope so.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#179

Post by giancarlostoro » Wed, Feb 12, 2025, 3:12 PM UTC

Balgair wrote: post #178

We had a similar thing happen to us in COIVD. My child was born and a few weeks later, my FiL died. We were the primary caretakers for both as one came into the world and one went out. One thing I will suggest is a death doula. Birth doulas are very good if you can afford them and worth the money, at least ours was. I really wish we'd gotten a death doula too, to help out with all the dumb things about dying. The pap…

> One thing I will suggest is a death doula.

My in-laws already prepaid for their funeral burial and arrangement and my wife's, and his own fathers as well. So when it all happened, it as a lot less stress. It was still emotional, but everything was handled ahead of time.

It might seem morbid to think about, but if you can preplan your funeral arrangements so your loved ones don't have to, it's definitely one of the better things you can do. Also leaves them free of having to foot the bill.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#180

Post by wvlia5 » Wed, Feb 12, 2025, 3:15 PM UTC

CobaltFire wrote: post #13

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…

I think it has to do with low self-esteem.

You used to be a superhero. And you still are. Remember who you are.

You were drowned in frustration. But now you acknowledge the reality of the present situation, it's time to execute the new accomplishments that will prove your greatness.