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The Never Married, a New Normal

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Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#171

Post by adam_arthur »

emodendroket wrote: post #165
adam_arthur wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why commingle finances at all? A large percentage of divorces are due to financial disagreements... joint accounts have proven to be a failed model at scale. If you want to share money, have separate accounts and transfer money between them as needed/on a schedule. No room for impropriety/mistrust. Everybody has autonomy. If we choose to be realistic, rather than idealistic, we would recognize that a large percentage…

I think having separate finances just changes the type of financial argument you’ll have.

Either you concretely agree on the finances or you don't. If you don't have any explicit understanding/agreement, the vast majority of relationships are going to have problems. Having separate accounts forces you to come to an explicit consensus

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#172

Post by nine_k »

shadowgovt wrote: post #130
emodendroket wrote: post #127

> Cohabitation has become a popular alternative; living together is a less complicated relationship model that comes with an easy escape hatch (compared with marriage) if the relationship fails This seems like a bit of a false promise... Once you commingle finances, own a house together, have children, and so on, there's no "easy escape hatch." Plus thinking of having an "easy escape hatch" probably does not do wonde…

Children? In this economy?

No. Children, in your one and only life which is going to end soon enough. Economy will never be perfect.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#173

Post by emodendroket »

adam_arthur wrote: post #171
emodendroket wrote: post #165

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think having separate finances just changes the type of financial argument you’ll have.

Either you concretely agree on the finances or you don't. If you don't have any explicit understanding/agreement, the vast majority of relationships are going to have problems. Having separate accounts forces you to come to an explicit consensus

I don’t think the rigidity of a formal arrangement like this is necessary or even helpful. Both partners’ financial status is likely to change significantly over the course of a relationship.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#174

Post by TheCoelacanth »

cultofmetatron wrote: post #142
throwaway1492 wrote: post #49

I’ll risk it and defend marriage to this crowd. To me getting married was about getting out of myself. As someone who got married later in life, I’d spent decades living only for myself, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Relationships were shallow and lasted only so long as convenient. By choosing to get married and intentional build a family, I knew I was sacrificing a lot of ego and choosing to give…

[flagged]

Marriage itself is not really more of a risk to a man than a woman. Shared property from the marriage will get divided up, but that affects women the same as men.

Having children is a slight risk because custody is a bit more likely to be given to women than men, so men are a bit more likely to have to pay child support.

Having a spouse who stops working to take care of children is a large risk for both partners. One risks having to pay alimony to support the non-working spouse; the other risks losing their earning potential from time spent out of the workforce.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#175

Post by zeroxp »

cultofmetatron wrote: post #142
throwaway1492 wrote: post #49

I’ll risk it and defend marriage to this crowd. To me getting married was about getting out of myself. As someone who got married later in life, I’d spent decades living only for myself, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Relationships were shallow and lasted only so long as convenient. By choosing to get married and intentional build a family, I knew I was sacrificing a lot of ego and choosing to give…

[flagged]

Yes, marriage is about trust. Trust makes you vulnerable, but it opens up a lot of life that just isnt possible otherwise.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#176

Post by sammywater »

thx-2718 wrote: post #27
0xB31B1B wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Married people report significantly higher levels of happiness/life satisfaction in the middle and later stages of life than non married people. This is a durable finding across many studies.

Wouldn't that be selection bias? Presumably Married people at that stage are there because they work together not because there's just someone else there.

[dead]

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#177

Post by adam_arthur »

emodendroket wrote: post #173
adam_arthur wrote: post #171

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Either you concretely agree on the finances or you don't. If you don't have any explicit understanding/agreement, the vast majority of relationships are going to have problems. Having separate accounts forces you to come to an explicit consensus

I don’t think the rigidity of a formal arrangement like this is necessary or even helpful. Both partners’ financial status is likely to change significantly over the course of a relationship.

And if parameters change, the decisions around finances can change too.

Your response implies that its unhealthy to speak openly and clearly about finances. It's much healthier to be concrete and open about how money is managed rather than having some vague understanding or not talking about it at all. If you have a clear understanding that you've both agreed on, then a joint account doesn't provide any benefit.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#178

Post by Obscurity4340 »

kitsunesoba wrote: post #77
lukevp wrote: post #41

This is really surprising, but also interesting to hear. I think there’s a lot of societal pressure to both get married and to have children, especially in the south, where I’m from. Thankfully, my family never pushed these on me. I’ve been with my wife for 13 years now, and married for 8. It’s been an awesome experience for us, but I know neither of us considered marrying any of our previous partners. If we hadn’t f…

> I think there’s a lot of societal pressure to both get married and to have children, especially in the south, where I’m from. I don't know where things stand now, but there was a similar pressure in Appalachia ~15 years ago. If you'd been out of high school more than a couple of years and hadn't gotten married or at minimum found someone you'd intended to marry, people would start asking if you were closeted or som…

Makes me wonder if so much of the domestic craziness is rooted in people who fundamentally are only together to allay peer pressure and questioning of their sexuality. What a recipe for disaster all around.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#179

Post by uninformed »

emodendroket wrote: post #170
adam_arthur wrote: post #166

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Then they have their own account that you transfer $X/month into. If you can't agree as a couple on what each person should be spending, then the relationship is on bad footing to begin with.

I think this creates an uncomfortable/unequal situation for the non working partner as you’ve essentially set yourself up as an authority figure over them rather than an equal.

Do you have an alternative in mind?
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