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How I regained concentration and focus

innoq.com

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Re: How I regained concentration and focus

#171

Block websites will help definitely. another "threat" is when you have a few kids, your daily life is cut into pieces with random and sometimes strong background noises 24x7x365, not much you can do there. personally, that impacts my focus the most and there is no cure, and it usually lasts for about 20 years when kids are finally into colleges. obviously there are many good stuff out of raising kids, and I enjoyed i…

This is why many people with kids want to physically return to the office - fewer distractions.

My kids leave me alone at home. My PMs at work however…

Re: How I regained concentration and focus

#172
post #169

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Tip: don’t give advice to people with kids when you don’t have them yourself. We don’t want it because you all have zero idea what we go through.

This is a bit crude way to put it, but maybe you're right. At least for me, becoming a father changed my perspective on everything so much that it's almost like I'm not even the same species anymore as I was before having them. Sometimes people without children feel like they're not even proper adults even if they are older and/or more senior at work or whatever.

Spot on, I’m so different now than I was then I disregard anything anyone without kids says.

> Sometimes people without children feel like they're not even proper adults

I feel like they’re not real adults too.

Re: How I regained concentration and focus

#173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Tip: don’t give advice to people with kids when you don’t have them yourself. We don’t want it because you all have zero idea what we go through.

Nothing about their advice is specific to the role of parenting itself, but more about perspective on life choices in general. If they were telling you how to be a parent, sure, but there's nothing wrong with trying to learn from each other's experiences. Not having kids may afford some advantages in some circumstances, but in my experience, the decision is often made for reasons that most people don't see, and not j…

No post body was provided.

Re: How I regained concentration and focus

#174
"Trivial inconveniences" are a big hurdle when trying to build a habit, but are a great tool for breaking bad ones. Anything you can do to break the dopamine loop helps, however small it may be. I've had success with:

- setting long passwords to social media that aren't autofilled (saved in bitwarden) and logging out after each session

- nerfing addicting parts of webapps (plugins which block the facebook news feed but allow messaging/groups helped a TON)

- forbidding dedicated social media apps and only using "worse" internet sites

- router DNS blockers, even if I can get around them, the act of having to bypass it raises my awareness I'm doing something subpar for myself

Re: How I regained concentration and focus

#175
post #140

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My phone is always on mute (no vibrate either) Only alarms to wake up

Having a family and responsibilities made this infeasible for me. Most apps on my phone are denied notifications, but people can still text/call me.

If you have Android. Minimalist is very helpful in blocking app notifications.

Re: How I regained concentration and focus

#176

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I also have family and responsibilities. But I am very careful whom I give unfettered access to my attention.

The issue for me is, for example, my wife drops my kid off for a camp and then the camp calls me in an emergency. So I can’t just only take notifications from known callers.

You can do this. I do. Known numbers only and whitelist school, doctor, etc. If you really wanted to go further you could have a second number via google voice you only give to those places. Maybe even tie notifications on that to your calendar where you put your kids events.

Re: How I regained concentration and focus

#177
post #157

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Maybe. Maybe not. But no matter what those other people do, they’ll never ever be able to get more youthful, energetic years with their children and (hopefully) grandchildren. All that money and even Elon can’t buy time. I had kids relatively young for a yuppie male (27) and while that was 100% the “right time” I would have done it earlier if I had known how great they are.

I’m really struggling with this right now. I’m turning 33 next month and really want children. I have endless memories of my dad and grandfathers teaching me amazing lessons and being best/strongest men I have ever been around. I want to fulfill that role that for someone! We didn’t have much money but camping or diy building is something fondly reminisce on and made me who I am. My partner is 25 and is not decided o…

The biggest concern is that there doesn't seem to be a concrete end goal for when you can have children. From what you've written, your partner is 25, has an IUD, and communicated that she doesn't want children for the next 10 years. The endpoint of "probably after I finish all my goals/traveling" is so vaguely defined, that it could never happen. One can spend a lifetime pursuing goals and traveling.

You likely already considered the fertility odds, but to add context, according to a resource approved by the department of health for Victoria, Australia [0], the odds of having a child increasingly drop from age 35 onwards. There are also likely risks for men trying to have children after the age of 40, according to a balanced article on WebMD [1].

Negotiation is an option besides an ultimatum, and I actually think most opinions on the internet about relationships go for breakups far too soon. You have valid concerns that you can address with negotiation; in specific:

1) There is no clarity for the timeline of having kids (10 years plus after a vague goal of reaching all other goals of your partner).

2) From the tone of your partner, it's possible she doesn't seem to be taking your valid concern with seriousness, though perhaps serious conversations may just didn't come to mind at the time you wrote your comment.

3) Your partner hasn't seriously discussed the fertility implications of having children that late, at least from the contents of your comment.

To compromise, consider the red lines. Would you be willing to stay in the relationship without kids? If the answer is "no," it's almost inevitable you will be resentful and the relationship is likely to have a very negative effect on your life.

Would your partner be willing to have kids? If the answer is "no," it's also almost inevitable she will be resentful if she reluctantly goes into it; if the answer legitimately is "yes, but after a certain point of time," then you have room to work it out. The compromise solution is to have a specific endpoint when you will try for kids (with a clear "yes" for trying for children at that point). If there is none, moving on may be a hard decision but the right one for personal happiness for both people in the long-term.

As with any online advice, please take this comment with a huge grain of salt because there is an enormous amount of information and nuance lost when communicating a situation over text (or even over a conversation in person). However, the main principles of compromise—knowing each others' red lines, and account for possible long-term resentment due to agreements favoring one side disproportionately—may hopefully still be helpful. Best of luck to you.

[0] https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtrea...

[1] https://www.webmd.com/men/news/20141202/older-dads-health

Re: How I regained concentration and focus

#178
post #9

My distraction is from all the family stuff I have to deal with. My lack of concentration is because I lack motivation - I don't see any reason to try hard at work since it's all politics and BS.

Hi friend! My family stuff is what keeps me going though. My work is a basket case at the moment, 12-month contract ends in 4 weeks, and it's almost a full time job applying for jobs. I've had three managers in my not-quite 12 months, none that I've worked with very closely, one that thinks I'm no good because I unwittingly stepped on the toes of a couple of institutionalized colleagues by "doing my job", who complai…

> My family stuff is what keeps me going though. My work is a basket case at the moment, 12-month contract ends in 4 weeks, and it's almost a full time job applying for jobs.

Unsolicited advice: if you can, wait for September to really start looking for employment. August is slow season in recruitment because people are still on vacation while September is the last month of the quarter, so recruiters have targets to reach for the projects scheduled to start in Q4.

Re: How I regained concentration and focus

#179
post #157

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Maybe. Maybe not. But no matter what those other people do, they’ll never ever be able to get more youthful, energetic years with their children and (hopefully) grandchildren. All that money and even Elon can’t buy time. I had kids relatively young for a yuppie male (27) and while that was 100% the “right time” I would have done it earlier if I had known how great they are.

I’m really struggling with this right now. I’m turning 33 next month and really want children. I have endless memories of my dad and grandfathers teaching me amazing lessons and being best/strongest men I have ever been around. I want to fulfill that role that for someone! We didn’t have much money but camping or diy building is something fondly reminisce on and made me who I am. My partner is 25 and is not decided o…

You should find a new partner.

Re: How I regained concentration and focus

#180
post #140

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My phone is always on mute (no vibrate either) Only alarms to wake up

Having a family and responsibilities made this infeasible for me. Most apps on my phone are denied notifications, but people can still text/call me.

If wife is nice, she can be whitelisted, no?
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