I am lonely will anyone speak to me • Hacker News Board

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#171

Post by [deleted] » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 11:02 AM UTC

pksebben wrote: post #142

Geminidog wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>but it's a fairly toxic pattern to make categorical statements about "what women want" or "what men are like" when the spread of human character is so broad. It depends on your definition of toxic and your definition of truth. The belief that categorical statements have zero relevance in this world is an ideal that is just too unlikely to be true. Broad statements can be made about both men and women. For example Wo…

This smacks of so much hubris. What you are doing is attempting to simplify and reduce a set of interactions that are so incredibly complex that you have no hope of understanding them in their entirety. Can you point out specific differences between the sexes? Of course. The problem lies in attempting to draw conclusions about complex systems (human behavior / interaction) that map neatly to simple concepts (how big…

[deleted]

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#172

Post by Geminidog » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 11:02 AM UTC

pksebben wrote: post #142

Geminidog wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>but it's a fairly toxic pattern to make categorical statements about "what women want" or "what men are like" when the spread of human character is so broad. It depends on your definition of toxic and your definition of truth. The belief that categorical statements have zero relevance in this world is an ideal that is just too unlikely to be true. Broad statements can be made about both men and women. For example Wo…

This smacks of so much hubris. What you are doing is attempting to simplify and reduce a set of interactions that are so incredibly complex that you have no hope of understanding them in their entirety. Can you point out specific differences between the sexes? Of course. The problem lies in attempting to draw conclusions about complex systems (human behavior / interaction) that map neatly to simple concepts (how big…

https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/10.1098/rspb.2017.181...

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/014616720730302...

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#173

Post by imtringued » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 11:03 AM UTC

roflc0ptic wrote: post #86

Pfhreak wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Citation needed. Complaining is one thing, sure, but expressing a wide range of emotions (including healthy expressions of sadness, frustration, fear, etc.) is considered pretty positive and good by the women I know. Crying is important, normal, and healthy.

There actually is research about men and women both turning away from men who are seeking emotional support. College age researchees, so YMMV. Research is referenced in Terrence real’s “I don’t want to talk about it.” Basically you have to learn to express emotions in the right way, and to the right people, at the right time. I had to train my therapist girlfriend not to freak out when I have strong, negative feeling…

That's interesting. So you are basically saying anger is the only socially accepted way of expressing these suppressed emotions?

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#174

Post by watwut » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 11:05 AM UTC

barry-cotter wrote: post #167

watwut wrote: post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't see how i could go to bowling league regularly and simultaneously keep full time job, be actual non absent parent for kids and maintain at least some relationship with extended family. Bowling social clubs assume everyone has a lot of free time, does not have small kids or offloaded all kids care on partner.

Are you assuming a full time job means 60 hours a week?

No, I am assuming 40-45 hours not counting lunch and transport to/ from work.I am assuming you shop, eat dinner, take showers and sleep. I am assuming that you take kids outside, feed them half time, interact with them, take them from kindergarten, ensure homework is done and generally raise them.

I am assuming that sometimes you need to be alone and just rest too. You can't spend all the time in obligations only without your moods being affected.

With 60 hours a week, the above itself is limited. Even without bowling league, with that much working you don't do anything else, you are work only person basically.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#175

Post by manigandham » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 11:05 AM UTC

watermelon59 wrote: post #138

Geminidog wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>but it's a fairly toxic pattern to make categorical statements about "what women want" or "what men are like" when the spread of human character is so broad. It depends on your definition of toxic and your definition of truth. The belief that categorical statements have zero relevance in this world is an ideal that is just too unlikely to be true. Broad statements can be made about both men and women. For example Wo…

You are probably not wrong in your statements about biology influencing behavior, but in my opinion that kind of thinking ignores the fact that we humans are capable of recognizing all of that and acting upon it. We do not have to succumb to our natural baggage. The problem with making and accepting general statements about the behavior of men and women is that it leads to an incredibly exclusionary society where onl…

All of your comments on this page mention JP. Why? Nothing he says is revolutionary. In fact, it's just his unique take on the wisdom of "being responsible for your own life", something which is shared by many others from military leaders to cancer survivors.

Being confident and competent in life will only improve it, and it's so universal that it applies to anyone regardless of race, gender, creed, or physicality.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#176

Post by tailspin2019 » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 11:14 AM UTC

DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

> Signaling desperation attracts predators far more often than it attracts real friends.

I think this can depend on your situation and the type of people who you have around you.

I'd be tempted to slightly nuance this as:

"Signaling desperation can attract predators more often than it attracts real friends."

This may not be the case for some, and personally I wouldn't want a universal message of "don't signal desperation" to be heard.

I do accept it will depend on whether those around you have your best interests at heart and will provide support, or whether you're in a situation where more caution needs to be taken (which I guess may reflect the situation you were in).

That said, I agree with many of your other points and I'm very happy for you that you seem to have moved past some of your struggles, to the point that you are now able to write this very thoughtful and valuable advice for others going through the same things!

Edit: typo

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#177

Post by imtringued » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 11:23 AM UTC

hiddencost wrote: post #13

tonymet wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Does this number actually help? It’s shared kind of automatically but I find it trivializes suicide

I've volunteered fairly regularly on one of the member hotlines, and have personally attempted suicide. Out of 1000 calls I had one person attempt, maybe 10 people decide not to attempt, and the rest were just people who were anxious or sad or scared and were having thoughts. There's a very broad spectrum, and for someone who is hopeless or just lonely and sad, talking to a caring human who listens and is comfortable…

The closer people are to actually attempt the suicide the harder it is to help them. I wouldn't consider a low rate of people openly admitting that they want to kill themselves to be a failure of the program.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#178

Post by scrollaway » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 11:46 AM UTC

jayski wrote: post #90

I struggled with loneliness and depression for almost a decade. Im now married have a beautiful son, and a great social life, I can tell you the secret and its easy: excercise. Thats all there is to it. Dont sign up for a gym membership and show up there confused and intimidated. join some sort of excercise class; crossfit, spinning,jiu jitsu, yoga. I promise, it wont be overnight, but it will be FAST. you will feel…

Ice skating (figure skating specifically) was my revelation. Your post rings very true.

Unfortunately, due to COVID, all the rinks in the country are closed (and most annoyingly, they are extremely safe places... Despite that, much riskier places such as swimming pools are open). And having what became such a huge part of your life ripped away for an indefinite time is completely harrowing.

Sure, I miss bars, hangouts with friends, board game meetups, cinemas... But I don't just miss the rink. I am in complete withdrawal. And psychologically, it's really, really hard to cope with not being able to go.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#179

Post by bluepoint » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 11:49 AM UTC

I am sorry this is out of topic, but does anyone else wonder if wikipedia is the right place for such articles? It feels like wikipedia is becoming some kind of mirror of blogs instead of a repository of distilled knowledge. Am I wrong?

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#180

Post by roflc0ptic » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 11:52 AM UTC

mnsc wrote: post #136

roflc0ptic wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There actually is research about men and women both turning away from men who are seeking emotional support. College age researchees, so YMMV. Research is referenced in Terrence real’s “I don’t want to talk about it.” Basically you have to learn to express emotions in the right way, and to the right people, at the right time. I had to train my therapist girlfriend not to freak out when I have strong, negative feeling…

>Basically you have to learn to express emotions in the right way, and to the right people, at the right time. > a huge part of it was just a fundamental misread I think you are on to something in the first part about you yourself learning stuff but in the last part you just put the burden of those around you. My take is that men in general lack training in identifying/naming their own feelings/emotions. Then when yo…

You're rather jumping to unfounded conclusions. I can assure you that I communicated directly and clearly what my emotional state was, why I was behaving the way I was behaving, and actively tried to avoid inflicting my feelings on other people by being non-expressive.

An example of an action I took that one person considered "aggressive" and "abusive": There were three couches, shaped in a U configuration. Ex and friends were sitting on one couch. Someone else invited me over to sit on another couch. I came over, sat quietly for about 60 seocnds, decided, you know, I'd rather be somewhere else, and walked away.

This isn't to say I bear no responsibility in how things played out, but the bits I'm disclosing here, even in context, are wild misunderstandings, and when I explained myself I was met with distrust and suspicion. We were in a rental cabin; physical proximity was unavoidable. It wasn't even clearly distressing to my ex, just her white knight friend.