Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Being kind to others is good for your health

bbc.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

171–180 of 277 posts

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#171

Post by whiddershins »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…

As a native New Yorker I resemble that remark :-)

I will say the opposite can also be frustrating. People conflate niceness with kindness or even worse, morality. Being gruff isn’t intrinsically immoral. Being super “nice” isn’t intrinsically moral.

This might sound like some sort of rationalization for bad behavior, but I don’t think so. When you optimize you have to have at minimum a hierarchy of optimization goals. At some point, one goal WILL conflict with another. This means that conflating niceness with morality will inevitably lead to misguided and immoral/unethical behavior.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#173

Post by testxyz »

whiddershins wrote: post #171
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…

As a native New Yorker I resemble that remark :-) I will say the opposite can also be frustrating. People conflate niceness with kindness or even worse, morality. Being gruff isn’t intrinsically immoral. Being super “nice” isn’t intrinsically moral. This might sound like some sort of rationalization for bad behavior, but I don’t think so. When you optimize you have to have at minimum a hierarchy of optimization goals…

Testing please ignore

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#174

Post by anonytrary »

xyzelement wrote: post #165
anonytrary wrote: post #143

In my experience, being kind results in self-interested people taking advantage of you. People who want to climb the corporate ladder often prey on the kind, so I feel that kindness is "taught out" of people. There is a fine line between being kind and being a doormat. I don't really know where the line is though.

I made a similar comment above but it's -all about- that line. AKA boundaries. If you are clear on what's OK with you and what's not OK, then you are liberated to be kind and generous as long as people are on the OK side. If that line is blurry, you end up oscillating between doormat and asshole and it's just an unhealthy place (speaking from past experience.)

Same, definitely have come off as an asshole saying "no" before. Saying "no" is an art, indeed, easier when you know where that line is.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#175

Post by xyzelement »

Defaulting to generosity - while operating with healthy boundaries - is by far the most beneficial mindset.

The alternatives are:

Victim. "I am too weak and poor to help anyone but I expect people to help me." This belief corrodes you.

Stoic(can't think of a better word.) "I don't help anyone and therefore I don't expect anyone to help me". Well, better than the victim but ends up passing up many opportunities where others are genuinely ready to help.

Abuser "I don't bother to help others but I take advantage of them" - becomes obvious very quickly and you are ostracized and hated.

Doormat "I help everyone but because I don't have healthy boundaries, I end up attracting abusers and victims." Gross.

The "best people" are clear and confident with their boundaries and generous with their time and resources when people are on the right side of the boundary. I see this a lot with truly successful senior managers and businesspeople, for example.

Even in politics, when a candidate runs for office, they want to tell stories of "X came to me and needed help and I really took the time to hear them and help them (kindness). Then Y came and they sought to rip us off and I told them to go fuck themselves (boundaries)." We seek that as species, we expect that out of the best among us, and therefore we reward those who operate from this place (and it's good for lots of other reasons.)

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#176

Post by Balgair »

randycupertino wrote: post #154
cosmodisk wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While I appreciate the usefulness of such observational skills and I can do it to a decent degree, I tend not to most of the time. I just switch it off.I don't want to live my life where every interaction is some spy game or thriller,where everyone in the room scans each other for clues. Having said that, I must admit that observational skills pulled me out of very very difficult situations a few times.

> I don't want to live my life where every interaction is some spy game or thriller,where everyone in the room scans each other for clues. I had a coworker with this mindset and it seemed incredibly tiring on her mindset. She would routinely total up the cost of the exec's outfits and jewelry/shoes/purse and also always be measuring herself against everyone else in the meeting room. Who hadn't brushed their hair, who…

The trick is see such things, gain that information, and then choose to use the data in a way that is nice for the person. That is one element of kindness.

For the facelift example, you notice it, and then remark about how youthful the director looks in that new shirt. For the shoes example, you notice it and then remark about their good fashion sense. For the hair example, you go to them and see how the home life is going (colicky kids, a new medical diagnosis, a death in the family, or pure unawareness, etc)

It may seem like 'pandering', but only if you do it to people who can give you a raise. You have to do it for the janitors, bus-drivers, and bar-tenders too. Because you want everyone's life to be a bit better that day.

It's kinda like being a culty-mad-scientist. You have to have all the knowledge, the years of experiments, the cash flow, the ancient texts, the elaboratory. It takes a lot to awake the elder god from it's slumber. But the most crucial step, and the last one at that, is the smarts to know to not to wake up the eldrich world ending demon at all.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#177

Post by torresmo »

mewpmewp2 wrote: post #14

They mention only controlling for health reasons. How do they control for that? Is it even realistic to control all the health reasons? And what about thousands of other things, such as 1) People who like to take high risks, might be less keen on communal activities, like volunteering. 2) People who have bad habits might also be less likely to volunteer. 3) Depressed, stressed out, cynical people may be less likely t…

> 4) Poor people are less likely to donate and also have lower life expectancy.

Poor people seems to be quite generous [1].

[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-science-behind-b...

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#178

Post by ryder9 »

Balgair wrote: post #176
randycupertino wrote: post #154

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I don't want to live my life where every interaction is some spy game or thriller,where everyone in the room scans each other for clues. I had a coworker with this mindset and it seemed incredibly tiring on her mindset. She would routinely total up the cost of the exec's outfits and jewelry/shoes/purse and also always be measuring herself against everyone else in the meeting room. Who hadn't brushed their hair, who…

The trick is see such things, gain that information, and then choose to use the data in a way that is nice for the person. That is one element of kindness. For the facelift example, you notice it, and then remark about how youthful the director looks in that new shirt. For the shoes example, you notice it and then remark about their good fashion sense. For the hair example, you go to them and see how the home life is…

i think it's rude to point out someone's plastic surgery, no?

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#180

Post by metta2uall »

fritex wrote: post #179

Was kind for 5-6 years, but found out It drained me out. Sorry, but I won't be this time, this year, later, ever again so much to so many people.

Perhaps you spent so much energy being kind to others that you forgot to be more kind to yourself?
Post reply on HN