The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much • Hacker News Board

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#171

Post by joezydeco » Wed, Feb 16, 2011, 2:43 AM UTC

_h4xr wrote: post #26

jedsmith wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

[citation needed]

I recommend The Red Queen if you want to start learning about this. The short answer: men largely choose mates based on looks; women choose based more on social status. Signalling low social status reduces male attractiveness; signalling high social status raises it. n = 1, but this has worked for me. Deliberately act like you can take it or leave it, and you're unlikely to be left. (And note that women initiate the…

So let's turn it back to Hacker News for a moment.

You're slaving away in a startup, working insane hours and getting paid way less than what you're worth. There's equity in there somewhere. Maybe. You've finished up another 12 hour day and there's the wife glaring at you at the kitchen table: "When is this job going to get us somewhere? Why can't we be doing/having like your friend Bob who works at ?"

The social status thing makes sense. And you're working your ass off to try to make that next step up, or cash out, or whatever.

So what do you tell her in return?

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#172

Post by loewenskind » Wed, Feb 16, 2011, 8:01 AM UTC

jobrahms wrote: post #160

loewenskind wrote: post #140

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Happy wife = happy life I hate this phrase, it's the battle cry of those who do whatever their wife says and laugh with their buddies about how whipped they are. Marriage is a balancing act. Of course you have to change and give in where appropriate but if you do everything she says she wants you will lower her opinion of you (as it should, since you're a coward).

Happy wife = happy life only works if your wife thinks "Happy husband = happy life". The premise of the phrase, for me, is that you're actually married to the right person. But way to read too far into a silly little phrase and call me a coward, Mr. Anonymous Internet Man.

Looks like you're getting a bit defensive for some reason. I was using "you" as a generic pronoun (I could have said "one would be" instead but that's more wordy and is IMO less clear).

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#173

Post by momotomo » Wed, Feb 16, 2011, 8:45 AM UTC

tertius wrote: post #166

momotomo wrote: post #132

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In my experience if I'm her largest influence, then something's gone horribly wrong. I don't mean to be offensive, but this concept sounds more like codependency than a partnership.

Well, I can balance it by saying that largest doesn't mean only.

Yeah, sorry my initial reply was borderline knee jerk. I'm even questionable on even largest, but it's all on the back of my own experience.

The successful relationships I've had were always ones where my partner had their own, multiple criteria for happiness. I want to be at most say, a third of someone's life and contribute as much to their emotional state.

Between work, hobbies, social circles, working out, etc etc, I've always found relationships to fit into that but they place about no. 3-4, and anecdotally, its always made for better outcomes. When they hit no. 1 or 2, it means we're both giving up on something that's a significant part of our character, and I've never found it to be a positive indicator.

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#174

Post by Psyonic » Wed, Feb 16, 2011, 6:30 PM UTC

georgieporgie wrote: post #138

haploid wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I edited my post. The hipster reference was not constructive. Re: fat nerds and social value: In 2011, "fat nerds" can wield quite a bit of financial power. This can make them attractive to females by virtue of the fact that they can be utilized as resource providers for their future offspring. However, it should be noted that sexual attraction and attraction to resources are generally two independent drives in femal…

> In 2011, "fat nerds" can wield quite a bit of financial power. While that's true, "fat nerds" (or skinny nerds, or greasy nerds) don't generally do things which display this power. I've met nerds who are effectively retired at 30, fat and happy, who are entirely off the radar of women looking at suits, cars, and Stanford MBA attitudes. My point is that even though socially we understand that "nerds" have good odds…

It's a bit oversimplified, but thinking of there being four areas helps for me. Physical, mental, financial, and emotional/relational. "Nerds" tend to do fine in the financial and mental areas, but they are generally lacking in the physical, and tend to be terrible at relational (which is arguably the most important for attracting women.)

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#175

Post by Psyonic » Wed, Feb 16, 2011, 6:32 PM UTC

jscore wrote: post #71

yummyfajitas wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This works well for women, not so well for men. For men, typically making a visible effort will cause your spouse to perceive you as weak and low value. This will only make things worse.

You are correct, but it's a much more complicated topic (especially in the West). Reading a book won't reverse decades of cultural conditioning. I recommend getting a Brazilian or Colombian wife instead.

Or you can live up to the challenge posed by American women. If you can manage that, Brazilian and Columbian women will also be interested, so you'll get to pick.

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#176

Post by Psyonic » Wed, Feb 16, 2011, 6:36 PM UTC

bzbarsky wrote: post #127

marssaxman wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife and I just assign each job to whichever of us is less annoyed by having to do it, and somehow it all seems to balance out. She cleans the bathrooms and does the laundry, I sweep and vacuum and take out the trash, she makes the coffee in the morning and I turn off the lights at night. We certainly aim to be equal partners in our marriage, but instead of tallying everything up for some perfectly fair 50/50 divi…

> Sometimes the breakdown does look disturbingly similar to > the old traditional gender roles That seems somewhat inevitable. A lot of those gender roles are there precisely for comparative advantage and "do the thing that annoys you less" reasons. It just happens that statistically fewer men are annoyed by trash (e.g. they never get pregnant, so don't have months-long periods when they just can't deal with it at al…

Excuse my ignorance, but why does being pregnant specifically cause an aversion to taking out the trash? The smell?

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#177

Post by eapen » Thu, Feb 17, 2011, 7:19 AM UTC

My wife's take: "huh! Didn't care much for the article coz though she makes some good points, I felt like it's putting it all on the woman!! Even if she says "spouse" several times, it's like she's saying spouse, but meaning wife... I have to agree with her sister about trying to put women back 50 years!! Not surprising you, meaning a guy, would like it though!! ;-D It has everything a husband would want his ideal wife to do!"

Re: The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

#178

Post by bzbarsky » Tue, Mar 01, 2011, 5:26 AM UTC

Psyonic wrote: post #176

bzbarsky wrote: post #127

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Sometimes the breakdown does look disturbingly similar to > the old traditional gender roles That seems somewhat inevitable. A lot of those gender roles are there precisely for comparative advantage and "do the thing that annoys you less" reasons. It just happens that statistically fewer men are annoyed by trash (e.g. they never get pregnant, so don't have months-long periods when they just can't deal with it at al…

Excuse my ignorance, but why does being pregnant specifically cause an aversion to taking out the trash? The smell?

The smell is part of it. For some women also the sight, or even just the thought of either one. On average, pregnant women tend to react much more strongly to anything rotten or possibly-rotten; the details will tend to vary from person to person, of course.