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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#171
post #99

The puzzle is unsolvable if you ask why can't I find friends. Probably nothing wrong with you. The puzzle is instantly solvable if you ask why can't I be a good friend to others. Lets see, at age 19 I was juggling part time school, Army Reserves service, a grunt manual labor job, and an internship fake job, I was kinda busy. At age 22 I was working a semi-challenging full time programming job while still going to sch…

> but I could write for pages why I would be a terrible friend to someone who needed time And in the time it took you to write those pages you could have instead started the basis of a friendship with someone. Yes, you are terribly busy, but I guarantee you that there are people who are much busier than you who still maintain friendships. It sounds like you have already given up on making friends, but I hope that's n…

For me it's not the time to make a friend that's a problem, it's the time required to find someone worth being friends with. In fact in many ways I think posting on the internet is more enjoyable (in the short term) than trying to make a new friend because you can have good, yet ephemeral, conversations

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#172

Who wants friends over 30? I like to make friends with young people. In all seriousness, at 42 I really do prefer to hang out with 20-somethings because they’re fun.

Oh dear God, no. 20-somethings... have a bit of living to do before they're interesting.

Don't get me wrong, being 20 is awesome. When you're 20. Because you suddenly have so much freedom. But when you're in your 40s, that's not that exciting any more. Well, at least it isn't for me. I've done the crazy things, I know how they end. I like friends with a bit more perspective.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#173
post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Wow, you know that certainly made ME think and also made me flash back to the face my wife pulled when I remarked how my lack of friends doesn't bother me. Perhaps it should . I'm an immigrant too, although no language issues, so I have lots of friends in my home country and not many here, a lot of those were expats or work connected and the rest are via my wife and her work - she didn't grow up around here either bu…

I'm glad it made someone think :) This is one of my fastest upvoted comments ever. I think it struck a chord. There's no way of knowing whether it was men or women upvoting, but I have a feeling I'm not the only who has had these thoughts.

my guess is a fair amount of the upvotes were from men. deep down i think men do realize that we have gaps in our coping skills, but don't fully understand the cause.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#174

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. > “You meet someone really nice, but if they don’t r…

And to think that many lonely people have probably read this, thinking it's normal, adopting her practices...

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#175
Now there's something noticeable by its presence in a 2012 article - a Louis CK quote.

Anyway the article names various and sundry complicated and small manifestations of this phenomenon, but what's the big picture? Maybe making friends past a certain age is hard because it's unnatural and somewhat irrelevant? Maybe making friends is just another naturally- and reproductively-selected trait that helps with mating and is much less relevant otherwise. Meaning that wanting friends, results in having more friends, which means more hunting/foraging helpers and teachers of same, which makes you more likely to survive long enough to mate, and more likely to find a mate (since all your friends will have siblings etc., and the ones from outside your tribe are particularly valuable statistically/genetically speaking) and successfully pass that friendly tendency on to the next generation.

Or heck maybe wanting friends is an indirect and sublimated sexual urge in and of itself. It's not like homosexuality comes outta nowhere. And/or maybe being with one person is psychologically a surrogate or substitute for (or practice for later) being with your mate, just like owning a dog is to having children.

Anyway, once all the mating stuff is over with, maybe you're immune to it all. I don't have much to go on here, other than 1) my tendency to look to evolution and the Ape for explanations of human behavior, and 2) the fact that I noticed I lost interest in friends as soon as I found a mate I was happy with. And interestingly, being with the previous one, whom I wasn't happy with, didn't put a damper on my social tendencies at all. (But I was younger then too, so there's at least one confounding variable.)

Regardless, I suddenly notice there are large swathes of life that seem to be there only to trick you into mating. (That is, the ones that aren't there to trick you into giving someone money.)

(Some people use the one to accomplish the other.)

(And vice versa.)

But then you reach a point where you're immune to all that, and it's a relief. You can finally get on with it, whatever the "it" is in your life. We flatter ourselves that life is complicated, important and purposeful, but actually it's pretty simple and probably random. Life just wants us to mate & raise kids, and then after that, it could give a shit what we do. (As long as we keep out of the way of other people mating & raising kids, of course.) That semen/those eggs are just your genes heading for the lifeboats of a sinking ship. But that also means once you're freed from "life's plan for you," you can stop giving a shit right back, and finally do whatever you want!

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#176

I've just recently moved countries, and I've found that it's really difficult to actually meet people and make new friends, regardless of age. All my friends are also expats/immigrants. I don't like spending too much time around tech people, since I do that for 8 hours a day, so tech meetups are out of the question. I went to the hiking club, but the average age is like 50. Nightclubs just aren't the place to find fr…

> All my friends are also expats/immigrants.

I guess immigrants have it bit harder because you come from a different culture/language/race so connecting with natives is a bit hard and then you end up connecting with other immigrants.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#177

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As I noted later in my comment "unless one makes a concerted effort to seek out their tribe," which agrees with your point. That stated, this being a technical forum, many of us are Myers-Briggs (if you believe in it) INTJ types -- so yes, we do potentially lack the social skills. Moreover, I reflect upon my own adulthood, where for much of it I have risen before dawn to work, skipped lunches, returned home somewhere…

myer briggs is basically meaningless

Yup, it's just modern astrology. A bunch of stuff that is mostly kinda true about almost everybody or things that people want to believe about themselves. A lot of it is honestly just ego stroking. "You're usually not a risk taker, except when it's important." It's embarrassing how many people fall for it.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#178

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Congrats ( not sarc! )

Is there an operator/annotation that is the opposite of '/s', like I'm being genuine? !/s /g

(Clippy): it looks like you're trying to write a Perl program, how can I help?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#179

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"for much of it I have risen before dawn to work, skipped lunches, returned home somewhere in the evenings, by and large have been unable to take vacations" This is certainly nowhere close to the norm in europe. I only know a couple of people who work more than 40 hours a week (37.5 is standard in the UK), and they definitely take vacations.

Completely true, take everything I said and reverse it for Europe. But I'm referring to life in These United States, where we don't have health care, we don't have vacation, we don't have maternity leave, we have very little public transportation... ok, I'll just stop before I get out of control.

We have all of those things. We just have less of a "my neighbors should pay for it" viewpoint.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#180

I have tried to make guy friends and the main problem seems to be that they're boring. We just run out of stuff to talk about unless we have some business related stuff to talk about. I prefer lady friends ( AS IN FRIENDS WHO ARE FEMALE WHO I DO NOT HAVE A SEXUAL OR WORK RELATION WITH AND WHO I AM NOT TRYING TO DATE ) as there's always the flirty subtext to play around with and they are just pleasant to be around and…

I agree, we guys are quite boring and run out of stuff to talk about! And we interrupt each other, try to add our 2 cents all the time, dominating conversations. Women actually listens and are polite, and that enables deeper and more meaningful conversation. Much more pleasant to be friends with.
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