Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Always Invite Anna

sharif.io

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

161–170 of 183 posts

Re: Always Invite Anna

#161

Post by embeng4096 »

Aerbil313 wrote: post #136
waysa wrote: post #89

This is especially valuable for friends who struggle with depression. They almost never feel like going out because depression sucks out all their energy. But they'll appreciate the invite and that they're not forgotten. It's harder this way for them to isolate and go deeper down the spiral. One rule that helped me fight my depression was to accept invites no matter what. Go to the loud bar I don't like? I'm in. Cake…

I have a counter-anecdote. In order to get over my social anxiety I did the same. First year of college, I'm in to every event, hangout and gathering. I made many close friends, connections, memories. Yet after any significant social interaction I was somehow, inexplicably, almost mysteriously, extremely exhausted. A lunch with few close friends would have me resting on the couch for a few hours afterwards. A meetup…

Wow, I really relate to this. It got to the point where I was reading self-help about social skills and such, and tried to follow the "always say yes" like you did and "never eat alone" type fluff advice. People had lots of good things to say about me, and I even tried doing things like writing those things down in a gratitude journal or taking screenshots of the texts, etc, to help shift my mindset (unsuccessfully). I still have the low self-confidence and people-pleasing you talk about to this day.

To your last point, I'm feeling much better when not pushing myself so hard to be social but the question I'm grappling with now is somewhat selfish but about how to make sure I have support? E.g. I had a friend who just went through a cancer diagnosis and a lot of us friends and his community rallied for him. It also made me wonder about what happens if I get very sick, or lose my job and don't have a professional network to reach out to or personal/friendship support, or just if my car breaks down at 1am or something, or just being very lonely without real close friends.

How are you reconciling this sort of thing in your own life?

Re: Always Invite Anna

#162

Post by bshacklett »

carlosjobim wrote: post #141
bshacklett wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And yet, at the end of the day, I always sleep better knowing that I put the effort in to be a good person, even if it didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. I get the cynicism; it’s easy to feel like the world is just full of uncaring people sometimes. But, does adding one more help?

You aren't a good person for being subservient. You are a bad person, because you are enabling bad people. Evil is in most cases a Yin/Yang system of abuser and willing victim. Both are dependent on each other for their common goal of creating evil in this world. The abuser from primitive motives: "I have to do it to them, because if I'm not an abuser, somebody will make me a victim." The willing victim because he th…

There’s a lot of pain and anger in this reply. I’m sorry you have had to experience whatever has led you here.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#163

Post by OkayPhysicist »

yazaddaruvala wrote: post #98
waysa wrote: post #89

This is especially valuable for friends who struggle with depression. They almost never feel like going out because depression sucks out all their energy. But they'll appreciate the invite and that they're not forgotten. It's harder this way for them to isolate and go deeper down the spiral. One rule that helped me fight my depression was to accept invites no matter what. Go to the loud bar I don't like? I'm in. Cake…

I think one of the most important lessons in life (even as a healthy person) is realizing “motivation and action are cyclically causal” Of course “action follows motivation” but even when not motivated “motivation follows action”. For example, even as a healthy person I am not always motivated to go to the gym after a busy day at work which I am “so tired from”. I go dispite the lack of motivation. Unsurprisingly, I…

You can take advantage of this phenomenon to snowball small actions into bigger ones, too. To get into the habit of working out, I started going to the gym everyday. I didn't work out everyday, but the act of going out of my way to be at the gym lent me the motivation to actually work out more often than not.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#164

Post by kixiQu »

majkinetor wrote: post #59
kixiQu wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why is it safe to say that would be exceptional rather than representative? (Couldn't I just as easily claim it's safe to say it's representative rather than exceptional?)

Because it's much, much more probable that person does not act in a convoluted way.

Appreciating invitations that you don't accept is something many (as, obviously, many in this comment section) do not consider convoluted.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#165

Post by MollyRealized »

Person A declines Group B's invite.

Group B thinks that it's a desire-based decision: that Person A does not want to participate.

They don't always realize - because for many, this simply doesn't "track" - that Person A may simply consider themselves unworthy.

This is something I think I am learning now, painfully late. I'm 51. I think I'm beginning to realize that I was a feral kitten for much of my life, claw-swiping at the milk syringe out of fear when people were trying to be nice to me.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#166

Post by OkayPhysicist »

ryandrake wrote: post #75
the_snooze wrote: post #73

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Extending an invitation is indeed a kindness. But repeatedly declining them signals that the invitations are unwelcome and unvalued. It's really that simple. Relationships aren't one-sided.

Coincidentally, I just had a conversation with my wife about this. She likes doing girls-night with her friends, but she gets frustrated that nobody else prompts it. They always say yes, and they always have a good time, but she complains that it’s always her doing the inviting, and that it’s one-sided. To me, a relationship doesn’t need two people to maintain and keep it going: it only really needs one, so be that o…

In my experience, it takes two people, but they're not necessarily playing the same role. Social circles are maintained amongst pretty much any group that has at least one person who is willing to take the initiative to invite people to things, and at least one person who almost always says "yes" to invitations.

I tend to take a relatively Stirnerite view of it: As long as I'm getting more enjoyment out of hanging out with someone than the effort of inviting them, I'll keep inviting them even if they never proactively invite me to do stuff, because it's still in my self-interest. If someone always says "Hell yeah", or at least "Can't do it that day, how about this other day", then the negatives of slight inconvenience of planning are wildly dwarfed by the positive of hanging out with this person I like to hang out with. If they say no frequently, then I'm experiencing far more negatives (beyond the linear scaling of energy to invite per frequency of meetups, rejection is a big demotivator).

Re: Always Invite Anna

#167

Post by yazaddaruvala »

OkayPhysicist wrote: post #163
yazaddaruvala wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think one of the most important lessons in life (even as a healthy person) is realizing “motivation and action are cyclically causal” Of course “action follows motivation” but even when not motivated “motivation follows action”. For example, even as a healthy person I am not always motivated to go to the gym after a busy day at work which I am “so tired from”. I go dispite the lack of motivation. Unsurprisingly, I…

You can take advantage of this phenomenon to snowball small actions into bigger ones, too. To get into the habit of working out, I started going to the gym everyday. I didn't work out everyday, but the act of going out of my way to be at the gym lent me the motivation to actually work out more often than not.

Facts!

I now get to the gym (or some form of exercise) 6 days a week. That was entirely because I made the decision to go to the gym and watch some YouTube.

Then I’d end up staying 90 mins but I’d get my 50 min workout in with a lot of long breaks! Then things started becoming a habit but I still have many days where I just watch YouTube at the gym lol

Re: Always Invite Anna

#168

Post by carlosjobim »

bshacklett wrote: post #162
carlosjobim wrote: post #141

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You aren't a good person for being subservient. You are a bad person, because you are enabling bad people. Evil is in most cases a Yin/Yang system of abuser and willing victim. Both are dependent on each other for their common goal of creating evil in this world. The abuser from primitive motives: "I have to do it to them, because if I'm not an abuser, somebody will make me a victim." The willing victim because he th…

There’s a lot of pain and anger in this reply. I’m sorry you have had to experience whatever has led you here.

Not at all. It's a reflection on human behaviour, in the content that the other commenter said that you shouldn't concern yourself with bad actors as long as you can later say that "you did the right thing". That can bring you to bad situations, as another poster warned about above.

Taking care to not be an abuser and to not be a victim is rather the best path, even if it demands more from the person. It's easy to just do what others tell you, but it will soon bring misery.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#169

Post by matheusmoreira »

bshacklett wrote: post #130
matheusmoreira wrote: post #78

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Life is not a game where people build up points with you and you start to be kind to them only if they maintain themselves above a threshold. Be careful. It is trivial for others to take advantage of such selfless kindness. Ingratitude is common, as is sociopathy. Altruists often discover that the world does not reciprocate.

And yet, at the end of the day, I always sleep better knowing that I put the effort in to be a good person, even if it didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. I get the cynicism; it’s easy to feel like the world is just full of uncaring people sometimes. But, does adding one more help?

It's that hope that things will work out that causes suffering and disappointment.

"I'll be nice, and others will be nice in turn" is magical thinking. There is no such deal in place.

It's perfectly possible for others to soak up all that niceness and then suddenly leave without being equally nice in return. If pressed, they might even say they didn't ask for the goodness that befell them, they were just happy to accept when it was offered, thereby absolving themselves of any obligation.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#170

Post by jacquesm »

efsavage wrote: post #36
BeetleB wrote: post #29

By the time you get to my age, your list of potential Anna's will be in the high dozens. You simply cannot keep this up with all the Anna's. A lot of people genuinely don't want to hang out with you. Likely that number exceeds the "real" Anna's by an order of magnitude. If there's someone I particularly like, I'll keep inviting him. But if the person is otherwise normal (e.g. clearly has a social life), I invite 3-5…

I overheard two very outgoing co-workers once, where one asked the other if he was having his holiday party. "It was last weekend", he said. "Oh, I didn't get an invite" "That's because you never come" She looked shocked, I think she genuinely didn't know what to say. After an awkward silence she said, "but I liked to be invited" "I'll happily invite you next year if you promise to come" She smiled politely and walke…

You can't feel powerful by rejecting an invitation that you never receive in the first place.
Post reply on HN