The Never Married, a New Normal • Hacker News Board

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#161

Post by emodendroket » Mon, May 29, 2023, 2:55 AM UTC

orangepurple wrote: post #158

adam_arthur wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why commingle finances at all? A large percentage of divorces are due to financial disagreements... joint accounts have proven to be a failed model at scale. If you want to share money, have separate accounts and transfer money between them as needed/on a schedule. No room for impropriety/mistrust. Everybody has autonomy. If we choose to be realistic, rather than idealistic, we would recognize that a large percentage…

> Why commingle finances at all? Stay at home moms which take care of multiple children full time typically do not earn an income

Even failing that I think you’d get into a lot of ticky-tack calculations about who pays for shoes or school supplies or whatever.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#162

Post by noirbot » Mon, May 29, 2023, 2:55 AM UTC

paulryanrogers wrote: post #19

0xB31B1B wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Married people report significantly higher levels of happiness/life satisfaction in the middle and later stages of life than non married people. This is a durable finding across many studies.

Compared to people in cohabitating couples? Are singles included? It could also be that people who are generally happier tend to be those to get/stay married. I also wonder if there is some sunk cost psychology involved when surveying those later in life.

Yea, I'd assume the chronically unhappy/depressed are probably less likely to find a long-term partner than average.

It would potentially be also interesting to control for sexual activity? Presumably most married couples were sexually active together at some point, which I'd assume generally increases happiness.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#163

Post by BobbyJo » Mon, May 29, 2023, 2:56 AM UTC

orangepurple wrote: post #158

adam_arthur wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why commingle finances at all? A large percentage of divorces are due to financial disagreements... joint accounts have proven to be a failed model at scale. If you want to share money, have separate accounts and transfer money between them as needed/on a schedule. No room for impropriety/mistrust. Everybody has autonomy. If we choose to be realistic, rather than idealistic, we would recognize that a large percentage…

> Why commingle finances at all? Stay at home moms which take care of multiple children full time typically do not earn an income

Then work out a way to divide income ahead of time rather than quibble after the fact? That's what me and my wife do.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#164

Post by ceejayoz » Mon, May 29, 2023, 2:57 AM UTC

orangepurple wrote: post #160

adam_arthur wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why commingle finances at all? A large percentage of divorces are due to financial disagreements... joint accounts have proven to be a failed model at scale. If you want to share money, have separate accounts and transfer money between them as needed/on a schedule. No room for impropriety/mistrust. Everybody has autonomy. If we choose to be realistic, rather than idealistic, we would recognize that a large percentage…

> Yet people with kids get divorced all the time anyway. This ruins the child

So does an unhappy marriage.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#165

Post by emodendroket » Mon, May 29, 2023, 2:57 AM UTC

adam_arthur wrote: post #156

emodendroket wrote: post #127

> Cohabitation has become a popular alternative; living together is a less complicated relationship model that comes with an easy escape hatch (compared with marriage) if the relationship fails This seems like a bit of a false promise... Once you commingle finances, own a house together, have children, and so on, there's no "easy escape hatch." Plus thinking of having an "easy escape hatch" probably does not do wonde…

Why commingle finances at all? A large percentage of divorces are due to financial disagreements... joint accounts have proven to be a failed model at scale. If you want to share money, have separate accounts and transfer money between them as needed/on a schedule. No room for impropriety/mistrust. Everybody has autonomy. If we choose to be realistic, rather than idealistic, we would recognize that a large percentage…

I think having separate finances just changes the type of financial argument you’ll have.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#166

Post by adam_arthur » Mon, May 29, 2023, 2:58 AM UTC

orangepurple wrote: post #158

adam_arthur wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why commingle finances at all? A large percentage of divorces are due to financial disagreements... joint accounts have proven to be a failed model at scale. If you want to share money, have separate accounts and transfer money between them as needed/on a schedule. No room for impropriety/mistrust. Everybody has autonomy. If we choose to be realistic, rather than idealistic, we would recognize that a large percentage…

> Why commingle finances at all? Stay at home moms which take care of multiple children full time typically do not earn an income

Then they have their own account that you transfer $X/month into. If you can't agree as a couple on what each person should be spending, then the relationship is on bad footing to begin with.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#167

Post by ajkjk » Mon, May 29, 2023, 2:59 AM UTC

cultofmetatron wrote: post #142

throwaway1492 wrote: post #49

I’ll risk it and defend marriage to this crowd. To me getting married was about getting out of myself. As someone who got married later in life, I’d spent decades living only for myself, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Relationships were shallow and lasted only so long as convenient. By choosing to get married and intentional build a family, I knew I was sacrificing a lot of ego and choosing to give…

[flagged]

well if those are your beliefs about marriage then it's no surprise you don't like it, but they don't.. have to be... your beliefs. Huge numbers of people would vehemently argue with you if you said those beliefs in front of them. Maybe you should give them a chance to convince you otherwise?

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#168

Post by noirbot » Mon, May 29, 2023, 2:59 AM UTC

dleslie wrote: post #45

dzogchen wrote: post #2

In the Netherlands, there is virtually no societal difference between people that are in a long-term relationship and live together, and married people. To the point that people call themselves husband and wife if they technically 'just' live together. My German girlfriend was shocked to learn this, in other countries (and cultures) marriage really is more of a 'thing'.

In BC, Canada, there is no practical legal difference between marriage and long term cohabitation. Not getting married and living together is rather normal, and comes with the same risk of financial segmentation and alimony or child support.

Curious question - does this take effect for all couples/groups? I've been roommates with people for 3+ years before with no sexual/romantic interest. Would I be considered married to them in BC? Is this different for same-sex pairings?

What if three people cohabitate for an extended period? Are they all married to each other?

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#169

Post by emodendroket » Mon, May 29, 2023, 2:59 AM UTC

BobbyJo wrote: post #163

orangepurple wrote: post #158

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Why commingle finances at all? Stay at home moms which take care of multiple children full time typically do not earn an income

Then work out a way to divide income ahead of time rather than quibble after the fact? That's what me and my wife do.

My wife and I have just had joint accounts forever and it’s worked out great for us. There must be more than anecdote to go with if we want to have this argument “rationally.” Though if I’m being honest, it has more to do with my ideal of what a committed relationship is about than rational considerations.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#170

Post by emodendroket » Mon, May 29, 2023, 3:01 AM UTC

adam_arthur wrote: post #166

orangepurple wrote: post #158

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Why commingle finances at all? Stay at home moms which take care of multiple children full time typically do not earn an income

Then they have their own account that you transfer $X/month into. If you can't agree as a couple on what each person should be spending, then the relationship is on bad footing to begin with.

I think this creates an uncomfortable/unequal situation for the non working partner as you’ve essentially set yourself up as an authority figure over them rather than an equal.