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Tell HN: Sometimes you don't realise how bad something is until you leave
161–170 of 224 posts
Re: Tell HN: Sometimes you don't realise how bad something is until you leave
#162> Looking back at it I knew my time was up a long time ago but I didn't have the courage to jump. This is the crux of the problem. A job is a job, just move on.
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Re: Tell HN: Sometimes you don't realise how bad something is until you leave
#163My son had a cartoonishly mean 4th grade teacher this year. Saccharine sweet to the parents, but berated my son daily. We pulled him out of the school over winter break, and he is so much happier already. He wakes up with a smile on his face again.
Tell the principal, it might correalate with others and get the toxic f'r out before he really screws some kids up.
Re: Tell HN: Sometimes you don't realise how bad something is until you leave
#164Went through something similar. Just want to die most of the time now.
You deserve better.
Re: Tell HN: Sometimes you don't realise how bad something is until you leave
#165Earlier quoted context omitted.
I resonate with this so much! I've been bashing my head against red tape for the last 3 years. It's totally demoralizing, and has messed me up pretty good. I know what I'm capable of, and when I compare it to what I've done lately, it just crushes my spirit.
You're gaining a skill, though. For example, in future interviews, you will see obvious red flags that indicate a similar environment. Being able to gracefully navigate bureaucracy and not get burnt out by it is a very underrated skill.
Up to a point.
Re: Tell HN: Sometimes you don't realise how bad something is until you leave
#166My son had a cartoonishly mean 4th grade teacher this year. Saccharine sweet to the parents, but berated my son daily. We pulled him out of the school over winter break, and he is so much happier already. He wakes up with a smile on his face again.
Tell the principal, it might correalate with others and get the toxic f'r out before he really screws some kids up.
We did. It’s a private school and they sweep everything under the rug. The other parents know she’s not a great teacher, but she was making an example of my kid in particular.
Re: Tell HN: Sometimes you don't realise how bad something is until you leave
#167Earlier quoted context omitted.
Treat the symptom, technically. The problem is a toxic working environment. The meta problem is handwaving away too many toxic working environments with "the root cause of the problem is solved because the victims can get therapy"
The actual root of the problem is the employee's own thinking. They don't have the self respect to exit a bad situation. They are paralyzed by low self esteem, fear of the unknown, and seem to be content being in a bad situation. The reasons are readily unclear to the person experiencing this and so they continue to go through this. A therapist will simply ask pointed questions like "how do you feel about [topic]?" A…
I would just like to die now.
I wish I’d left.
It can get bad if you stay. Take everything.
Re: Tell HN: Sometimes you don't realise how bad something is until you leave
#168Thank you for sharing. Very happy that you got out of that toxic environment. Please consider seeking help (professional help) outside of work though, if you haven’t already. You’ve stopped the bleeding so to speak, but recovery is not something you should do all on your own. Those bad feelings can come rushing back very easily even if you never look back. Seriously, please take care.
Re: Tell HN: Sometimes you don't realise how bad something is until you leave
#169Thank you for sharing. I can relate. This is my first “real” full time job, and I’ve now been there 10 years with little to show for it, and not for lack of trying. Software engineer for a small company, report directly to the owners. Repeatedly, I pour my heart and soul into a project that I believe in, only for ownership to trash the project for superficial reasons. I’ll do small things and get overly patronizing p…
> when I try to initiate or lead something bigger, they crush it with passive aggressive, belittling remarks If you don’t mind me asking, how do you typically respond to those remarks? Not trying to excuse their rude behavior or saying you shouldn’t move on to greener pastures, but if you let people “get away with” passive aggressive behavior, then it’s bound to happen again elsewhere. Leadership is always tested in…
That’s a fair question. I honestly haven’t “fought” for my projects probably as much as I should.
Some of this is a result to how their criticisms are shared. Often, they will initially softly praise my efforts (“that’s a good idea, but we need to discuss it more before going live with it”).
Then, time passes, we put out other fires, other ideas for unrelated projects get discussed.
Often throughout, the problem that my (now on hold) project attempts to solve will come up multiple times. At some point, I remind them that I have a potential solution ready to go, but we still need to discuss it before going live, as they requested.
I get a “yes we will, soon” response once or twice, until finally they mention something superficially wrong and easily fixed about it (“the order of the form items need to be switched around” or “we should add a summary screen” type trivialities) and is then used as a reason why, instead of spending a day finishing the project up, we should instead focus our time on x, y, or z (none of which are even actionable projects yet).
At which point I cave. Every once in a while I get irritated to the point of blurting out something snarky when the problem presents itself (“you know, we could be done with problems like these if we had implemented my idea”) only for me to follow it up with some joke to smooth it over and not sound so bitter.
I’m sure there’s a better way for me to fight for these projects, and I hope as I become more inclined to leave, I’ll have more backbone to try them out and commit to it.
Re: Tell HN: Sometimes you don't realise how bad something is until you leave
#170I've noticed this dynamic too... I have had relationships and jobs that had incredible levels of psychological abuse, and yet I stayed for way too long, and continued to rationalize the abuse. I think at some level I would start to get depressed and suffer low self esteem, and believe that any level of abuse or mistreatment was justified. After leaving, I can barely understand why I didn't see what was happening or admit it to myself.
I was the perfect target for narcissists- any abuse or negativity would cause me to feel guilty and responsible, and try even harder to give them what they want.