Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Write a note to your spouse every day

jdnoc.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

161–170 of 303 posts

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#161

Post by smt88 »

onion2k wrote: post #153
funklute wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. I think you're missing some perspective here. You make it sound like you were the one really trying, and your partner is the one who was weird for not "getting it". I would honestly be pretty freaked out if my partner wrote me daily poems for 400 days. It would come off as very needy and obsessive, and if it continued a…

If you read what the OP wrote; "I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her." 2 years is a lot more than 400 days. Maybe the relationship failed because they stopped .

Read the comment again. The recipient clearly didn't like the poems, and yet he still wrote four hundred of them.

> In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt.

No healthy relationship has one partner who cares so little about the other's feelings that they do something 400 times without finding out if it's welcome or not.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#162

Post by [deleted] »

em-bee wrote: post #149
alexashka wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We're using the word differently. In the context of this thread, gratitude stands for expressing what you appreciate about your relationship with another. Do you see the problem here? If you like a flower, do you feel the need to thank it? No, right? A flower does what flowers do. So what's different about this scenario? The difference is you're using expression of gratitude as a tactic to manipulate. If you're think…

If you like a flower, do you feel the need to thank it? No, right? A flower does what flowers do. So what's different about this scenario? The difference is you're using expression of gratitude as a tactic to manipulate. ugh, no, the difference is that your partner is a human being that can't read minds. if you expect them to know that you are grateful without expressing it then that may seriously hurt your relations…

[deleted]

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#163

Post by otikik »

the_gipsy wrote: post #29

> I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or…

Children require a lot of time. I only have a single one, and I am already struggling with no time to do anything. I admit I am not the best at time management.

With 4 children ... I can't even conceive how that would be. I would probably love them to death but would consider escaping into the wildness every night.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#164

Post by newshorts »

bergenty wrote: post #109
cleandreams wrote: post #49

Wow, so much negativity. I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don't know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have. Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.

I guess I just don’t care about any of this. I can tell if my wife (or girlfriend) loves me or not based on body language and actions. These sorts of things have no significance to me, words mean very little. I’m all about action— body language, your tone when speaking, a respectful demeanor, being gracious and pleasant, smiling a lot, keeping the peace - are the only things that matter in my opinion.

My wife is the same way. Words mean little, actions are her love language.

Words are mine. My assumption is everyone means what they say. I tend to take things too literally sometimes.

It’s been hard to figure that out about each other, but once we did it’s been easier to translate our love into the language of the other person.

My point here is that people have differences in the way they operate and some day you might find the love of your life operates differently too. Keep an open mind about it and seek to understand.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#165

Post by ryanmercer »

watwut wrote: post #101
throw03172019 wrote: post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Now imagine doing that with two minimum wage jobs. That is true hell.

That is impossible. Kids this small require childcare and minimum vage job does not pay for one. With such small salaries, one of them has to be home.

Yet there are single parents all over the United States working multiple jobs to get by. Childcare exists without paying some boutique daycare tens of thousands of dollars a year.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#166

Post by ryanmercer »

sp527 wrote: post #98
Gigachad wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Being in a relationship opens yourself up to a huge amount of financial risk which can last a very long time after the breakup/divorce. In most countries you are exposed to this risk even if you don't marry as you automatically enter a de facto which is pretty legally similar to a full marriage. This all made sense when you had a man working and a woman at home looking after the house and kids, but in a modern societ…

I believe a well-orchestrated prenup, perhaps in combination with some structure of legal trusts, can (mostly) mitigate this. You can firewall assets and nix alimony. And then move to Texas for the cap on child support orders, which really matters [0]. The only exposure you're left with is being liable for attorney fees, but hopefully Texas has some standard to preclude those from becoming unconscionable. A lot of pe…

>I believe a well-orchestrated prenup,

If you think you need a prenup, you probably shouldn't get married.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#167

Post by newshorts »

nlnn wrote: post #151
mamoriamohit wrote: post #13

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commit…

Obviously it's not quite the same thing, but reminds me of an old neighbour we had. She used to love baking, and would bring round cakes/pastries/bread for us all the time. It was really nice at first, but also made us feel very awkward/bad that we didn't reciprocate (neither of us really cook much), even though we'd never asked for the cakes. Eventually we had to ask her to stop, since we just didn't want to eat tha…

I learned about this from my mom. She’s a giver, but to the point where we don’t want the stuff.

We appreciated the thought, but she would bring so many toys for our daughter it was overwhelming and we didn’t Have that much space.

It was clearly more for my mom than for us, she just likes to give.

So I reciprocated by saying thanks and promptly throwing/donating something older. This allowed my mom to keep giving and us to not have the clutter.

I’m glad to confirm what I already knew by your story. It would have hurt her and damaged our relationship if I would have asked her to stop.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#168

Post by darkerside »

bergenty wrote: post #109
cleandreams wrote: post #49

Wow, so much negativity. I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don't know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have. Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.

I guess I just don’t care about any of this. I can tell if my wife (or girlfriend) loves me or not based on body language and actions. These sorts of things have no significance to me, words mean very little. I’m all about action— body language, your tone when speaking, a respectful demeanor, being gracious and pleasant, smiling a lot, keeping the peace - are the only things that matter in my opinion.

I wonder if your significant other feels the same way?

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#169

Post by shp0ngle »

zwirbl wrote: post #48
lbrito wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>marriage is not for everyone For quite a long time this was a very obvious and common sense statement. That is literally the traditional view of the Catholic Church on marriage, for example. Things changed only very recently.

> That is literally the traditional view of the Catholic Church on marriage Can you elaborate on that? Living as an unmarried couple is not very catholic AFAICT, and when not in a relationship, how should you marry?

Yeah of course. The alternative to marrying is living a celibate life, which is seen in Catholic Church as preferable to marriage.

Having sex outside of marriage (and, for pleasure only) is of course wrong.

As is using contraceptives; as that moves sex to just pleasure.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#170

Post by ryanmercer »

de6u99er wrote: post #58

We chat every day on Signal.

My wife will point out in the evenings if I didn't text her much during the day, or even send me a message some point during the day asking if I'm alright. These days are few and far between, usually just meeting heavy days or when I really get sucked into a time-sensitive problem.
Post reply on HN