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I am lonely will anyone speak to me

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Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#161

Post by magicalhippo »

jayski wrote: post #90

I struggled with loneliness and depression for almost a decade. Im now married have a beautiful son, and a great social life, I can tell you the secret and its easy: excercise. Thats all there is to it. Dont sign up for a gym membership and show up there confused and intimidated. join some sort of excercise class; crossfit, spinning,jiu jitsu, yoga. I promise, it wont be overnight, but it will be FAST. you will feel…

If going to a gym is not an option (not cheap around here for one), I've had plenty of good experiences finding outdoor groups on Meetup or similar.

Got myself a bike, started riding in the forest with one group. Hiking with couple of others.

While getting out into nature is great in itself, the social aspect was really nice as well. Very relaxed, nothing forced.

But yeah, getting in better shape really helped on feeling more positive.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#162

Post by SeeDave »

jayski wrote: post #90

I struggled with loneliness and depression for almost a decade. Im now married have a beautiful son, and a great social life, I can tell you the secret and its easy: excercise. Thats all there is to it. Dont sign up for a gym membership and show up there confused and intimidated. join some sort of excercise class; crossfit, spinning,jiu jitsu, yoga. I promise, it wont be overnight, but it will be FAST. you will feel…

> I promise, it wont be overnight, but it will be FAST. you will feel better, youll make friends without even trying. Its impossible to go through an hour of physical suffering every day with the same people and not end up gradually talking more and getting to know each other.

I really encourage people to try a martial art like boxing, muay thai, or brazilian jiu jitsu once COVID lockdowns are over.

These sports are extremely effective at fighting depression and loneliness for a couple of reasons:

1. You get plenty of one-on-one interaction

2. Shared suffering really does create bonds

3. There is a lot of positive validation ("great jab!", "nice hook")

4. You will see the same people 2,3,4 times a week

5. Exercise releases endorphins

6. You will be proud of how your body changes for the better

7. You will get many compliments on your new figure

8. You will get more romantic interest (looks do matter, and doing a fun/exciting sport can be bonus points in dating)

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#163

Post by smeej »

tw25532050 wrote: post #105
smeej wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For some of us, it's not about changing your mind. You're right--life isn't for everyone. Death comes for everyone, one way or another, at some point. Normally we don't pick when, but maybe you're right and this is how it comes for you. That's not up to me. If you don't want to go through it alone, though, you don't have to. We could look that mystery in its face together. See what's there. I'm not expecting to go th…

I appreciate the offer. For me there's no great mystery; I die every night, and wake up every morning with that dead guy's memories. Life takes effort, and keeping that cycle going just hasn't been worth the effort for a long time. I made the decision months ago. I think there are a lot of people who keep putting in the effort only to avoid imposing suffering on their loved ones and others. So, in a way I'm lucky in…

Sincere question: If you already die every night and wake up with the dead guy's memories, why do you think dying this slightly different way would lead to a meaningfully different outcome? Maybe you just wake up somewhere else, with the same memories, but then without even the hope that there might be a way out.

Maybe it's just me, but on the off-chance that dying doesn't actually end any of my sufferings, I'd really rather not find that out until I absolutely have to.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#165

Post by dmos62 »

watermelon59 wrote: post #138
Geminidog wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>but it's a fairly toxic pattern to make categorical statements about "what women want" or "what men are like" when the spread of human character is so broad. It depends on your definition of toxic and your definition of truth. The belief that categorical statements have zero relevance in this world is an ideal that is just too unlikely to be true. Broad statements can be made about both men and women. For example Wo…

You are probably not wrong in your statements about biology influencing behavior, but in my opinion that kind of thinking ignores the fact that we humans are capable of recognizing all of that and acting upon it. We do not have to succumb to our natural baggage. The problem with making and accepting general statements about the behavior of men and women is that it leads to an incredibly exclusionary society where onl…

I find it upsetting that this comment is being downvoted. It really doesn't bode well for our group if such openness is met with hostility without reply.

I too am a man who has traits traditionally associated with women, like prioritizing care over competition and having strong empathy. I don't think there's anything unnatural about it. It's somewhat unfortunate that masculinity or femininity have common roots with words male and female, because being masculine or feminine is not ultimately determined by your gender. There's of course tendencies, but the exceptions are common enough that probably everyone can think of a masculine woman or a feminine man in their circles. And masculinity/feminity isn't binary either, it's a spectrum. You have those who are balanced between the two poles. Further, your alignment can change over time. It's just hormones at the end of the day. Let's not assign moral judgments on something basic and natural.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#166

Post by tinus_hn »

nicbou wrote: post #146
DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

I think #4 can be explained by a simple phenomenon: if a group is defined by people's desire to leave it, it will eventually be populated mostly by those who can't. This is how many such communities become toxic over time.

> it will eventually be populated mostly by those who can't.

Or won’t

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#167

Post by barry-cotter »

watwut wrote: post #147
AnthonyMouse wrote: post #140

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think there's something to what you're saying but the terms are slightly wrong. Individualism is ordinarily set in opposition to collectivism, but it's the bastardization of both that have created the problem. On the one hand, social clubs have been evaporating. Bowling leagues, rotary clubs, ham radio clubs etc. They're fading, and this predates 2020. These things are compatible with individualism -- it's freedom…

I don't see how i could go to bowling league regularly and simultaneously keep full time job, be actual non absent parent for kids and maintain at least some relationship with extended family. Bowling social clubs assume everyone has a lot of free time, does not have small kids or offloaded all kids care on partner.

Are you assuming a full time job means 60 hours a week?

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#168

Post by pschimi »

watermelon59 wrote: post #139
pksebben wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

These are very broad generalizations, and not at all representative of anything like a truth. I concede that it may have been true in your experiences, but it's a fairly toxic pattern to make categorical statements about "what women want" or "what men are like" when the spread of human character is so broad. Let's try not to limit what's possible by inflicting on the world what we expect. Specifically, statements lik…

A number of folks in this thread seem to listen to Jordan Peterson's ideas, which seem smart and reasonable but are actually very toxic. See my reply to the post you were replying to. Thank you for being a voice of reason.

I'm happy for you that you got over Jordan Peterson. IMO you drew the wrong conclusions about him though. From what I've heard/read of Peterson, he is usually correct in his observation/analyses, BUT only within the framework of very conservative role models. The point here is that he doesn't even add original ideas.

I think what makes him so popular among his fans is that he lends scientific credence to embracing reactionary role models. Some men (and even a few women) seem to feel deeply insecure without a very explicit set of rules of how to interact with the opposite sex, how to live even. Maybe some men feel threatened by emancipated women or maybe they can't find their place in a society that places few constraints on what to do after growing up.

Peterson spells out for them in detail how to conform to the traditional gender roles historically endorsed by the church, but he substitutes the foundation of christian moralism with evolutionary theory and sociology. He's handing his disciples a step by step guide to building a family. Why this brand of "neo-conservatism" can be popular in a secular world, one where science offers explanations once received through faith, but fails to provide the comfort and sense of belonging that Christianity built its success on ever since its humble beginnings as an obscure, persecuted underground cult in the Roman Empire, doesn't need much explanation.

Believe it or not, there are in fact women subscribing to these old school values. It's not like Peterson is forcing anyone to roll back the achievements of feminism or promoting inequality, just some archaic ideas that still work well enough for some to embrace them as a template for their lives.

What's so toxic or controversial about that?

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#169

Post by imtringued »

durnygbur wrote: post #156
nicbou wrote: post #146

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think #4 can be explained by a simple phenomenon: if a group is defined by people's desire to leave it, it will eventually be populated mostly by those who can't. This is how many such communities become toxic over time.

e.g. dating apps

I heard that "incels" consider people who finally succeed in their dating life as traitors and therefore as people who didn't belong in the community in the first place.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#170

Post by [deleted] »

pksebben wrote: post #142
Geminidog wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>but it's a fairly toxic pattern to make categorical statements about "what women want" or "what men are like" when the spread of human character is so broad. It depends on your definition of toxic and your definition of truth. The belief that categorical statements have zero relevance in this world is an ideal that is just too unlikely to be true. Broad statements can be made about both men and women. For example Wo…

This smacks of so much hubris. What you are doing is attempting to simplify and reduce a set of interactions that are so incredibly complex that you have no hope of understanding them in their entirety. Can you point out specific differences between the sexes? Of course. The problem lies in attempting to draw conclusions about complex systems (human behavior / interaction) that map neatly to simple concepts (how big…

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