I am going to say something totally non-PC, and I apologize for that. Find a bunch of people you would consider not very bright (from your POV) and do your best to hang out with them at all cost.
I can't totally put words on it, but it seems to me the more "brainy" your daily thoughts, your social circles are, the more you are at risk of losing your instinct for social relationships... and the cure is to be realeased in the "wild".
How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?
151–160 of 453 posts
Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?
#1521. Get a sports car. 2. Pull up to a nice place (night club, resturant etc) 3. Problem solved.
-.-
Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?
#153I'd highly recommend doing two things in parallel. 1. Read How to win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. 2. Try to talk to someone new every day. On item 1 - I promise that it's not as lame as the title makes it sound. If you internalize the core advice behind this book it will drastically improve your life and it will make you a better person. On item 2 - don't go overboard with this. There's no need to…
Instead of How to win Friends and Influence People, I would recommend Robert Cialdini's Influence: Science and Practice. Instead of just having advice and heuristics most nerds really interested in the problem can often figure out themselves, it describes a lot of experiments and builds a general model for why certain actions work. I think a lot of tricks can be discovered on one's own (sometimes through chance), after all sales people have had a bag of tricks they know to improve sales by x% long before enough experiments were performed to suggest an underlying theory. Having a theory though helps one discover new tricks and predict their effects. You'll also learn some defensive techniques.
Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?
#154A few observations:
1) I'm fairly introverted, and I've been successful finding new friends when I've found interest-based clubs/groups; for me this would be gaming or making-things groups; it could also be a local sports league, tech meetup, or book club or something. These are great ways to meet people. With a little bit of luck you'll meet cool people with similar interests in no time.
2) You seem far too nervous about your accent. I have worked and developed friendships with a few people with really strong accents, and have always found that people are willing to work through it as long as you are. I really doubt people mind yours; you just have to laugh off miscommunications and keep smiling.
3) Most people are really friendly most of the time if you engage them in a positive way and are simply pleasant to be around. I strongly suggest that when you meet some people you like at one of the aforementioned interest-based clubs, you simply be honest with them and tell them straight up that you're trying to make more friends in the area. You aren't going to get laughed at; most people have been there and will be totally sympathetic and will invite you along to something. In the case that someone seems mean, they're probably an asshole anyway. Just make sure you smile and are pleasant to be around and people will be friendly back to you.
Overall, it sounds to me like you're stuck in a sort of negative-self-image-feedback-loop. Stay positive and smile a lot and I promise people will like you.
Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?
#155Here's my thoughts, as someone who's naturally shy, socially awkward (or maybe just plain weird), and loaded with anxiety issues. Start small. Don't try to make friends at first, just practice interacting with people. Ask totally random people questions you can Google. Is the 6 train running on time today? Is this the way to Market Street? Do you know a good coffee shop around here? Ask people in social situations pe…
One last one--
Be a friend to yourself. Not in a sappy, metaphorical way, but in a game-theoretical way. One of the mistakes I made for the longest period of time was that I waited for other people to make the first move. If someone didn't regularly go out of their way to interact with me -- come over and talk to me, invite me to do things -- I assumed they didn't want to and didn't go over and talk to them or invite them places.
This was a terrible strategy: if I met myself, I would never become friends with myself because neither of me would make the first move. Fortunately, I encountered enough forward people that I still ended up meeting some folks, but there are a lot of people I could have been friends with but am not, just because both of us were too shy.
So make the first move. Talk to someone a couple of times, and if it seems appropriate see if they want to grab a burger or see the new Hobbit movie at midnight when it first comes out. And then don't be pushy; if you make a couple of advances and they don't reciprocate, back off. Be polite and friendly, say hi in the elevators, and make small talk if they seem to like small talk. Not everyone is meant to be friends with everyone else.
Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?
#156I'd highly recommend doing two things in parallel. 1. Read How to win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. 2. Try to talk to someone new every day. On item 1 - I promise that it's not as lame as the title makes it sound. If you internalize the core advice behind this book it will drastically improve your life and it will make you a better person. On item 2 - don't go overboard with this. There's no need to…
> I'm an American living in New Zealand. I'm sure my language issues pale in comparison, but I am constantly second-guessing myself. It's not that I'm worried that people won't understand me, it's that I'd rather communicate in a way that's natural to the people who are listening to me -- I'm sure you can relate.
Interesting. I have faced these exact same issues while interacting socially in the United States. I am a native speaker but have an accent that makes people ask me to repeat myself on occasion in bars. This makes me second-guess myself and breaks the patter.
Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?
#157Idle social chit chat is not easy for a lot of people. So don't waste time with that. Instead, think about how you can use your gifts to help other people.
Don't volunteer to hand out trays at a soup kitchen. That doesn't leverage your skills. Instead, volunteer to analyze their inventory system to look for more efficient patterns.
Since you're an engineer, you're probably good at math. You could probably teach a GED-preparation class to high school dropouts. You could teach a community college class or tutor a group of students. You'll get practice with talking to people and you'll probably really help out others.
There are a TON of nonprofits that need technical help. Volunteer to run a website (for example). If you don't know how to do that, learn in all that weekend free time!
You have a lot of power to make the world a much better place. Do that selflessly and friendships will follow.
Friendships among dudes are best thought of as alliances formed to help reach a goal.
Find a meaningful goal.
Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?
#158Join your university ultimate frisbee team.
Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?
#159Earlier quoted context omitted.
I could be wrong, but I understood this to be a way of getting yourself in the door. Bonds created by the "indebtedness" are I think starting points to spending time with people and getting to know them, rather than a friendship in and of themselves.
It might be a starting point but it doesn't provide the fundamentals to get you where you want to go. This reminds me of what pickup artists teach. They teach tactics for how to get in the door, and forget about the fundamentals of actually building a real relationship.
oh, so you're one of those people
Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?
#160Here's my thoughts, as someone who's naturally shy, socially awkward (or maybe just plain weird), and loaded with anxiety issues. Start small. Don't try to make friends at first, just practice interacting with people. Ask totally random people questions you can Google. Is the 6 train running on time today? Is this the way to Market Street? Do you know a good coffee shop around here? Ask people in social situations pe…
Some great advice! Getting into a routine of going to the same place seems like a real winner to me.
Mastering small talk in England is incredibly easy. If the weather is inclement, talk about the weather. If the weather is clement, talk about the weather. If you get bored talking about the weather, talk about football (particularly apt right now). If you know nothing about football, either watch enough that you can pontificate about the off-side rule, or go back to talking about the weather.
If you're in London, you can often substitute complaining about public transport for the weather or football.