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Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

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Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#151

Post by matwood »

madaxe_again wrote: post #110
stego-tech wrote: post #50

It’s the not-knowing that is the most haunting. I know I’ll never be able to take martial arts; I have made peace with that. I know I will never be an amazing athlete; I have made peace with that as well. Same with my body composition: I will never be rail-thin, I will never “fit” into most “fun” cars even when I finish my weight loss journey, I will never be the kind of guy who can fit into a Medium of anything clot…

Hm. I think Proust put it well: Desire makes everything blossom and flourish. Possession makes everything wither and fade. I’m a lucky son of a gun. Managed to slap the eject button on the treadmill early enough in life that I found myself in my early 30s with all the time in the world, and enough cash that it certainly felt like it. I went and lived so many dreams. Did a whole bunch of things I had already, in my de…

Your story reminded me of a quote I found many years ago.

It is only possible to succeed at second-rate pursuits -- like becoming a millionaire or a prime minister, winning a war, seducing beautiful women, flying through the stratosphere, or landing on the moon. First-rate pursuits -- involving, as they must, trying to understand what life is about and trying to convey that understanding -- inevitably result in a sense of failure. A Napoleon, a Churchill, or a Roosevelt can feel himself to be successful, but never a Socrates, a Pascal, or a Blake. Understanding is forever unattainable. Therein lies the inevitability of failure in embarking upon its quest, which is none the less the only one worthy of serious attention. --Malcom Muggeridge

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#152

Post by [deleted] »

stouset wrote: post #53
stego-tech wrote: post #50

It’s the not-knowing that is the most haunting. I know I’ll never be able to take martial arts; I have made peace with that. I know I will never be an amazing athlete; I have made peace with that as well. Same with my body composition: I will never be rail-thin, I will never “fit” into most “fun” cars even when I finish my weight loss journey, I will never be the kind of guy who can fit into a Medium of anything clot…

I’m curious why you say you know some of those things will never happen. It’s certainly possible that if you’re extremely tall you probably won’t fit comfortably in some sports cars. And there are some medical conditions that preclude any kind of participation in martial arts. But barring those, is it possible you don’t know those things but are instead conceding them?

[deleted]

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#153

Post by cogogo »

chasd00 wrote: post #61

my son recently got into skateboarding which warmed my heart because i use to dream of being a pro-skater at his age. I dug out my old board and have gone to a few skateparks with him. Seeing a vert ramp was like seeing an old friend, i'm doing a lot of core and lower body workouts to see if I can get in a few more runs. There's one trick i've never been able to do and this is my last shot (I'm 50). After this summer…

I admire the commitment. I hope you stomp it. I am 44 and have lost the resolve to try new tricks in the sports I enjoy (skiing and kitesurfing). I wish I would but at the same time the downside risk is so high as a parent of 3 kids. Then I relax and take comfort in just straight up sending what I do know. And that is a privilege I hope to enjoy for as long as possible.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#154

Post by matwood »

donatj wrote: post #143

I turned 40 the other day. There has been unrelenting reflection on where I am and how I got here. A lot of lament for a small handful of decisions and a life marked by avoiding uncomfortable decisions. I don't know where the last 20 years have gone. Last I remember, I was playing Wii in my friend's basement. I remember the seemingly endless opportunities nights laid out before us. DVDs and pizza and furious laughter…

> I'd have liked to have mended friendships.

It's never too late to call someone and tell them you appreciate them. It may not make you best friends again, but as long as you're both still breathing, it's never too late to reach out.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#155

Post by fifilura »

munificent wrote: post #92
keithnz wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The article is a bit off base IMHO. That guy could go snowboarding, he just thinks the warning he got creates a risk that isn't worth it. It sounds to me he hasn't even thought much about risk mitigation, or alternatives, etc. So really he's talking about letting go of a non serious fantasy that he has. 'Dream' is a bit of a wishy washy term... you could call that fantasy a dream, but you could also call things you a…

With respect, the author said his doctor told him not to. I am certain that the author and their medical professional know a hell of a lot more about what's a good idea for his body than you or I do. When you are young and healthy, it feels like your body has no real hard limits, and doesn't define the boundary of what is and what isn't possible. But at some point, through age or misfortune, you will learn that, no,…

A doctor knows about enough dangers and germs to never let you out the door!

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#156

Post by cmrdporcupine »

markus_zhang wrote: post #84
cmrdporcupine wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Maybe you're there already, but there's a transition that happens when your kids become (quite suddenly and strangely unexpectedly) adolescents. And then many of us have found ourselves staring at the past 15 years wondering where it all went. There's a deep meaning to be found in comforting a crying child in the night, changing their diaper, preparing their meals, etc. Can be a total grind, fatiguing, but you're liv…

When do you think the transition happens? For me (I never had very good relationship with my parents) it started from maybe Junior high school but really picked up around sophomore Senior high school when I got completely confused about life (TBF at 40+ still a bit confused). Does that "deep meaning" come to you when you look back, or you felt it when it happened? I have to say I didn't find much meaning in all that…

The "deep meaning" of taking care of a young child for me is only this: putting yourself at the service of another and being needed.

One specific challenge of raising adolescents is I think precisely running into that place where they start to hit the life confusions you're speaking of, and it's in many cases like holding up a mirror to your own pains from adolescence. But this time without any agency, you're a spectator.

When they're little and they're reaching for a hot surface you can raise alarm and grab their hand and pull it away.

But you lose the ability to substantially "make" a young adult do anything. You can't stop them from skipping school. From spending all their time on their phone. From smoking weed or wasting their time on video games. Or much worse, harming themselves in any number of scary permanent ways.

You can't pull their hand away from the fire. They have the autonomy to make mistakes and something about that age... some just seem to revel in it?

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#157

Post by euroderf »

stego-tech wrote: post #149
grogenaut wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Jeremy Clarkson in a F1 car https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOh77dwAr54 . There's a reason they had hammond try that. I could barely get in or out of the original tesla roadster. I had to go out on my hands. Was fun to drive. My feet just didn't make it out the door sills sideways. Same thing for the back of a jeep cherokee in the late 90s. I'm 6'2" and have size 13 feet. I'm not making my shoulder, hips, or feet sma…

> I'm 6'2" and have size 13 feet. I'm not making my shoulder, hips, or feet smaller without a hammer. Eyy, same! My wake-up moment was trying to fold myself into an Impreza WRX and realizing most fun sports cars are not made for tall people.

I'm 6'4" and to fit in a Fiat X19 I needed a can opener and Mazola.

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#158

Post by bdowling »

onlypassingthru wrote: post #63
stego-tech wrote: post #50

It’s the not-knowing that is the most haunting. I know I’ll never be able to take martial arts; I have made peace with that. I know I will never be an amazing athlete; I have made peace with that as well. Same with my body composition: I will never be rail-thin, I will never “fit” into most “fun” cars even when I finish my weight loss journey, I will never be the kind of guy who can fit into a Medium of anything clot…

God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. - Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity prayer

Might as well post the full version, which adds context:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time.

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as he did, the sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever.

—Reinhold Niebuhr, 1892-1971

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#159

Post by justonceokay »

donatj wrote: post #143

I turned 40 the other day. There has been unrelenting reflection on where I am and how I got here. A lot of lament for a small handful of decisions and a life marked by avoiding uncomfortable decisions. I don't know where the last 20 years have gone. Last I remember, I was playing Wii in my friend's basement. I remember the seemingly endless opportunities nights laid out before us. DVDs and pizza and furious laughter…

> I think I have just too strong of a mask for anyone else to truly pierce.

And a flair for the dramatic!

Re: Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

#160

Post by Cthulhu_ »

munificent wrote: post #91
onlypassingthru wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. - Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity prayer

As much as the serenity prayer comes across as some tacky shit you'd find painted on a wall in that one handwriting font in a beach house in Florida... it's the greatest distillation of human wisdom I've ever found. I've been in therapy many years, and you wouldn't believe how often it comes up and we discuss it in the context of some problem in my life. So much of life's difficulties hinge on the axis of trying to f…

Exactly; powerlessness is a big source of stress / anxiety / etc, but when you truly accept that you can't for example change other people or things outside of yourself will never be exactly the way you want them to be, then you'll be a lot more at peace.

To phrase it negatively, it's a kind of selfishness / indifference. But it's not "I don't care", but more "it is what it is".

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