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I rebooted my social life

takes.jamesomalley.co.uk

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Re: I rebooted my social life

#151

Post by huhkerrf »

ljosifov wrote: post #126
iamnothere wrote: post #110

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

+1. For every one like the author of the blog post, it's likely to be another one in the opposite direction. But they will be unlikely to write a post about that. I too found weighting 'spend time with human persons v.s. with my own thoughts, or programming and writing, or reading a paper or a post, or listening to a podcast while walking in nature' lately come down on the side away from humans. So far - it's been wa…

> But they will be unlikely to write a post about that.

I don't know what you're talking about. People loooove talking about how hell is other people or how they'd rather be curled up on the couch, how relieved they are when others cancel plans at the last minute.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#152

Post by basisword »

dubeye wrote: post #142
maplant wrote: post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Socializing is not a "dull chore" it is a essential component of healthy living[1] By not socializing, you are avoiding (to quote the linked article) a "fundamental human need." This is not something you can simply live without, just like you cannot live a good live without exercise. The view you are espousing is fundamentally unhealthy. [1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/

It’s perhaps possible to get the bulk of this ‘required’ socialisation from your home life though

While this is true, when your relationship comes to an end you are suddenly very alone.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#153

Post by basisword »

iamnothere wrote: post #147
basisword wrote: post #135

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don’t think other people are the problem here. Harshly judging others and only wanting to socialise with people that fit a strict narrow criteria is the problem. And it sounds like you have good reason to do that due to past bad experience. I’ve been in a very similar situation and used it to justify keeping a minimal social life. But discarding a rich social life due to some bad experience is the wrong solution. I…

Human experience is broader than you can imagine. Through reading, I regularly encounter new ideas and concepts that I never could have derived from my interactions with others. Through meditation and contemplation I have experienced strange and fascinating modes of consciousness that are available to anyone willing to sit still for a while. Casual travel has led me to an endless number of beautiful empty places, pla…

None of these are bad things.They're all great. But rejecting socialising with other humans due to a negative experience with some is the opposite of the enlightenment that can be found through meditation. If you only read about things rather than experience them you can't really know them. If you only travel alone you miss out on the joy of travelling and discovering with others. You can do both.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#154

Post by mmooss »

izend wrote: post #65
alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

I have had this discussion with my wife, men need activities more than women to bond. My wife can make friends just by randomly running into other women at events or my daughter's activities.

[flagged]

Re: I rebooted my social life

#155

Post by kamranjon »

ToucanLoucan wrote: post #44
yakattak wrote: post #2

My partner and I were discussing our need for “third spaces” this week. We’re homebodies, and enjoy being home. However mundanity of wake, work, hobbies, sleep in the same place every day is getting to us. It’ll be a slightly different approach to the other though. For me, I want to start playing some tabletop games (war games and/or RPGs) at my Friendly Local Game Shop. I think these types of interactions are import…

I have a couple of really, really good friends who are deep in this hole, one struggling with burnout, one with regular depression (though they’re both depressed, you get how this works) and it’s so hard to watch, because I invite them to things, I encourage them constantly, I try and get them out and moving because, and admittedly this is an uninformed opinion: I believe their homebodied lifestyle is destroying them…

Just wanted to maybe provide a slightly different perspective, but I recently went through this process of pulling back from being socially active and it was for more than just one reason.

I wanted to focus on my health, both mental and physical, this meant going to the gym every morning and making time to read and getting rid of social media.

I also wanted to reduce my consumption of alcohol which typically was fueled by social events and always seemed to throw a wrench in taking care of my health (hard to get to the gym in the morning when you were drinking the night before, and for me it was even after just 1 drink).

What I realized was that many of the people I was spending time with, they oriented their communal time around drinking and for me that's pretty detrimental to my goals. After pulling back from social activity, I've felt so much healthier, happier and optimistic about life.

I get the same exact phone calls as you're describing, and I generally weigh the events I'm being invited to with what the focus of the event is - if the goal of the event is to just get together at a bar, I don't go. I think many of my friends feel that I've lost my way, but it's difficult because I sort of see them in the same light.

What I do hope to do eventually is to cultivate some new friendships, because I am missing that social aspect of my life, but for now I've sort of got a good thing going and I'm not too concerned about rushing it into being.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#156

Post by Rendello »

iamnothere wrote: post #110

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolera…

> there’s only so many times you are willing to let a human wrecking ball into your life.

I understand this deeply. On the other hand, I do believe that community is essential for a good life (for 99%+ of people). It's a struggle for me, as I want community, but I've had many wrecking balls and anchors (and been them), and so I tend to be defensive.

> Other people [...] are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolerate people with radically different views/values, and either intellectually lacking or overly predictable in their interests.

I also feel this. But I suspect a large part of this is that defensiveness, people are meant to live in harmony with those (fairly) different from them. But especially with regard to differing values, sometimes it feels like no one around you shares the same framework. I think that's one reason people move to new places.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#157

Post by thisoneisreal »

enraged_camel wrote: post #55

My father passed away on Saturday. The aftermath drove home the importance of community. Hundreds of people came to the funeral, even though it was short notice (24 hours) and in the middle of holiday season. They all dropped whatever they were doing, hopped in their cars or on a plane and came. Friends from his childhood. Friends from his middle/high school years. Friends from his university years, and med school ye…

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like your father was a great man. No need for apologies, I think what you said is very poignant and relevant to the topic at hand. We should all be so lucky to live such full lives.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#158

Post by skeeter2020 »

alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

I have no interest in starting a club, but what I do (and you can too) is open your activity to others, (a) for easy access, and (b) with no strings. Typically all this means is reaching out to a small group to say "hey I'm planning to do ; want to come?". Encourage them to pass on your invite, don't take it personally if nobody comes (or even responds) and when they do bond over you shared love of . Maybe this grows into a club, or just a shared message group, but regardless you still get to do what you wanted to in the first place.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#159

Post by someone_jain_ »

alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

Every person I meet in climbing gym defines their life in two words: BC and AC: Before Climbing and After Climbing. Had the same experience as OP, thanks to it, I am more fit than ever and have a much better social life :)

Re: I rebooted my social life

#160

Post by superb-owl »

I’ve been helping build https://fractal.boston/ for about a year now and it’s been a massively rewarding experience

Like the author, I highly recommend _building_ rather than simply joining a community. If you’re joining an already established scene, get involved! Host events, and bring in new members, establish new norms

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