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Maybe you’re not trying

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Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#151

Post by baxtr »

yousif_123123 wrote: post #58

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

This phenomenon is called "Solomon’s Paradox" - People think more clearly about other people’s problems than their own. When facing their own issues, they reason less rationally.

Yet, a study from 2014 showed that seeing your own problem from an outsider view removes the gap between how wisely you think about yourself and how wisely you think about others.

[1] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24916084/

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#152

Post by [deleted] »

Aurornis wrote: post #147
xivzgrev wrote: post #78

she's a little hard on herself. She claimed the ideas her husband came up with were not particularly inventive and the same she'd come up with had she been helping a friend Yet, when she told her friends, they did NOT suggest such actions. They too felt like there was nothing that could be done. Rather I'd posit that the actions the husband did seemed obvious to the author in hindsight, and that not everyone would ea…

The author has somewhat of a history in the professional poker world of being a less than reliable narrator. I’d take the details of the story with a grain of salt and focus on the ideas instead.

[deleted]

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#153

Post by Yoric »

nicbou wrote: post #113
Yoric wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Socialising is the same. You get better at it through practice. Practice is fun, it makes you do fun things and meet fun people. Not for all of us, though. For some, socializing is considerable pressure.

It is for me too, but in the end, practice made it so much easier. It took years and some guidance from a therapist, but it worked. “I want to meet more people” was one of those problems that took me year to properly work on. I think that the core problem was similar: I was willing to make an effort, but did not have a clear idea of how to do it.

Well, happy it worked for you.

For me, I've taught myself to socialize, but it takes lots of masking to do so, which means lots of energy, and failures are pretty hard on me.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#154

Post by saltcured »

sandyarmstrong wrote: post #97
y-curious wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People in the ADHD community are outspoken about a tangential concept: cleaning. Cleaning your friends place is a fun, novel, non-emotional activity. Cleaning your own space is a mental slog, boring and often painful due to having to rid yourself of mementos. In that case, my theory is that you get to shed your learned helplessness about how things look. I suspect it’s similar with giving advice.

A line I always remember (from Babylon 5) is: "When I clean my place, all I've done is clean my place. But when I help you clean your place, I'm _helping you_." tl;dr you should ask your badass partner for strategic help when the entire galaxy is under threat, even if she seems busy.

Helper, help thyself...?

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#155

Post by smrtinsert »

lisper wrote: post #17

I think the "maybe you're not actually trying" framing is not very constructive. The author did try, making decisions and taking actions that seemed appropriate for her situation at the time. The problem was that because her attempts to solve the problem failed -- again and again and again -- she stopped trying. Which is a not-entirely-unreasonable thing to do. I would frame it more like: just because you have tried…

Agreed. Its a hair from victim blaming even though the victim is herself.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#157

Post by n4bz0r »

nicbou wrote: post #55

Great post! I find that this happens when I want to do something The Right Way, but don’t have a clear path, nor the energy to figure one out. For example I want a nice winter wardrobe, but first I have to figure out what I like, what is trendy, where to buy it, what will suit the weather. I am wholly unprepared for it. Suddenly it’s a whole ordeal, so I just wait. In another category - art - I had to learn to be oka…

I've found that thinking about complex problems as finding a way to enable iteration helps a lot. First off, anxiety-wise, it's much easier to think about the iteration rather than the bigger problem. And while working your way towards iteration, you also begin to tackle the bigger problem from different angles. That itself is valuable, but you also get a bit of much needed desensitization as well as some small victories which yield the mental resources to ultimately help you get yourself together.

I recently had a similar issue with the wardrobe. I've been bedridden for an extended period of time and lost a lot of weight in the process. As a result, I had to replace every basic piece of clothing, both indoors and outdoors - things either didn't fit or were too worn. I still didn't feel too good to go shopping around town so I had to order online. On top of that, I was short on money. With little room for error, the task felt daunting, to say the least. Couldn't get around it for a while.

Long story short, I solved the shopping problem by figuring out how to sell the old things first. That helped me with both getting the old pile of crap off my mind as well as moving forward with the new purchases without the fear of unrecoverable losses. Now purchasing clothes feels less like gambling and more like something I can be in control of. The stars don’t have to align the first time, but eventually, they will.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#158

Post by CoffeeTails »

perlgeek wrote: post #126
CoffeeTails wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is something I've noticed as well. I've talked about this with my psychiatrist and she calls this brave, reassured version of ourself the "me-mentor" (jag-mentor in Swedish). Similar to our inner child, this is a core part of our who we are. The idea, if I understood correctly, is to build this me-mentor more and let it help us feel more safe. Let it support our insecure parts/personas. (I hope my English isn't…

Somewhat related, a psychologist I talked to in the 2000s said she really liked the Patronus concept in the Harry Potter books. You imagine an entity that's fueled by your positive memories and emotions, and that protects you from certain anxieties and other stressors. Things like that seem to be used in at least some schools of psychology.

That does sounds similar, yes! I like that idea.

It reminds me on something my psychologist told me, when trying to find this me-mentor, it can help to take inspiration from someone I find really safe with and trust a lot. Aka someone I have good memories with / of.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#159

Post by kronicum2025 »

y-curious wrote: post #77
yousif_123123 wrote: post #58

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

People in the ADHD community are outspoken about a tangential concept: cleaning. Cleaning your friends place is a fun, novel, non-emotional activity. Cleaning your own space is a mental slog, boring and often painful due to having to rid yourself of mementos. In that case, my theory is that you get to shed your learned helplessness about how things look. I suspect it’s similar with giving advice.

What's the opposite? Where solving your problems is easy and but solving your friend's problems are very difficult because your advice are never relevant?

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#160

Post by criemen »

nicbou wrote: post #55

Great post! I find that this happens when I want to do something The Right Way, but don’t have a clear path, nor the energy to figure one out. For example I want a nice winter wardrobe, but first I have to figure out what I like, what is trendy, where to buy it, what will suit the weather. I am wholly unprepared for it. Suddenly it’s a whole ordeal, so I just wait. In another category - art - I had to learn to be oka…

Assuming you earn enough, throw money at your problems. Many problems can be solved, or made significantly easier by money.

Don't do the research yourself, pay a specialist instead. Missing a winter wardrobe? Find a personal stylist (okay, requires some research to find, but much less than finding fitting wardrobe yourself). They will guide the shopping process, the outcome is most likely better than what you can come up with even with weeks of research. Costs a pretty penny, might feel funny, but it's effective.

Not happy with your art? Get a personal tutor for drawing. Learning a language, but struggling with it? Tutor it is. Learning is so much faster with personalized feedback and accountability, a good tutor provides both.

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