Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Always Invite Anna

sharif.io

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

151–160 of 183 posts

Re: Always Invite Anna

#151

Post by walterbell »

the_snooze wrote: post #147
walterbell wrote: post #140

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If people keep declining invitations.. indistinguishable from someone who doesn't like me/the group/our plans that much Per the second sentence of the article, declines were limited in scope to party invites, https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=45348495#45355972 We ended up hanging out quite a bit during those early months.

I think the fact that so many people (myself included) interpreted it as Anna declining everything demonstrates that the article is poorly written. Even a quick signpost mid-piece like "parties obviously weren't Anna's scene, but she was a regular at our dinner table" would have made things much clearer. There's a big difference between inviting a regular to something they may or may not like, and inviting someone wh…

Agreed. If you're on Twitter, there's a thread, https://x.com/sharifshameem/status/1970238923621404690

Re: Always Invite Anna

#152

Post by ryandrake »

carlosjobim wrote: post #141
bshacklett wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And yet, at the end of the day, I always sleep better knowing that I put the effort in to be a good person, even if it didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. I get the cynicism; it’s easy to feel like the world is just full of uncaring people sometimes. But, does adding one more help?

You aren't a good person for being subservient. You are a bad person, because you are enabling bad people. Evil is in most cases a Yin/Yang system of abuser and willing victim. Both are dependent on each other for their common goal of creating evil in this world. The abuser from primitive motives: "I have to do it to them, because if I'm not an abuser, somebody will make me a victim." The willing victim because he th…

Wow, what a thread drift! I thought we were talking about inviting friends to have fun.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#153

Post by majkinetor »

Majestic121 wrote: post #142
majkinetor wrote: post #125

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Also what world do you live in where an invitation to somewhere from your friend group can be seen as disrespectful, intrusive, or rude? Talk about disconnect from reality. You are funny and aggressive at the same time. Good job. Don't twist my words. Its not invitation that is the problem, but spam of invitations from the group that doesn't take your opinion into account. Its harresement.

An invitation once a week is not harassment, unless some important details are omitted.

Yes it is, if you decline every single time.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#154

Post by stavros »

jll29 wrote: post #95
stevage wrote: post #91

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I knew a guy who had a clear "three strikes rule". If you turned down invitations three times in a row, you were told clearly that you weren't getting any more invites until you had extended one yourself. It's pretty fair. These days I know a lot of busy people, so my softer version is, if I invite you to a thing and three times in a row you don't even reply, I'll probably just quietly stop inviting you altogether. I…

You bringing in the "three strikes rule", I'm reminded of game theory. They have the famous (repeat) prisoner's game, where two parties decide to either collaborate or to screw the other party. People ran software simulations of various strategies, and the winner is: Tit for tat. In other words, you start positive (invite), and stay like that until the other person screws you. They you screw them once next time and t…

AFAIK the strategy was slightly different: You start collaborative, and then simply repeat the other person's last action. This means that, if they screw you, you keep screwing them until they turn collaborative, at which point you collaborate in the next iteration.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#155

Post by BeetleB »

nine_k wrote: post #80
teapot7 wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Or because they're shy and antisocial but it's nice to think that they're part of the gang - as the original article was all about.

It's understandable, but in no way nice. One side is going to bring their authentic shy and antisocial self, and stonewall the invitations, while the other side needs to keep smiling and send invitations no matter what. This sounds slightly lopsided, doesn't it? If you would like the other side to do you a small favor every time, it's worth considering to do the same. At least respond to the invitation with gratitude…

> while the other side needs to keep smiling and send invitations no matter what.

No one is suggesting one needs to. It's a choice. And when you make it a choice, it is indeed nice.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#156

Post by BeetleB »

squigz wrote: post #118
Zenbit_UX wrote: post #110

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I believe they were implying they don’t get social cues due to neurodivergence, likely autism. Hilariously you’re also not picking up on their social cues and implications, which is likewise telling.

Quite right. Reading such intense motives behind such simple interactions is one of those allistic things that has me going like ???

Not reading such motives is not a sign of neurodivergence. If people are jumping to these types of conclusions, it's their deficiency. Plenty of normal, non-neurodivergent people refuse to read much into these things.

I've read a number of books on effective communications, and they all emphasize not to read into these signals, and when you do, to go and have a conversation about it to confirm them. I found, as many have, that the error rate is about 50% (i.e. half the time you read the signals wrong).

These books are for normal people - not neurodivergent folks.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#157

Post by BeetleB »

the_snooze wrote: post #73
ryandrake wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I came here to make a feelgood response and I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! “It costs nothing to be kind.” Whenever I go anywhere or make plans to do something social, I try to invite everyone I can. You’re sending the invite already, the marginal extra keystrokes it takes to add someone is trivial. And even if you know they’re not interested, the invitation might bring them some joy, so why not? Life i…

Extending an invitation is indeed a kindness. But repeatedly declining them signals that the invitations are unwelcome and unvalued. It's really that simple. Relationships aren't one-sided.

> But repeatedly declining them signals that the invitations are unwelcome and unvalued

Or they just can't make it each time.

> It's really that simple.

Simple, yet wrong.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#158

Post by BeetleB »

carlosjobim wrote: post #141
bshacklett wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And yet, at the end of the day, I always sleep better knowing that I put the effort in to be a good person, even if it didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. I get the cynicism; it’s easy to feel like the world is just full of uncaring people sometimes. But, does adding one more help?

You aren't a good person for being subservient. You are a bad person, because you are enabling bad people. Evil is in most cases a Yin/Yang system of abuser and willing victim. Both are dependent on each other for their common goal of creating evil in this world. The abuser from primitive motives: "I have to do it to them, because if I'm not an abuser, somebody will make me a victim." The willing victim because he th…

> You aren't a good person for being subservient. You are a bad person, because you are enabling bad people.

To stay on topic:

You definitely are not going to be invited to my parties!

Re: Always Invite Anna

#159

Post by squigz »

BeetleB wrote: post #156
squigz wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Quite right. Reading such intense motives behind such simple interactions is one of those allistic things that has me going like ???

Not reading such motives is not a sign of neurodivergence. If people are jumping to these types of conclusions, it's their deficiency. Plenty of normal, non-neurodivergent people refuse to read much into these things. I've read a number of books on effective communications, and they all emphasize not to read into these signals, and when you do, to go and have a conversation about it to confirm them. I found, as many…

Only 50%? That would be nice.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#160

Post by BeetleB »

yazaddaruvala wrote: post #98
waysa wrote: post #89

This is especially valuable for friends who struggle with depression. They almost never feel like going out because depression sucks out all their energy. But they'll appreciate the invite and that they're not forgotten. It's harder this way for them to isolate and go deeper down the spiral. One rule that helped me fight my depression was to accept invites no matter what. Go to the loud bar I don't like? I'm in. Cake…

I think one of the most important lessons in life (even as a healthy person) is realizing “motivation and action are cyclically causal” Of course “action follows motivation” but even when not motivated “motivation follows action”. For example, even as a healthy person I am not always motivated to go to the gym after a busy day at work which I am “so tired from”. I go dispite the lack of motivation. Unsurprisingly, I…

There are different types of depression, and going to a party when you're depressed can definitely exacerbate the depression.

It sucks being alone at home. It sucks more to be alone in a party.

Post reply on HN