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Root for your friends

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Re: Root for your friends

#151

Post by saghm »

danielrm26 wrote: post #24
darth_avocado wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> For a long time, I’ve been this person for other people, but don’t feel like I have anybody to do this for me. For the longest time I was this and unfortunately I got bitter over time. But then a couple of years ago I got back into the mindset again. A few bad years later I realized that the more happy you are for your friends, the more happy you are. Do it for yourself and nobody else.

Why not both?

If I'm understanding the parent comment correctly, I don't think they mean not to be happy for others, but that being happy for others is worth it even if you choose to do it purely for selfish reasons. The benefits of cheering on others are worth it even if you ignore the effects that the cheering actually has on the person you're cheering for.

If you're asking why not have both motivations for it, I think that their suggestion is based on the assumption that some people might be struggling to do it for altruistic reasons if it doesn't seem like the people they're cheering deserve it. Even though it's somewhat counterintuitive to my, in my experience this is a pretty common way of thinking, especially when people feel like rewards they had to work hard for come easily for those who get them later. As a (partially made up) example, imagine if you obtained a degree where one of the requirements was a grueling, difficult course completely unrelated to anything you're trying to study, and the year after you graduate, the university finally recognizes that the requirement was unreasonable and removed it. Following the line of thinking from the article, the response that would be the most beneficial would be to be happy for those students who no longer have to take the course, but from what I've seen, it's at least as common for people to instead be upset about the unfairness of having to do the unnecessary work. For people who feel this way, I'd argue that the more compelling reason to try to feel happy rather than resentful isn't how it affects the students who get to avoid this extra work, but because the resentment doesn't really achieve anything other than making you feel bad. While it's not as easy as just "deciding" not to feel that way, I do think that we have the ability to influence our own mindsets in the long term, and I genuinely believe that actively leaning into the idea of celebrating the good thing happening for others each time a circumstance like this happens will eventually make it easier to let go of the resentment when it happens again in the future.

Re: Root for your friends

#153

Post by lupire »

saghm wrote: post #149
tome wrote: post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I have borrowed some "wisdom" in how particles interact. They exchange particles back and forth If particles interact by exchanging particles, how do they interact with the particles they exchange?

I'm not sure I understand this question. If I hand someone a book, we're both interacting with the book as well as each other, so why wouldn't this also hold true for particles?

Is it particle turtles all the way down?

Re: Root for your friends

#154

Post by lupire »

darkwater wrote: post #119
neom wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm going through a really really difficult time right now, 3 major areas of my life have broken down simultaneously over the past five months. I was ranting to this guy I've known for years about it (who is very successful but was once jr to me at work) - I would have called him a "good friend" - he was drunk and giggled out something along the lines of "makes me feel strong" - I reacted as you would expect "uh.. re…

It is normal if you are a petty person. There is a saying in Spanish that goes along "a thief always thinks everyone is a thief" that clearly depicts this kind of people.

In US policts we say "every accusation is a confession".

Re: Root for your friends

#155

Post by lupire »

rjmill wrote: post #80
foobarbecue wrote: post #31

In my first few years on the job, I would fill out peer evaluations honestly. We have peer evaluations where you rate people out of 5 on various performance elements like "innovative" and "leader" or whatever. Then I survived a couple of rounds of awful layoffs where really good people lost their livelihoods. Since then, I put 5 out of 5 on everyone for everything always, and say something nice in all the boxes.

Goodness, yes. The last time I put (genuinely constructive) criticism in a peer evaluation, it turned out to be the only non-positive thing that was said about that coworker. So it became a focus of his yearly review. He later told me about how his review went (casually at a conference; he had no idea I was the source), and I fessed up and clarified what I actually meant. The HR process had twisted it to a much more…

Never give constructive criticism through management! Management will use it as evaluative feedback. Give constructive feedback directly.

Re: Root for your friends

#156

Post by lupire »

foobarbecue wrote: post #31

In my first few years on the job, I would fill out peer evaluations honestly. We have peer evaluations where you rate people out of 5 on various performance elements like "innovative" and "leader" or whatever. Then I survived a couple of rounds of awful layoffs where really good people lost their livelihoods. Since then, I put 5 out of 5 on everyone for everything always, and say something nice in all the boxes.

Layoffs are arbitrary and not based on performance.

Re: Root for your friends

#157

Post by creer »

jader201 wrote: post #117
Fnoord wrote: post #91

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wonder how this applies to the army. In the army, the people around you in the same situation as you become your mates, and seeing them suffer or die has a big effect on soldiers. I'd say spending time together forms / ends up in bonding, and those friends aren't friends (although the English-American definition is more like 'peers' anyway); they're former friends. People you used to spend time with. If it comes to…

I think this is basic competition. For example, in board games, there are several types: - Competitive games: every person for themselves; there’s one winner, everyone else loses - Co-op games: every human vs. “the game”, often in the form of AI opponents, or environmental conditions; everyone wins or everyone loses - Team games: X vs. Y players (and sometimes more than two teams); one team wins, everyone else loses…

> - Competitive games: every person for themselves; there’s one winner, everyone else loses

If you see people finding value only in winning, you might want to switch to different gaming friends. Around here, managing the critical mass to play the game is a first collective victory. And there is plenty of congratulations and collective joy to witnessing a game strategy well played. That same strategy that others may think "crushed you". Being able to play with smart players is 100% a blessing.

Re: Root for your friends

#158

Post by jader201 »

creer wrote: post #157
jader201 wrote: post #117

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think this is basic competition. For example, in board games, there are several types: - Competitive games: every person for themselves; there’s one winner, everyone else loses - Co-op games: every human vs. “the game”, often in the form of AI opponents, or environmental conditions; everyone wins or everyone loses - Team games: X vs. Y players (and sometimes more than two teams); one team wins, everyone else loses…

> - Competitive games: every person for themselves; there’s one winner, everyone else loses If you see people finding value only in winning, you might want to switch to different gaming friends. Around here, managing the critical mass to play the game is a first collective victory. And there is plenty of congratulations and collective joy to witnessing a game strategy well played. That same strategy that others may t…

I’m talking strictly the rules of gameplay, and applying that metaphorically to competition within the workplace and war.

Taken literally, of course the experience of playing a board game should be fun for everyone, regardless of the outcome.

But if you want to stick to the metaphor, I would agree that if you’re playing board games with sore losers/winners should result in finding new people to play with.

And similarly, if you have coworkers that are only looking out for themselves and their own success, without regard to the success of the team, find a new place to work.

But that’s the point I was trying to make.

Re: Root for your friends

#159

Post by sans_souse »

Am I the only one who read the title and the source and thought this was about rooting devices?

+1 tho, we could use some more positivity all around. Root for your friends, family, your peers. Hell root for anyone that you have respect for. That's how you live. That's the real W.

Re: Root for your friends

#160

Post by mierz00 »

Fnoord wrote: post #91
neom wrote: post #42

Someone I'm "friends" with, recently confessed to me that they very much enjoy watching me fail. I was genuinely surprised because I love watching people win, but I dug into it a bit and apparently it's very common, people really do love to see other people have setbacks, but the research I read seemed to indicate it was more prevalent in friendships, people seem fine with other people getting a head if they don't kn…

I wonder how this applies to the army. In the army, the people around you in the same situation as you become your mates, and seeing them suffer or die has a big effect on soldiers. I'd say spending time together forms / ends up in bonding, and those friends aren't friends (although the English-American definition is more like 'peers' anyway); they're former friends. People you used to spend time with. If it comes to…

I never experienced competition like this in the Army, however I have outside of it.

The Army was competitive in a fun way. Where it’s fun to beat your friends in PT or to laugh as they trip over. But when it came down to it, we were on the same team and you would help out a friend.

Inversely, not being a team player would get you bullied.

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