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The year I didn't survive

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Re: The year I didn't survive

#151

Post by tasuki »

Tade0 wrote: post #129
tasuki wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Grieving while being a new mom must be brutal. As always, yes and no. I'm a single father, my partner died when our daughter was 1.5 years old. A baby requires constant attention and care, so I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing. That said, I quite miss the abundant free time I used to have in my other life. Nowadays is constant battle about the littlest thin…

> I pour the milk the wrong way and get screamed at for 15 minutes. All too familiar. Occasionally I stop to think what would I do if my SO passed away suddenly. I've found that it's easier to think about my own death than this. Anyway, I hope you'll get some much needed downtime eventually.

We all do! It's called death. The great equalizer :)

Re: The year I didn't survive

#152

Post by raziel2p »

jajko wrote: post #68
throwcatowayne wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Jeez, this resonates with me so much. In 2019 I was constantly on the upswing. But in 2020, it's been an intensely downward spiral since. I was under so much stress from a 60hr/wk job, isolated during covid with a partner who turned physically abusive and having constant mental breakdowns, on top of trying to endure it all for a once in a lifetime housing opportunity, and then both of my parents ended up hospitalized…

Sorry to hear that, really sorry. One thing I dont get with similar stories - you felt things are seemingly going to shit in relationship yet no reaction, no quitting but maybe even double down? Abusive people will be abusive with no easy fix in sight, sucking it up for some real estate opportunity is a sure recipe for disaster and misery and no money gained will ever compensate for that. Thats one of 101 of life, th…

You will hear success stories of those who got out and made themselves better. You won't hear the numerous stories of those who broke up, realized they're hyperdependent on a romantic relationship and don't have the strength to do without - or those who break up but end up with another abusive partner.

I doubt there is good statistics or research on this, but anecdotally, it doesn't seem uncommon.

You also mention "neglect of rest", and in relationships you might also say neglect of the self - but often it's not explicit neglect, instead it's not even being used to or knowing how to recognize or fulfil those needs. As an example, after my tinnitus got worse, rest is simply so hard to achieve that it doesn't matter if I make it my top priority. People saying I need to rest more obviously annoys me, and claiming I'm neglecting rest would be borderline disrespectful.

Not comparing tinnitus and workaholism, just making a general statement about the use of "neglect" here.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#153

Post by eckesicle »

dottjt wrote: post #127
eckesicle wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To your first question, I don’t know. We do celebrate her birthday, light a candle whenever we walk past a church / go into a temple etc. If I’m brutally honest I think it’s more for my own sake than his. To retain the connection, we look at photos together every week and I tell him stories about her, and their relationship. I spoke to him just now, and he says that he misses her but is unable to articulate how. Perh…

Did you decide to date again? Do you think having a mother figure for your child is important for them?

Yes, but not for the reason that I want a mother figure in the house. Only recently, have I been able to date without comparing any new prospective partners to my late wife. I have yet to meet the right person.

It’s also a very big ask of a new partner for them to step in and fulfil the role of mother to your child.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#154

Post by YinglingHeavy »

CobaltFire wrote: post #13

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…

The best is yet to come.

My son is non verbal, non mobile.

We live the life of the Servant. We used to define ourselves by our profession, now we define ourselves as "special needs parent". This is a step closer to actually being more human. How trivial our lives were before, how we wasted so many hours on shit that didn't matter!

Re: The year I didn't survive

#155

Post by tasuki »

Trollmann wrote: post #69
tasuki wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Grieving while being a new mom must be brutal. As always, yes and no. I'm a single father, my partner died when our daughter was 1.5 years old. A baby requires constant attention and care, so I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing. That said, I quite miss the abundant free time I used to have in my other life. Nowadays is constant battle about the littlest thin…

> I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing Don't know if this was your intention but this comes across as if having a depression was a choice, which it rarely is with any kind of illness.

It's difficult to say what is a choice and what isn't. Is anything my choice? Perhaps the world is deterministic, so nothing is anyone's choice. But also, I have seen people who seemingly choose to wallow in their grief.

Also what is depression? I'm very sad that my partner died. I miss her. Some people have a chemical imbalance in their body. These are entirely different things. Perhaps I shouldn't have used that word, which has so many different meanings as to lose meaning altogether.

When you have a kid and don't want to get out of bed the whole day, eventually the kid is hungry enough to start screaming, and it will keep screaming until you get out of bed and feed it. It really is in everyone's mutual interest, depression or not. It's harder to stay depressed when you have to do things. It's easier to stay depressed when you can lie in bed the whole day.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#156

Post by c-cube »

throwaway356356 wrote: post #111
CobaltFire wrote: post #13

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his…

Throwaway: when my daughter was 4, she took a bath. My wife was in the living room doing laundry, literally 5 steps away. At that point, my daughter had just finished swimming class 3 months before. I was at work. When she called "mum!", my wife said: "Coming" and folded one final shirt. When she then entered the bathroom, my daughter floated in the tub, face down. No breathing, no sign of life anymore. My wife reviv…

Thank you for sharing. What a terrifying experience. I hope you get some help to deal with the trauma.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#157

Post by detourdog »

Andrex wrote: post #44
justforaoneoff wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

COVID coincided with my daughter being born, my parents dying unexpectedly and my partner having complete mental breakdown all while I was working a very stressful job with long hours and high stakes. Years have passed and I still feel like the battered husk of the person I was. I have good days and bad days but I'm slowly coming to accept I won't ever feel the confidence, the capability or the boundless reserves of…

Shit is this everybody? I feel like I'm constantly mourning who I used to be, like it was a different person entirely and there's no getting that level of empathy or patience back again.

I'm in the same boat alienated by a 30+ year partner that won't even discuss the issues.

After 9 months what I have realized is that my 30+ year partner was not a good fit for me. The mental space cleared by not worrying about my ex-partner's contentless has feared up most of my brain power.

What I realize now is that my partner was wasting many of my brain cycles that are now freed up. I actually have fallen back into a brain space that feels like my early college graduate brain. The brain I had before I took responsibility for my partner's happiness.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#158

Post by tasuki »

sneak wrote: post #103
Trollmann wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing Don't know if this was your intention but this comes across as if having a depression was a choice, which it rarely is with any kind of illness.

Not sure why you’re being downvoted; plenty of new parents let mental illness come between them and their responsibilities to their child/ren. They didn’t have the option of neglecting their kids either; somehow it doesn’t stop them from doing so anyway.

Wikipedia says "Depression is a mental state of low mood and aversion to activity" - that's what I meant.

Mental illness is I think a different thing. Depression doesn't imply mental illness, nor does mental illness imply depression. I understand and agree that many people let mental illness come between them and whatever. It's a problem. It's just a different problem.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#159

Post by raziel2p »

fendy3002 wrote: post #65
tombert wrote: post #10

It's weird how a series of big things happening in a short period of time changes who you are as a person, and not always for the better. When I failed to stop an acquaintance from killing himself a few years ago [1], it really fucked me up. I barely knew the guy, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling guilty over it, and I still have nightmares about it. It led to a severe funk of depression that I still haven't go…

it's unfortunate, and it's so bad a feeling like that eroding someone just because they're kind or emphatetic. which is why I feel like I'm slowly becoming assholes because it's hard to have that kind of emphatetic feeling while still being sane in nowadays world. It's kinda sad that to have a healthy mental someone need to be less emphatetic.

I resonate with what you say, but try to think of it differently: if you are able to take better care of yourself, even if that feels like in an egotistical fashion, you will have more energy for empathy. smaller slice of a bigger pie.

don't know if that's actually true, of course.

Re: The year I didn't survive

#160

Post by starluz »

anal_reactor wrote: post #101

You all are writing about the loss of loved ones, and I'm like > You guys had loved ones? There's so much societal attention to loss, but any complaint about the inability to form meaningful relationships in the first place is usually met with enthusiastic "git gud". Nobody cares about the slow burnout of knowing that you'll always be on your own. Which makes sense if you think about it. A person going through loss m…

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