What really happens inside a dating app • Hacker News Board

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#151

Post by scarface_74 » Wed, Feb 05, 2025, 2:42 AM UTC

lmm wrote: post #145

scarface_74 wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Women don’t need men anymore in the developed world. Men are luxury goods and women are completely happy to live without. A man isn’t needed but merely wanted and only wanted if he fits a very particular set of criteria. I’m not accusing you of being an incel (I’m really not trying to be sarcastic). But this has some real incel vibes. Are you a 2 only trying to date 10s? And I am not looking down from you from on h…

They probably are literally involuntarily celibate. Women in the west are choosing, quite reasonably, to hook up with the top 20% of men and ignore the rest. I'm not saying that as a blame thing - I don't blame them, I might make the same choice in their position. But the result is that the bottom 80% of men have practically no options - and no, lowering their standards doesn't help, it's not a problem of having pote…

61% of women in the US are married or cohabitating and that doesn’t include those who are dating.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2021/10/05/rising-...

Yes I know that not all women are heterosexual. But I also didn’t include women who are in a heterosexual relationship but are not living with someone.

It’s statistically impossible for only 20% of the men to be in a relationship or having sex.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#152

Post by ketzo » Wed, Feb 05, 2025, 2:45 AM UTC

bawolff wrote: post #95

Equal parts fascinating and dystopian. I'm even more convinced now that online dating has reached a local optima, but eventually someone is going to find a solution that is less shallow and predatory and blow it out of the water.

I think they’re pretty close to global max on “relationship-flavored entertainment app for single adults”

Optima for “stable-relationship-forming app” are yet to be discovered — and also, I think, to really be sought at all

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#153

Post by jameslk » Wed, Feb 05, 2025, 2:46 AM UTC

Retention is at odds with the goals of the users of dating apps. I wonder if there’s a more aligned system that charges for premium features when there’s inactivity. Or you can only use the app’s premium features again after some period of inactivity if you pay

Inactivity serving as a potential signal that you found a match, or you’re no longer in the market. Although the incentive system would have to ensure the app isn’t aligned to make the experience so annoying you stop using it either

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#154

Post by kdmtctl » Wed, Feb 05, 2025, 2:49 AM UTC

artful314w wrote: post #138

I really appreciate the writer sharing their insights, but I wish they had asked someone (or an LLM) to proof read their writing.

I'm starting to love when text is not perfect. So genuine!)

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#155

Post by strix_varius » Wed, Feb 05, 2025, 3:06 AM UTC

scarface_74 wrote: post #151

lmm wrote: post #145

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They probably are literally involuntarily celibate. Women in the west are choosing, quite reasonably, to hook up with the top 20% of men and ignore the rest. I'm not saying that as a blame thing - I don't blame them, I might make the same choice in their position. But the result is that the bottom 80% of men have practically no options - and no, lowering their standards doesn't help, it's not a problem of having pote…

61% of women in the US are married or cohabitating and that doesn’t include those who are dating. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2021/10/05/rising-... Yes I know that not all women are heterosexual. But I also didn’t include women who are in a heterosexual relationship but are not living with someone. It’s statistically impossible for only 20% of the men to be in a relationship or having sex.

While the previous commenter's numbers are exaggerated, the data from articles like this (and a decade ago, from okcupid), consistently shows stark asymmetry between the dating preferences of men and women - to the disadvantage of men in the "bottom" 50%. Before marrying, most of those 61% of women dated other men, and likely with a strong skew towards the top 20% as claimed.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#156

Post by SpicyLemonZest » Wed, Feb 05, 2025, 3:19 AM UTC

kazinator wrote: post #112

The qualities that women find attractive in men cannot be captured in a static profile on a website ... plus most of the men in that site are there because they don't have those qualities. Let's just say that if you can open your mouth enough to say hi to a woman without hesitation, you are completely wasting your time on dating sites.

You're relying on outdated stereotypes. Online dating is the most common way new couples meet and has been for years.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#157

Post by scarface_74 » Wed, Feb 05, 2025, 3:22 AM UTC

strix_varius wrote: post #155

scarface_74 wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

61% of women in the US are married or cohabitating and that doesn’t include those who are dating. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2021/10/05/rising-... Yes I know that not all women are heterosexual. But I also didn’t include women who are in a heterosexual relationship but are not living with someone. It’s statistically impossible for only 20% of the men to be in a relationship or having sex.

While the previous commenter's numbers are exaggerated, the data from articles like this (and a decade ago, from okcupid), consistently shows stark asymmetry between the dating preferences of men and women - to the disadvantage of men in the "bottom" 50%. Before marrying, most of those 61% of women dated other men, and likely with a strong skew towards the top 20% as claimed.

I finally get a chance to pull this obscure study out of my back pocket. It supports your thesis. I’m short by the way and married for the first time at 28 and the second time at 38 (still married). Short men are never in the top 20%.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/link-between-mens-height-divo...

Tall men were found to marry sooner in life, but were more at risk for divorce later on, as shorter men had more stable marriages. However, researchers note that the link between short men and stable marriages could be because they chose to marry later (or didn't have the option until later). Tall men were also more likely to marry women closer to their age, and who were better-educated.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#158

Post by jameslk » Wed, Feb 05, 2025, 3:25 AM UTC

kazinator wrote: post #112

The qualities that women find attractive in men cannot be captured in a static profile on a website ... plus most of the men in that site are there because they don't have those qualities. Let's just say that if you can open your mouth enough to say hi to a woman without hesitation, you are completely wasting your time on dating sites.

If you’re good looking, you’re not going to be wasting time on apps

These days, saying hi seems to be risky for more reasons than rejection. Maybe more so if you’re not good looking. Hence the apps

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#159

Post by selectodude » Wed, Feb 05, 2025, 3:30 AM UTC

jameslk wrote: post #158

kazinator wrote: post #112

The qualities that women find attractive in men cannot be captured in a static profile on a website ... plus most of the men in that site are there because they don't have those qualities. Let's just say that if you can open your mouth enough to say hi to a woman without hesitation, you are completely wasting your time on dating sites.

If you’re good looking, you’re not going to be wasting time on apps These days, saying hi seems to be risky for more reasons than rejection. Maybe more so if you’re not good looking. Hence the apps

Nonsense. Looking good on dating apps is like fishing with dynamite.

Re: What really happens inside a dating app

#160

Post by lmm » Wed, Feb 05, 2025, 3:32 AM UTC

scarface_74 wrote: post #151

lmm wrote: post #145

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They probably are literally involuntarily celibate. Women in the west are choosing, quite reasonably, to hook up with the top 20% of men and ignore the rest. I'm not saying that as a blame thing - I don't blame them, I might make the same choice in their position. But the result is that the bottom 80% of men have practically no options - and no, lowering their standards doesn't help, it's not a problem of having pote…

61% of women in the US are married or cohabitating and that doesn’t include those who are dating. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2021/10/05/rising-... Yes I know that not all women are heterosexual. But I also didn’t include women who are in a heterosexual relationship but are not living with someone. It’s statistically impossible for only 20% of the men to be in a relationship or having sex.

> 61% of women in the US are married or cohabitating and that doesn’t include those who are dating.

> It’s statistically impossible for only 20% of the men to be in a relationship or having sex.

That's a backward-looking number though. Look at how fast the lines on your link's graph are dropping, and what that implies the rate might be among the newest cohorts.