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Why making friends as an adult is harder

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Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#151

Post by eximius »

prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

My problem is that I don't want to play sports or doing a running club or any thing like that. And it isn't that I'm not willing to put in some work, it's that I want to make friends who want to do _other things_. I'm not sure how to find good public groups for people like me with the intent of finding friends for less public interests like video games, board games, books, etc.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#152

Post by BeetleB »

rqtwteye wrote: post #36
jimt1234 wrote: post #32

I came to California, in part, because my family in the Midwest is a bunch of Jesus freaks - not the "love thy neighbor" kind, more like the "God hates fags" kind. So when a girlfriend (in California) invited me to her church for some volunteer work, I went prepared to hate on everyone. However, I was blown away, as they were the nicest people I'd ever met in my life. They all went out of their way to help one anothe…

I am sometimes jealous of religious people. They have a clear vision of the meaning of life and churches give them a social group they can join. Us atheists don’t really have something like that.

> They have a clear vision of the meaning of life

What you describe is probably a minority amongst folks who claim to believe in a religion.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#153

Post by baron816 »

mixmastamyk wrote: post #133
baron816 wrote: post #109

I have an idea for an organization for getting building close connections among men: The organization would connect men together and then those men with “chores” they could do within their neighborhood. Yeah, kind of like a free Task Rabbit. But the idea is that the men go out on a mission together to help random people in their community, whether that’s helping someone move some furniture around, or hang some pictur…

I like the idea but see no need to limit it to men.

I wouldn’t want it to fall victim to the same phenomenon as running clubs—people just use it for dating. Men need a space of their own.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#154

Post by defrost »

skeeter2020 wrote: post #150
dinosaurdynasty wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance I don't see how WFH makes this worse, in fact it probably makes it better (less time spent commuting, more ability to end the day early with a flexible employer, etc)

If you are or know someone who uses the time savings from not commuting to persue anything outside the house, you are in the vast minority.

That seems like a local from your PoV thing.

That overwhelming majority of people I know that have been doing WFH on and off for a decade work regular hours and spend the remainder (time otherwise commuting) socialising (outside the house), sports, gardening, building projects, etc.

IRL AFK at least - the 24/7 gamers and shutin's likely have a different world view, but they appear to be in a minoity albeit one perhaps growing.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#155

Post by xmprt »

prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

> I have found that people generally understand the value of friendship and are welcoming to newcomers

I feel like there's a curve where in college people are super open to making friends until mid-late 20s where friend groups are well established/people are focused on their careers and then people are more open to making friends again in mid 30s where people lose touch with old friends and are looking to make new ones (either through kids or other shared activities).

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#156

Post by aqme28 »

prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

Agreed. I built a big friend group in a short time in my city just by going to the same club every weekend.

There’s a second part to this though. You have to put in some effort to break people out of “club friend” into “real life friend.” Make plans and invite them.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#157

Post by wakawaka28 »

eximius wrote: post #151
prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

My problem is that I don't want to play sports or doing a running club or any thing like that. And it isn't that I'm not willing to put in some work, it's that I want to make friends who want to do _other things_. I'm not sure how to find good public groups for people like me with the intent of finding friends for less public interests like video games, board games, books, etc.

For games stuff, you can go to game stores and competitions. There are book clubs too. The trouble with a lot of these things is that most people don't actually want to make friends who are all about either of those things. They want to make demographically matched friends that are willing to do more than one thing. If your game group is a bunch of 18 year old dorky dudes, and you're in your 30s, you are likely to feel out of place. If you're single and want to date out of your friend group, you might have to broaden your horizons to include stuff that the opposite sex tends to like. You won't be welcome in many of those contexts either.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#158

Post by maroonblazer »

timoth3y wrote: post #108

Most of the things mentioned in the article result in making friends as an adult being different than making friends as a child, but not necessarily harder. I'm in my late 50s and continue to make new friends. I think the larger problem is that many approach friendship with the wrong expectations. As Zig Ziglar said. "If you going out trying to find a friend, friends are scarce. If you go out trying to be a friend, f…

Some of the friends I have now, in my 50's, are due to them proactively reaching out to me to get together. Had it not been for them making the effort, our friendship, likely, would've never materialized. When meeting new people with whom I think there might be potential for friendship, I now try to be the one who reaches out and suggest meeting up.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#159

Post by XorNot »

underlipton wrote: post #134
phil21 wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A lot of people will simply not do this, even if they know they should. For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who already had established social groups. We will see how this pans out in a generation or two. Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance is utterly exhaustin…

>For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social experiment than most realize. I think it's the opposite. The standard where people commute to the office, spend all day in the workplace, and commute home with barely enough time to tend to their needs is the failed social experiment, creating unprecedented levels of isolation and entire generations of people who can't form relations outside of work. I als…

It's based on the faulty theory that you can make friends at work.

Which isn't to say you can't but...it's work. It is first and foremost the lifeline holding up your entire financial existence. It is non-optional.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#160

Post by jmathai »

skeeter2020 wrote: post #150
dinosaurdynasty wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance I don't see how WFH makes this worse, in fact it probably makes it better (less time spent commuting, more ability to end the day early with a flexible employer, etc)

If you are or know someone who uses the time savings from not commuting to persue anything outside the house, you are in the vast minority.

I don’t think they are in the majority, but it doesn’t have to be typical social activities like sports. I spend time WFH dropping and picking up my 3yo from pre school. In doing so I meet a number of parents from the community.
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