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"That's Why You Don't Have Any Friends."

joethepeacock.blogspot.co.uk

151–160 of 206 posts

Re: "That's Why You Don't Have Any Friends."

#151

I'm about as asocial and celebratory of diversity as they come, and I love this essay, especially the conversational style. But I'd be careful not to take this argument too far into sophistry. In school people clan and desperately look for some identity to copy. This leads to all the terrible social behavior you see in most secondary and high school in the U.S. Somebody calling you "weird" can really be a badge of ho…

Yes, except that teenagers don't know who they are yet. They have to experiment, trying out various identities and behaviors until they figure out what fits them and what doesn't. So defining themselves in terms of others, whether by similarity or by difference, is to some degree inevitable. They do need to be encouraged to grow out of it, though, so your point is very valid.

They do need to be encouraged to grow out of it, though, so your point is very valid.

Just call it a "phase," that always works.

Re: "That's Why You Don't Have Any Friends."

#153

I like the article, a lot. But I have some reserve with the advice given. In my experience, many people would actually be glad to hangout with someone weird if he gives them some time to get used to it, and take it easy on the weirdness at first. I consider myself weird (my weirdness is that I mostly don't give a shit about conventional thinking and politically correct things. I just love a good argument, to the poin…

Being combative, antagonistic and argumentative doesn't make you weird. It makes you a bully.

Re: "That's Why You Don't Have Any Friends."

#154

I like the essay as a whole, but there is one clue that struck me. "Then one day, Mike got tired of my bullshit and said those words to me. "That's why you don't have any friends," he said at very high volume. He deserved to say it -- I'd just told him to go fuck himself when he tried to explain why my girlfriend at the time was screwing someone behind my back. I called him every name in the book." It's not being wei…

If you read Daniel Goleman's Social Intelligence, he claims that being awkward will make you a bigger pariah than if you were just an asshole. Not sure how true that is. But I was certainly both awkward and weird in high school.

Re: "That's Why You Don't Have Any Friends."

#155
That sounds like a pretty good speech, but I can tell you from experience that the thing that will help kids most is listening to them. We tend to project whatever our frustrations were in childhood onto all struggling adolescents (and almost all adolescents are struggling) but the content of these heartfelt talks is much less important to the kid than being heard and knowing people care.

Re: "That's Why You Don't Have Any Friends."

#156
post #87
post #55

Nice, that will help him alot. As somebody from Europe, we always see these typical American High Schools and think it can really be like this. Sure they overdo it in movies but I have read a fair amount of blogpost and reddit comments that discribe the same problem. There is grouping and groupe think too in Schools here but not in the same extrem way. It could be selection bios on my part but lets look at the diffre…

Does this mean that if kid is underachieving in Elementary school he is screwed up for life? I've heard that similar system is in Germany. And at very early stage in someone life he could be relegated to be second-class citizen.

No. The GED (HS equivalency) and community college systems are highly effective at getting turn-around kids into top public universities (like UCLA, Michigan, etc.).

Re: "That's Why You Don't Have Any Friends."

#157

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It doesn't necessarily help. I speak from experience: I was homeschooled and it was terrible. I didn't learn the 101 little tricks to make interacting with frustrating people that little bit easier, I didn't learn to empathize with people less smart than me and I didn't develop the social intelligence that I believe is vital for long-term success. Any time I had to interact with anyone I felt terrible and awkward and…

> I was homeschooled and it was terrible. I didn't learn the 101 little tricks to make interacting with frustrating people that little bit easier, I didn't learn to empathize with people less smart than me and I didn't develop the social intelligence that I believe is vital for long-term success. See, I went to a public school and didn't learn that stuff either. Bonus, I got beat up routinely until high school.

I didn't learn it in school too, and though i wasn't bullied, i would not send kids to school.

I think this is a problem of introversion, not of homeschooling.

Re: "That's Why You Don't Have Any Friends."

#158
Highschool is one thing, but don't let this advice fool you into believing that every subtle faux pas is a badge of honor. I know several brilliant "weird" people who have learned to love themselves but have simultaneously rejected the notion of managing their social quirks.

You know the kind I'm talking about; the knowledgeable but frustratingly pedantic and egotistical smart-ass who can't glance passed his own hubris to consider the lowly opinions of mere mortals, or the talkative engineer who spends 30 minutes every morning boasting about his cool personal projects in your office (completely oblivious to the social cues that say "stop talking, let us get back to work"), or the enthusiastic geek who alienates non-nerds by always steering the conversation to obscure technical topics that half the group has no interest or knowledge of.

Don't be ashamed of who you are, but don't let a headstrong attitude make you believe that it's never your own fault that others find your presence alienating.

Re: "That's Why You Don't Have Any Friends."

#160

I'm about as asocial and celebratory of diversity as they come, and I love this essay, especially the conversational style. But I'd be careful not to take this argument too far into sophistry. In school people clan and desperately look for some identity to copy. This leads to all the terrible social behavior you see in most secondary and high school in the U.S. Somebody calling you "weird" can really be a badge of ho…

"Being weird? Awesome. Being deliberately different? Not so much."

I realize I'm straying further afield of the original article in saying this, but we should keep in mind that being "weird" (or even being "different") isn't always a choice, or at least not a conscious one. I'm not sure if I'd go so far as to suggest that most "different" people have no agency in the matter. But a lot of them don't. Being different is a relative status typically assigned to you by the dominant social paradigm and context in which you exist. There certainly can be a choice, i.e., in whether to embrace this difference, or to attempt to amend it. And degree of self-awareness plays a huge role in the outcome. But often, even deliberate attempts to rein in the differences can fail.

Long before many (most?) of us even realized we had a conscious say in being weird, our peers made that call for us. What we're actually choosing is how to contextualize and reckon with that weirdness.

This is, as you've suggested, far different from a person's deliberately cultivating a surface-level eccentricity in an attempt to stand out (which is really just a case of fitting in by having an interesting quirk).

Finally, I'd suggest that those of us who consider ourselves "weird" or "different" -- regardless of whether that label has been intrinsically or extrinsically imposed -- should take a very nuanced and almost surgical view of it. By self-analyzing the weirdness, you can break it down into its components and decide which elements are useful, which are harmful, which are productive, which are counterproductive. "Weird" or "different" can be reduced to more elementary traits, rather than seen as broad, blanket terms. The broad terms may be value-neutral, but the smaller components often have values (good or bad).

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